The Inner Child

Due to spending the majority of what would have been my free time today with the police dealing with the break-in down in our gated garage, I did not get the chance to meditate today.

Today’s draw is the Six of Cups, which is a representation of memories, childhood, and innocence in the areas of emotions, relationships, and creativity.

This card has multiple meanings, as many of the cards in the deck do. But, it’s presence today is a reminder to get in touch with my inner child, where my joy in creation resides.

I have so many projects on the go right now, and so much to do. I’ve been feeling a little bit overwhelmed while trying to play catch-up from the depression that took so much of my time at the beginning of the spring.

The Six of Cups is a reminder that even though there’s so much to do, many of the projects that I need to work on our seated and creativity. These are projects that I should be looking forward to with an open heart, rather than trudge towards as if they are a chore.

A funny and fun coincidence… An excellent article offered in my NYTimes Smarter Living subscription this morning is “How to Revisit the Ghosts of Your Past“, which relates to another possible interpretation of this card.

The Return Trip

Today’s meditation was about self-compassion and kindness. If focused on how when we look at our inner thoughts throughout the day the cycle around in our head, they are often berating and judging in nature.

The guided meditation was an activity focused on how to get better at being kind to yourself both during meditation and throughout the day.

Today’s draw is the King of Swords, which represents strength, authority, and a decidedly alpha energy, personality, or person in the areas of logic, thought, and communication.

He is… me. The me beyond the influence of my depression. As the King of Cups is so very much the “you” that I see and admire, the King of Swords is an embodiment of what you express admiration for in me.

That is my moral compass, my need for fairness, my logical mind, and my efforts at impartial examination of things from all angles I can reach before coming to a decision.

This card is a reminder of where I am returning to as I pull out of my depression completely and recover from it effects and lingering sensitivities.

In the time following a depression there is a period of rebalancing. A time when I am more reactive, more sensitive, and less likely to pay attention to all aspects of a situation.

During these times it’s all about following my instincts to keep me on track as well as in my interactions with others. Then, over time, my mind kicks back into gear and I settle back into I far more logical approach, while my instinct and moral compass whisper in the background.

The King of Swords is an indication that this transformation is in the process of taking place and I am on my way back to my own sense of “normal”. My own, very personal type of balance.

Seeding the Garden of New Ideas

Like yesterday, my morning was a bit hectic and inconvenient today. So, I drew my card first thing when I got up to give myself focus and food for thought throughout my day, but didn’t have time to meditate until this evening.

Today’s meditation was fifteen minutes and forty-nine seconds, and focused on letting go. Whether that be negative feelings, or thoughts that keep one up at night, etc.

I didn’t think this one applied to me very much, but now that it’s over I feel… better. I’m not sure what I let go exactly, but I definitely feel lighter.

The woman’s voice on the guided meditation was so soothing that I caught myself dozing off a few times. I definitely need a nap.

Today’s draw is the Ace of Swords. In the suit of intellect, communication, and logic, the Ace represents new beginnings, fresh insights, and the discovery of new truths. It can also be a powerful encouragement concerning new intellectual endeavors, projects concerning communication, etc.

I can’t help but see a strong correlation between the appearance of this card and this new project we’ve embarked on with this blog.

I know you are seeing benefits from what I’ve begun here, and I think that I see some of them as well. I’m more aware of myself and my inner dialogue throughout the day than I was before. And, I truly believe that this project made a profound impact on how I surfaced from my depression this time around.

I feel more… hopeful, too. And there’s no denying the benefits to our relationship, as it has opened up channels of communication that, following a depression, are usually much more difficult, awkward, and uncomfortable to get opened back up. Not to mention usually taking quite a bit more time? I’m pretty sure that’s also the case, because although I don’t really remember that part of things (or at least not much of it), this time feels… accelerated. And yet not in an overwhelming way.

SO… wandering thoughts aside, I feel like this card is a reminder that this blog and what I’m doing here is a good thing. The card was also a bit of a prompt to really look at the benefits mentioned above as well.

Cultivating Creation

Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and thirty-nine seconds, and focused on doing one thing at a time.

I think that, because I’m tired today, this task really isn’t all that easy. My days are often a blend of multitasking and intense focus. But when I’m tired, sometimes the two get a bit jumbled together.

In meditation it’s important to focus on the moment, and today I had a really hard time staying focused. I think it’s just that I’m tired, though, as most of the intruding thoughts were visual daydream oriented. They weren’t about things I need to do, or projects that need to get done, or any of that. And, even though I was awake, I caught myself just starting to pull in a snore here and there in my breathing.

Today’s draw is the Three of Pentacles. This card is all about creation, abundance, and heart in the areas of money, resources, and the physical world.

The dark pit of depression that sucked me in set me behind in many things, especially those related to tending to my business and my creativity, which I greatly intertwined.

This card is an encouragement to pick that creativity back up. It’s time to bring ideas to the surface and bring them forward into the physical world once more.

Before the depression, I had so many ideas and so many projects on the go. I had lots of things to make, quite a few ideas in mid-creation, and all of it ended up on the back burner.

This card is an encouragement to get back into those things I enjoy. It’s time to begin manifesting these ideas and projects that have been sitting on the back burner into reality.

As a sidenote, it’s probably not surprising that this is one of my favorite pieces of artwork in this particular tarot deck. I love the inquisitive yet contented expression on his face. I love the way that he seems so at peace and happy in both his work and his creativity. To me, the artwork is truly an expression of working industriously at doing what you love.

Be the Lamb, Not the Lion

Today’s meditation was fifteen minutes and eight seconds, And focused on something called the Beginners Mind.

This is the concept of looking at things through fresh eyes instead of through with preconceived notions. It’s about experiencing things as if they are new, and letting that sense of wonder at something new into your heart and mind.

I think this is something that I’ve started to forget to do. Not that I’ve forgotten how, but more that I’ve just forgotten to practice this in my life.

There was a time when I saw a lot of the world this way… but I feel that over time I’ve closed off and forgotten to experience things in this perspective. I think it’s possible that having that shift in perspective has made me a less positive person.

Perhaps it’s time to start consciously practicing Beginners Mind more regularly in an effort to make it a habit once more.

Today’s draw is the page of pentacles. The suit of Pentacles represents money, resources, and the physical plane. The Page represents an omega type of energy, personality, or person.

The page in the suit can also represent one’s focus and dedication towards something of the physical plane. For me, that is stability. Financial stability is one of my lifelong goals, no matter what tax bracket I’m in or how much money I have (or don’t have) in my pocket at any given time.

This card ties into my current worries about monetary issues and the extra spending that I did while I was in that pit of depression. It’s a reminder to be cautious when spending money for a while so that I can catch up.

The card is telling me to be the lamb. Do not be the lion, full of roar and fight and push and shove. Instead, focus on that goal of stability that I’ve built over the years of my life and accept it takes time and dedication. One small hiccup doesn’t change that in the long run.

At the same time, this card also reminds me not to be too hard on myself about those small spending that I did during that time. Stability is a long term goal. It takes patience and a long reach… not a short race.

On My Feet

Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and four seconds, and focused on using external cues as reminders to come back to center in your practice.

For the meditation, they used a chime. Each time the chime went off it was a reminder to bring your mind back to the breath and the relaxation of your body.

This actually worked really well for me. I realize that my mind wanders even more than I had thought it did. The audible cue helped me in catching myself in those thoughts and set them aside more quickly.

Today’s draw is the 13th card in the Major Arcana, the Death card. Although it can, this card rarely represents the death of a person or pet. Instead, it’s more common representation is that of change, as is the case for a number of cards in the tarot.

With the Death card, it’s about an organic change… the kind of change that comes on gradually and has now reached its end. Not only is it about that change specially, but also about the cleansing that accompanies such endings.

This card is telling me that my depression has come to an end. It’s been a long road and a hard climb to get out of that pit I’d fallen into… but I believe I’m there.

I feel this climb coming to an end is especially remarkable considering that I’ve been visiting at my mothers house for the past few days. The house is not usually conducive to positivity and healing where I am concerned.

And yet here I am. Standing outside the pit, with a little niggle of anxiety in my gut, but otherwise back on my feet. That hole in the ground that I fell into and the darkness that tangled me up is now behind me.

It’s time to move forward.

Transcendence

Today’s meditation was twelve minutes and ten seconds, and focused on intruding thoughts during meditation and one’s reactions to them.

In this meditation you’re encouraged to notice the thoughts as they meander in and acknowledge them without reacting to them.

In my acknowledgment of my thoughts that wander into my brain while I’m in the middle of meditation, I notice that most of them are neutral daydream-type thoughts. Things like a mental image of the metal foot of a park bench resting against its concrete slab. Or a smiling face of someone I don’t recognize. They are nearly always visual in some way.

You are then encouraged to return your focus to the breath once you’ve acknowledged that the thought is there and set it aside.

Today’s meditation reminds me that this should be an accepted part of meditation. A part of the process. In the beginning, when I first started meditating, I used to get really frustrated with those thoughts that came in while I was trying to find my moment of peace. Sometimes, I still do. The subject of today’s meditation is a good reminder to look at these thoughts not as intrusions, but simply as a normal part of the experience.

Today’s draw is the Ten of Cups, which I find interesting because I’m drawing a lot of cups lately. Not just in my morning meditations, but also in my personal readings. This is fitting though, since I’m dealing with emotional issues and the suit of Cups is all about emotions, relationships, and creativity. The tenth card is a representation of endings, transcendence, or excess.

This card is telling me that I’m at the end, and that it’s time to rise above. It’s time to transcend back to the norm of every day life rather than clinging to the cloying tendrils of the depression.

I think sometimes I do that. Cling to the end as if somehow there is some sort of a surety there. A comfort there in the misery. Perhaps that is my self-destructive urges whispering in my ear? I’m not sure.

The Ten of Cups is telling me that I should not cling to those last subtle yet present vestiges, but instead let them go.

As is the nature of all endings, this card is also an indication that the promise of a new beginning is at hand just at the tips of my toes and waiting for my next step. I believe that with depression at my back that the new beginning is almost guaranteed to be brighter than where I am coming from.

Wrapping Things Up

Today’s meditation was 13 minutes and 53 seconds, and it focused on dealing with sounds during one’s meditation.

As you know, my crossed wires due to synesthesia often turn sounds into other sensations. This actually made today’s meditation quite interesting, because in meditation how do you focusing on the sounds around you. Not to judge them, or figure out what they are, or any of that. But rather, just to experience them and accept them as a part of your environment.

I enjoyed the experience. Like putting my earphones in and listening to music, It is like going on a journey of the senses filled with rich scents, flavors, and sensations without taking a single step.

That said, I’m not sure that it was really the meditation focused that I needed today. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, as I have for the past three days now. It’s this tight knot under my diaphragm that I can’t quite breathe away. Granted the last two days of meditation hadn’t really helped it either, so I don’t think trying something different really hurts anything.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Swords, which represents culmination, end results, and consequences in the area of thoughts, logic, communication, and challenges.

This card feels like it arrived a little early, and yet perhaps that’s why it’s here. It commiserate with the fact that I’ve been through the ringer, and tells me that things are starting to wrap up. It tells me that it’s time to take a deep breath and let the dust settle.

Sometimes things can’t end until you look through them one more time to learn lessons you would otherwise leave behind. It feels like this card is telling me it’s time to end my negative and self depreciating thoughts, and look back at my depression with compassion and acceptance. It’s time to prepare for stepping forward and past it.

So, perhaps this card is right on time after all. I am at the cusp of that deep dark hole and climbing out into the light. I can smell the fresh air. I can feel the light on my face.

I’m almost there and it’s time to be kind to myself, stop my self-recriminations, and set my mind to getting things back on track.

Stop Hiding

Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and three seconds, and focused on how to better except those things that we cannot change. Everything is temporary, especially with emotions. This includes depression.

Sometimes it’s too easy to judge emotions or events as good or bad. But sometimes it’s not about what’s in the moment, but how things flow over time and influence each other.

Perhaps my depression pulls me away from you and that feels bad… but perhaps also, in the long run, it brings us closer as well. You know me better because of it, and I trust you more because of it. So maybe we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover entirely.

Today I drew the Queen of Cups again, but I believe her message is different this time.

The Queen of Cups, as explained in a previous post, is a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person in the realm of emotions, creativity, or relationships.

I think she is telling me that I need to stop hesitating and worrying so much when it comes to my connection with you as I drag myself out of the black hole of my depression.

Depression is an ugly thing, and I really hate to show you my ugly sides. Or really, showing anyone my ugly sites. But especially you.

And so I hide. Not just because during the depression the outside world is overwhelming (thought it is), but also because I don’t want to subject you (or others) to the mess and the darkness.

The Queen of Cups is telling me that it’s time to stop hesitating to step out from that hiding place. I’m not sure if the hesitation is just about not showing you my ugly side, or a fear of rejection, or what it is exactly. But it is there.

She’s telling me that I don’t just need to be aware of that hesitation, but that I need to stop fostering it, stop hiding, and reach out to you. She is telling me to be strong and not let these fears and concerns hold me back from my connection with you.

The Light Ahead

Today’s meditation was eleven minutes and six seconds, and it focused on awareness.

This meditation was about keeping in mind that meditation isn’t goal oriented. Meditation is about being in the moment and being aware of those moments and all that it entails. It’s not just a peaceful quiet of nothingness, but also the awareness of those stray thoughts that come around, and the way you treat yourself as you bring yourself back to center when those stray thoughts pull you off track. It is about the entire experience, not about pushing yourself to perfection.

Today’s draw is the Star card, which is the 17th card in the Major Arcana.

In a tarot deck, the Major Arcana cards represent life changing events, as well as powerful energies, actions, and experiences that steer the path of ones life. They have a larger scope and depth than the other four suits of the deck, as they are not limited by the four elements and their corresponding meanings.

This card is a representation of guidance and healing. It is telling me that the road ahead is filled with hope and wonder if I am only willing to reach for it.

This card reminds me that the light ahead is bright, and not to look back at the darkness I’m leaving behind.

I really like this message, and I feel this is a good time for it to surface. I feel like I’m on the cusp of that deep dark pit that my depression sank me into. The climb out of the depths is not easy by any means, but the Star is a reminder to focus on the light and follow its warmth into something better ahead.