Vulnerability and Trust

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and… I did it twice.  I was actually trying to fall asleep, as for some reason I was having a lot of difficulty in that area this morning.  I didn’t manage to fall asleep during either of those meditations, although they were very relaxing.  And I did eventually manage to fall asleep for a few hours some time after that.  I’m still feeling a bit sleep deprived, but much better than earlier before the nap.

Cosmos Tarot and OracleToday’s draw is The Magician card of the major arcana, which is traditionally interpreted as (essentially) “the man with all the tools”.   The card is about confidence and resourcefulness. The Magician is about having the tools necessary to do whatever needs done, and the skill to wield them as needed along the way.

I just have to say… I love this card’s imagery.  I love the Satyr helping the little lamb to get out of the tree’s branches.  It shows both gentleness and kinship, but also strength and surety.

The lamb, specifically, caught my eye today.  And the hands of the ram.  There is kindness and capability in those hands, and an aching vulnerability in the visage of the lamb.

The message in this card is to trust in the one you know can help you.  Trust in the one that has the strength and the gentleness and the loving care to help you.

Today’s message is about trust, and about putting yourself into the caring hands of the one you trust when you are feeling vulnerable.


#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
I’m struggling to maintain motivation.
:  What single, small change can I introduce into my routine that would most benefit my goals moving forward?

Star Seeker Tarot

Reading Summary: Despite my fears and anxieties (Nine of Swords) , continue to make a conscious daily choice (Two of Swords) to grow and move forward (Seven of Pentacles).

Take Away: Sometimes it’s not about the things we do, but the thoughts we keep. When feeling vulnerable, it can be hard to stay open and continue to advance on one’s desires and goals. Sometimes the biggest and best thing we can do is make sure we are checking in with ourselves and making sure to stay open… make sure that walls are not coming up and closing you off. The message here is about mindfulness and self awareness.  It is a small change with a huge and important impact on the long term growth you seek.


#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Free Day!  Pick a spread you’ve been curious about and try it out.

The Fifth TarotWhat doubts need confronting?

I was raised to always seek perfectionism from myself.  To demand it.  Directing my energy into this idealism has become not just a habit, but a compulsion that creates self doubt concerning my skills and abilities.

What ideal needs releasing?

Let go of the expectations of what your mother could be or should be.  You want a new start and a relationship filled with love and support, but this is not who she is and it never will be.  Expecting this from her is futile.  Her heart is not open, nor is it the bud preparing to bloom… instead, it is the withered bud folding in on itself.

What do I need in order to accept my present self?

Patience, tranquility… and most of all, alone time. This isn’t about self reflection as it is about finding peace and allowing time for all that you have learned and discovered to sink in and settle into calm waters.


#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
invest:  time // money // love // patience

Wheel of the Year Tarot

Invest TimeAce of Wands – In developing new skills and passionate pursuits. I recently ended up putting the wood burning project I’d been practicing for on the back burner. Perhaps it’s time to pull it back out and play with it a bit more. Some more exploration and experimentation is in order and could be fun.

Invest MoneyQueen of Pentacles – Literally… invest money.  Tuck some of that cash that you’re making right now away to replenish what’s been used over the past few months.

Invest LoveThe Hierophant – Sometimes being a guide to others and teacher requires applying a bit of loving understanding. In this case, I need to take time to make sure I’m investing a bit more love and kindness than is my normal into my client readings.  Someone desperately needs to hear it.

Invest PatienceQueen of Cups – In yourself and others. Compassion is important, and a part of compassion is allowing space for people and providing them with room to speak their truth. Being a good listener is an extremely important part of interacting with others.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question:  How can I maintain my creative flow?

Wild Unknown Tarot

Reading Summary: Give less weight to your mothers influence (Mother of Swords Rx), give more weight to Gideon’s influence (Father of Cups)… and have confidence in your hard won skills (Eight of Pentacles).

Take Away:  The crap blocks my creativity most strongly is the shrinking, constricting pain that happens in my stomach whenever my mother’s claws manage to tear a chunk out of my insides.  Your comfort… your influence… your love is the balm to that pain and those wounds.  You lift me up and remind me that I am good and capable and more than just meagerly talented but innovative and skilled in my craft.


Reigning in Distractions

Today’s meditation was fifteen minutes long, and came after the second prolonged yoga/physio routine.  It was another of the harp strings with interval timers, but as with last time, I added in some extra stretching to help ease some of the tension of the new yoga work I’m doing.  I didn’t do the extra work yesterday, and I won’t tomorrow. I want to ease into it so I’m doing it every other day for the time being.

Cosmos Tarot and OracleToday’s draw is Four of Water (Four of Cups) which is traditionally a representation of emotional reevaluation of a situation, meditative contemplation, or withdrawal which on an emotional level  can turn into an apathetic outlook.

What stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of today’s card is all the motion and movement.   This is not something that I really associate with the fours of… well, any suit, really.   Fours, to me, are about stability and so all of the movement seems a bit counter-intuitive to the traditional meaning of this card.

The other thing that stands out to me in this card, though, is that the dogs on this card are wearing collars.

The movement combined with the collars brings my mind to the swirling of thoughts that go through one’s head when they can’t settle. And so maybe this does tie back to the traditional meaning after all, because what I see here in this card is the constant attempts of the mind trying to interrupt times of meditation. This is something that happens to everyone, and when we catch ourselves in the middle of meditation that is being interrupted by stray thoughts or emotions, we grab on to the “collar” of those thoughts and tug them back in line.   And yet, they always start running around again soon enough.

The message in today’s card is about accepting that this happens, and that it’s normal that this happens. It’s okay that the mind wanders during meditation as long as you catch yourself and bring your attention back to center again… no matter how many times it takes.


#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic:  I’m struggling to maintain motivation.
What aspects of my current routine might be helpful in achieving my goals?

New Palladini Tarot

Reading Summary: My self-defeating behaviors (Five of Swords) are actually a powerful tool (The Magician) in fostering hope and spiritual awareness (The Star).

Take Away:  This is a reminder that not all of my goals are centered around financial stability and security.  Growth in those areas is great, but my distractions and self-defeating behavior (such as slacking off, sometimes falling behind, etc) in these areas also opens myself up to those other types of growth that need to take place. 


#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question:
  Is morality relative?

Tarotbot TarotReading Summary: Some things are constant no matter where you are or who you are (The Sun).

On the other hand, some things are more about inner perceptions (Four of Wands) and experiences (Ten of Swords). These things are relative.

Take Away:  Like the sun in the sky and the need for life on our planet to be nurtured by it, some things are universal and that includes some aspects of morality.  On the other hand, there is a great deal of morality that is based upon perception and experience, either through individuals or through societal experience.

The cards indicate that morality is not a whole, but rather is a conglomeration of pieces that are brought together through both universal values and personal/societal experiences.  So it is both relative in some areas… and not in others.


#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
absolute truth // opinion // misconception // lesson

Midcenturian Tarot

Absolute TruthThe World and Wheel of Fortune – All life moves in cycles.

OpinionTemperance and Eight of Cups – Walking away from something is the same as peaceful restraint.

MisconceptionKnight of Cups – Emotions don’t have to be full on all the time.

Don’t forget that the experience of one’s emotions is subjective to the person experiencing them and the memory of those emotions is influenced by what comes out of them.

LessonFive of Cups Rx – Letting go of pessimism and that inner narrative of negativity in order to choose a lighter path.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question:  What am I being called to create now?

Evolution Tarot

Reading Summary:  You can create balance in your relationship with your responsibilities (Two of Coins) if you’re willing to practice patience and allow for your growth to continue at a slow pace (Seven of Coins). Enjoy your time with those nearest and dearest to you (Two of Potions), and give yourself space to grow (Page of Coins).

Take Away:  What I am being called to create right now isn’t about manifesting a physical item in the world, but rather I am being called to create space within my life for growth, and patience to allow that growth to take place by spending time building my relationships with those I love rather than focusing on pushing forward and rushing things.


Another Way

Today’s meditation was a bit longer than normal at fifteen minutes, as I added on a few extra stretches to my piriformis stretching.   It was just a quiet meditation, and I had a bit of trouble focusing, which is fine.  I’ve picked up my yoga practice a bit, so the piriformis stretches are a part of that .  I expect to be a bit sore over the next few days.

Cosmos Tarot and OracleToday’s draw is the Mercury card, which is a part of the oracle cards that are included in this deck. Although I am not really strong in astrology, I do know that Mercury rules over communication which is why when Mercury goes into retrograde so many people freak out and so much seems to go awry… once communication goes off the tracks? Everything else soon follows.

When I look at this card, I get very confused. Somehow skulls and face with one eye and a smile and a hand and snakes and ribbons and long tongues and…. it all gets messed up in my head when I look at the imagery on this card.  It’s a fucking clusterfuck mess, and i can’t seem to ever piece out the imagery to make sense of what I’m seeing.

In fact, what I see in this card’s imagery today is… not really there at all. Because when I look at this card, I see a nude figure curled into itself made out of the hand in the upper right hand corner, and the curvature of a bare spine from shoulders to hips out of the lower left skull.

What I see in these things that are not really there is vulnerability and a need to retreat from chaos.  Today’s card is a reminder of this.  Of the fact that when I feel vulnerable that I have a tendency to try and curl into myself and away from the chaos.  It is a reminder that that is the old way of doing things… and I’m learning another way.  A better and healthier way.


#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
  I’m so burnt out all the time.
How can I rest more effectively?

Tarot of the Journey to the Orient

Reading Summary: Learn from the new knowledge that you’re gaining emotionally to guide you (Knave of Chalices) instead of falling back on the fire that is sparked through conflict (Five of Wands) and charging ahead (The Chariot).

Take Away:  This is about managing my energy in a more resourceful way.  Instead of spilling my energy all over the place and using the flash fire of passions to drive me forward, I need to seek a gentler way of motivating myself so that it is easier to unwind from that motivation to rest more easily.


#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
How can I become more sure of myself?

Karma TarotReading Summary: Move away (Eight of Cups) from the belief that you have to be the end-all be-all and be able to do everything all the time (The World). Take some self reflection and allow those things that really aren’t any of your responsibility to fall away (The Hermit).

Take Away:  This message has to do with more than just my actions and physically taking on too much, but also my sense of inner responsibility. I need to remember that I am ultimately only responsible for myself.  This is because when I take on more than I can handle, or responsibilities that are not mine to take on, when I then fail, stagger, or struggle… my inner critic uses this as fodder to tear myself down through it’s negative inner dialogue.  That inner dialogue is all about being a failure, and I shouldn’t be taking that on for things that aren’t my responsibility in the first place.


#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
hold your ground // step aside // share the path

Slavic Tarot

Hold Your GroundFive of Cups – Against your depression and pessimism.

Step AsideTen of Coins – From the responsibility of balancing everything on your shoulders… sometimes they’ll flourish just fine on their own without your stressing over them.

Share The RoadTwo of Swords – With the fact that sometimes you do have to make difficult decisions even when you don’t want to. That’s OK. Just be well informed first.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question:  When am I least creatively confident?

Albano Waite Tarot

Reading Summary: When joyous fun (The Sun) is torn down by selfish words (Queen of Swords Rx) by someone that should be a nurturing figure in my life (The Empress).

Take Away:  When I’m having my fun and/or expectations crushed by my mother.


Desires vs Reality

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was another of the harp string meditations with the interval chimes.  It was very relaxing and I dozed off somewhere near the end and had a pretty good sleep.  I’m not calling it a “nap” because it really did feel more like I had gone to bed and had a good sleep, even though it only lasted probably an hour or so.  I didn’t wake up so much “refreshed” as just a bit more energized with muscle strain eased.

Cosmos Tarot and OracleToday’s draw is the Five of Water (Five of Cups) for the second day in a row. As I mentioned (just yesterday), the traditional interpretation of this card is about disappointment, pessimism, feelings of failure, and that “sour grapes” feeling of the glass being half empty.

I love the imagery of this card today.  It is… I find it breathtaking, and so fitting, all at once.  I see the image of an individual looking up at what they can’t have instead of enjoying what they have in this image.  Sea monster or not, that look at what lies beyond their reach is something I can relate to, and it still lingers upon the topic of my mother and her manipulations.

Every time she takes me by surprise, I feel so damned stupid.  And the fact is, that it’s that Five of Cups theme that creates the opportunity for those feelings to surface.  It’s that wanting for what I can’t have… that desire for what’s beyond my reach that causes the disappointment.

I desire the mother that loves me.  I deserve a mother that cherishes me.   Maybe, in her own way, she does both of these ways.  But it’s not in any way that I can personally see.  It’s not in any form that is identifiable to me.   My expectations are not helping this situation and I need to let them go, and accept things as they are.


#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic:  I’m so burnt out all the time.
How can I be proactive, rather than simply reactive, about rest?

Lumina Tarot

Reading Summary: Stay in touch with how you’re feeling (Knight of Cups) and own it (the curl of the Fox’s tail in the Queen of Wands), and understand that it is fully acceptable (Six of Wands) to need rest.

Take Away: Part of the reason I habitually hit burnout again and again is because instead of staying in touch with how I am feeling, I push the warning signs away and shove them into a dark corner instead of listening to them.  By pushing these warning signs and struggles away, I can then plow forward and continue to push myself harder and harder, as I was always taught is the “right” thing to do.

If I want to be more proactive about my rest, I need to connect with those feelings and warning signs instead of ignoring them, and accept that it’s a part of being human to need rest, and not a failing on my part.


#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Hidden Strength / Secret Weakness

Tarot MaddonniHidden StrengthNine of Pentacles – Creating stability, and the ability to be alone. I don’t need other people to entertain me or keep me company, I’m more than capable of doing that for myself. My independence is one of my greatest strengths, and not one that is obvious to everyone.

Secret WeaknessThree of Swords – I am my own worst enemy and my depression is my hidden secret weakness. I’m upfront about the fact that I deal with depression and have done so throughout my life… and yet when a depressive episode comes upon me, I work to hide it both from others as well as myself.


#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
  be proud // be humble // be brave // be strong

Student Tarot v4 Godard's Birds

Be ProudThe Lovers – I make good choices. This is something that I can take pride in.  Whether these choices are for my benefit or the benefit of others, whether it is in the person I have partnered with, or the employers I work for, or anything else.  In the end, with the guidance of my intuition and my moral compass, I make good choices.

Be HumbleThe Star – I don’t know everything when it comes to spiritual matters. Fortunately, I’m not someone that struggles with saying “I don’t know” when I don’t know the answer to something, but I think sometimes I do come off as more knowledgeable on certain subjects than I am, simply because I am confident of my own personal path.

Be BraveTen of Pentacles -Sometimes even when you have stability and security in your life?  It feels like it’s not enough, or like it might be taken away from you on the whims of fate alone.  Obtainment doesn’t necessarily mean anything if you can’t hold onto what you want once you get it. It takes bravery.  Not just to go after what you want, but also to admit you want it and to work at holding onto it even after you have it.

Be StrongThe Moon – It can be hard to be strong in times of uncertainty, but remember that these times are transient.  Their impermanence means that no matter how confusing or uncertain things might seem in the moment?  Eventually it will all come clear again.  It just takes some strength and perseverance to get through to the other side.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Topic:  The part of my world that inspires me is…

Karma Tarot

Reading Summary: Guiding others (Grand Master) in sorting out (Justice) their struggles and worries (Nine of Swords) so that they can make gradual progress toward a better future (Knight of Coins).

Side note: For some reason the Grand Master (Hierophant) in this deck always makes me think of the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland.  I’m not sure why.

Take Away:  I’m not sure if the feeling I get from helping others with their path so much inspires me, as it kindles a feeling of warmth and positivity within my soul.  Perhaps that could actually be considered inspiration of a sort, though.  Not so much creative inspiration, and yet inspiration all the same.