daily draw

Just Wait

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on vulnerability, and how when we share our vulnerabilities it can help us in accepting our situation and working through our emotions.

The guided meditation provided suggestions on how to open yourself more to others, and allow them in.  Although, I found a bit of amusement in the “sharing candidly” with others thing.  For someone like myself that has issues with socializing, it’s already very difficult to tell where the line is between socially acceptable and/or appropriate for certain situations, and what’s not.   That kind of encouragement, to someone like myself, could turn out pretty horribly wrong.

That said, I did understand what the meditation was trying to say.  They were trying to encourage opening up to be more genuine and allow an opening for others to become less “peripheral” in one’s life.   And, I’m thinking that there -is- some sort of balance that most people learn where this is concerned.  For me, it has always been easier to just hold myself apart, I think.

Today’s card is the 18th card in the Major Arcana, which is the Moon card.  Like all Major Arcana cards, this card deals with a spectrum of one’s experience on their path rather than just a single aspect of the human experience.

The Moon card is a representation of the “murky” times in life (among other things), and that is what I feel the representation is to me.   Going through these last few days where I am feeling the effects of having missed my meds, there is a lot of “murky” in my life right now.  A lot of confusion and distortion, self doubts and self consciousness, and just an all around struggle to keep myself on an even keel.

In the guide for today’s deck, there is a description of the white hare that speaks of confusion and how things may not be as they seem.  It speaks of the hare’s contemplation on whether it wants to dive into this world of the unknown, and about choosing one’s reality.

That is the message that the Moon card brings to me today.  It speaks of patience.  Of waiting.  The moon may be up and the world full of shadows at the moment, but the sunrise will come eventually and things will go back to an even keel once again.

Deck Used: Animism Tarot

 

Scarcity Issues

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, but I did it twice because I was so comfortable in the bathtub at the time that I just didn’t want to move on.

The meditation today dealt with “autopilot”. You know, those times that everyone has where they just go through the motions without really being mindful or conscious of what they’re doing? I do this a lot while driving, but I know it’s not the only time.

The meditation, though, was an encouragement to seek out those times and be present in them instead of letting the time, experiences, and choices that those times you are on autopilot go to waste. It outlined a few methods to assist in “checking in” with yourself during the day in order to further this awareness of when you are “checking out” of your day.

I liked this meditation, and I think the practice of pulling yourself out of those moments is really important. It’s when I spend too much time on autopilot that the world begins to look lackluster, and I think this may be one of the subtle steps that slips me deeper into depression when it starts to sneak up on me.

Today’s card is the Five of Pentacles, which in this deck is titled as Poverty. The Five of cups is a representation of hardship, harshness, tests, and trials in the area of resources, money, and the physical world.

What struck me on this card is that in the image the wealthy-dressed individual is the beggar, and the farmer dressed individual is the charitable one. This card’s appearance today in the daily draw is a reminder to me that I’m not as bad off as my fears try to tell me I am.

I work hard and struggle constantly to bring in funds because I am focused on the constant, nagging fear that my financial stability is at risk. The key words there are “at risk”, because if I really sit down and think it through, the fact of the matter is that that stability really isn’t at risk. My fear is far out of proportion to the reality of the situation. Between what I make and the help I seek out when I need it, things are on track and stable, it’s just my inner shadow whispering to me that they aren’t.

The Five of Pentacles is telling me to spend a bit more time remembering this instead of listening to that insidious shadow always whispering in my ear.

Deck Used: Visions of Life Tarot

 

Damaged… Not Broken

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirteen seconds, and focused on judging oneself as “broken” and how to reevaluate that view into a positive one.

This was a really difficult one for me today, and appropriate too, as you will see below in the daily draw.  The thing is, I do consider myself broken.   Not mentally (although, there are definitely times during depression when that comes up), but rather… physically.

Between the damage that keeps me silent and the damage from the various accidents (and attacks) I’ve gone through in my life, I feel that my body IS broken.  Functional, but broken.

I have saved this meditation to revisit, because I know this is something I need to work on.

Today’s draw is the Eight of Cups, which features the magpie leaving its perch. The eight of cups as a representation of the winds of change in the area of emotion, creativity, relationships, and intuition.

In the guidebook included with this deck the magpie is a representation of insight, revelation, courage, and opportunity.

Speaking of broken.   I find myself struggling with resentment today.  Not a resentment of everything that I’ve gone through.  My life reading by Z was very clear that my life would be a path of struggle and strife, and I’m okay with that.  I don’t mind hurdles or challenges, as it is simply a part of my path to work through them.

That said, I am having a frustration and resentment issue when it comes to the cancer. It came up today because, as I was working the emollient bar into the scars on my knee I had a sudden cramp in my right ass cheek.  Seriously.   Like a red hot, needle thin poker just right into the cheek.  Not sciatica, but…. I dunno.  Sort of like nerve pain, I guess.

Anyway, it brought up an issue I’ve been dealing with since the cancer and my recovery, which is a loss of flexibility.

I’ve been doing yoga my entire life, although as a child I had no idea it was called yoga, and my parents never bothered to teach me the names of all the poses and sequences (which I never really bothered to learn since).  The practice, though, has been life-long.  And after the accident in my late teens that damaged so much of my right side, it was instrumental in both my recovery and maintenance of the repairs that had to be done.

Because of this practice, even after that accident I’ve always been quite “bendy”… until the last few years.

During chemotherapy and my recovery after the RPLND, I slacked in my practice.  As in… didn’t do it at all for nearly a year.  And ever since then?  I’ve not been able to bring myself back to par with the flexibility that I’d had prior.   Normally, I can take this in stride and see such issues as a challenge… but today?  Not so much. And thus… frustration and resentment started to whisper through my emotions.

SO…. back to the Eight of Cups.

The Eight of Cups is telling me to let it go.   Take a deep breath, be understanding of my needs and capabilities, and move on from these feelings of resentment and intolerance towards myself…. and I’m going to do my best to do just that.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot

 

Fondness… Not Melancholy

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and eleven seconds, and focused on how sound can enhance one’s meditation practice.  It wasn’t in reference to music or chimes, but instead was concerning the organic sounds around you during a meditation such as traffic noise outside, the sound of rain, or footsteps, or hum of others in another room, etc.

In my case, I do not usually have much as far as intrusive sounds.  Although I live in a busy city, live on the far back corner of a building.  This means that most traffic noises, train noises, and other disturbances are muffled by the time they reach my home.  My home is also very quiet.  Because of my ‘crossed wires’ with the synesthesia, I often prefer my home to be silent in order to assist in avoiding sensory overload.  In fact, I often come home after being out with a huge sense of relief as I walk through the door because I know it will be quiet and I am in a place where I can control my environment and sensory input.

OOps, I digress.  Sorry. Noise in meditation…

For me, with the air conditioner turned off and no one home but myself, the only sound my ears could pick up on was my own breathing and just, very faintly, the muffled sound of traffic in the distance.   That sound is something I would describe as a very quiet “whoosh” type of sound with an emphasis on the ‘os’ and the space between those two letters in its pronunciation.  (Probably didn’t make much sense, but there you have it.)

I did not find this sound distracting or disturbing, so I’m not sure that the practice of “accepting sounds into your practice” really applied much for my meditation today.  It was a very relaxing meditation, though, without a lot of intrusive thoughts bouncing around trying to get my attention.

 It’s a new month starting today, and so the Student Tarot v5 has been tucked away and a new deck has been chosen… or rather, two decks have been chosen. The first deck (today’s deck) that I chose I felt was a little too modern and metro for an every day draw for me, especially since I only switch out decks every month for the daily draws, so I chose a second more earthy deck to alternate with (which you’ll see tomorrow).

Today’s draw is the Six of Cups, or what is known in this deck as the “Nostalgia” card. Nostalgia is a good keyword for this card, as in the RWS system the Six of Cups is a representation of innocence, memories, reminiscing, and a sense of playfulness and joy in the area of emotions, relationships, intuition, imagination, and creativity.

For me, this card had a completely visceral reaction.  I didn’t even notice the key word at first, because…. look at that bakery.  Look at that old lady smooshed up against the glass going “oh those look so good. I remember those.”

That’s me.  I’m the old lady.

I’ve really struggled with the dietary restrictions that have come up over the past couple of years.  I need a certain enthusiasm for food in order to keep on weight, and I’m already a good distance below the weight I -should- be maintaining.  Without all that wonderful “crap food” that I used to savor and enjoy so much (but which now will raise my cholesterol too high), keeping my weight up has become a constant struggle.   I miss PopTarts and cupcakes, cookies and Cheetos, Capt’n Crunch and Cocoa Puffs, and french fries…. god I miss french fries SO much.  I miss being able to eat what I want…. ALL that I want, when I want.

The Six of Cups in today’s reading is a reminder that it’s okay to remember these things and how good they were, but don’t let it drag me down.  See all those hearts around that old lady’s head?   Exactly.    Fondness… not melancholy.

Deck Used: The Visions of Life Tarot

Write It Down!

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirty seconds, and focused on the frenetic energy we ride within ourselves on the day to day, and how important it is to be aware when we are on that particular “ride” so that we can take a step back and hope off now and then.

I liked the title of the theme, which was “City Energy”, as I think that fits really well.   When we are in a hurry or even just going about our day to day, sometimes we are connected with an energy that is very much like a busy city.  There’s so much going on in our minds that it sets us on a path of higher adrenaline, and thus we react with physical strain (increased heart rate and breathing, higher blood pressure, etc) and the eventual fatigue both mentally and physically that can be the result.

Today’s meditation was an encouragement to pay attention to these times and, when they occur, take a moment to slow down and breathe, and settle yourself before moving forward.  This frenetic energy may -make- you feel as if you are getting things done at a faster pace or accomplishing more, but in truth it usually isn’t.   By calming yourself, a lot of times it gives you the focus needed to move along at a quicker and more thorough pace without the adverse mental and physical effects.

Two of Pentacles Today’s draw is my old friend, the Two of Pentacles, which is a representation of balance, duality, cooperation, partnerships, and division in the area of finances, resources, and the physical world.

I want to pause here to explain what I mean by “the physical world”, as this card is not just about money or resources.  This card touches on areas pertaining to the earth (both as an element and the planet), and also upon areas such as hearth and home, as well as the manifestation of things brought into the world such as ideas being brought forward into reality.

I think that’s an important distinction to make in today’s draw because today’s card is more about manifestation than money or resources.

Today’s appearance of the Two of Pentacles is a reminder to WRITE SHIT DOWN!! Ideas need to be written down, otherwise the clutter up the mind and never get done.  When they are written down, they then become something tangible that can be worked with and juggled rather than something lingering in the brain, flitting in and out, but never quite making it to the point of manifestation.

I have not been writing ideas down of late, and… yeah.   This is my reminder to stop cluttering up my brain and write it all down already!

Deck Used: Student Tarot v5

 

Taking a Breather is Okay

/ Twist the Leaf / 2 Comments

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and forty eight seconds long, and focused on how it is human nature to cast judgement, but that when we do so, it is important to look at how we came up with our assumptions and consider if those assumptions aren’t based off of something within ourselves rather than from whatever first impressions we are getting from others.

It was a good topic, although it neglected the aspect of instinct and intuition, which made it a bit incomplete as a discussion on the subject.   That said, if those aspects has been included, the meditation would have been quite a bit longer, and I know that for these daily guided meditations, they usually try to stick to a ten to fifteen minute window.

Today’s draw is the Four of Swords, which is a representation of rest, stability, restoration, contemplation, and recovery in the areas of the mind, thoughts, logic, communication, and instincts.

For a few weeks in July, I had been skipping my naps during the day, and I felt that by doing so I was getting a lot more done and being more productive.   But, over the past week or so, I’ve found that I’m really starting to drag in the late afternoons.

This card is a reminder that it’s okay to rest when I need to so that I can better bounce back and handle my responsibilities and interests with more energy and creativity.  Instead of lying down for a few minutes and using my phone, I need to start laying down for a few minutes and actually sleep.   For, as much as I want to be filled with boundless and infinite amounts of energy, the truth is that rest is an important part of progress.

Deck Used: Student Tarot v5