zen state photography

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_5230Together

When we are
twined
together as one
sweat drying
breaths panting
and the world
glazed in pleasure,
I feel shiny and new,
renewed
and recreated.
A diamond
once dirty and dull
now clean,
I shimmer.

In those moments tangled in your arms, my guard down completely and my soul bared to you, it feels as if you see a piece of me no one else can see.  You love a piece of me no one else can touch.   In these moments, I am not myself.  Instead I am the young fawn that has not yet having learned to flinch for the world.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_4588Chaos

Yesterday
so resolute
and then
the morning comes
second guesses
warring thoughts
a cacophony
within the mind
as guilt
and obligation
and responsibility
try to beat me
into submission.
And yet,
I persist.

I made the decision yesterday to take a week off from the business and  give myself some breathing room.  This isn’t a full vacation, of course, as I’ll still be working at the farm and the salon, but yet… it is a huge thing all the same. I’ve never taken time off voluntarily just for myself before.  Not ever.

So it’s not surprising that guilt and doubts would play havoc with my insides today concerning the decision.  Thing is though?  I need it.  I need some time.  I’m not letting the guilt and doubts turn me away from this.  I need the time… and I’m taking it.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_6433Empowerment

It takes
bravery
to try new things,
to open up
and spread your wings.
If it looks easy
don’t be fooled
I struggle
just as much
as him
or you.

I was told this morning that I make things look easy.  I was talking with my boss, leaning against the fence taking a break after teaching his son how to do a carburetor adjustment on the tractor, and he came out with it as we were talking.  “You make things look so easy, and I know they aren’t.  But watching you, it seems like you could do anything.”   Those were his words to me.

I was surprised, and deeply complimented as well… but definitely surprised.  I have a lot of skills, but I worked hard to learn and hone those skills.  They weren’t just magically bestowed upon me, but were developed through hard work and, at times, a lot of struggle. I’m not sure why the fact all that struggle and work not being obvious feels like a compliment… but it does.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_5171Grateful

Your comfort
and support
when things
fall apart
is amazing…
overwhelming
and more soothing
than ever expected.
I am afraid
and yet
your presence
comforts me…
so much.

Yesterday was so hard and so stressful, and I can’t help but be worried for myself.  Yes, I was wearing a mask and my glasses, but I still can’t help but be worried.  Hopefully the worry is for nothing.  Hopefully they either didn’t have it or I was protected enough and took the right steps to keep myself from being infected by their callous actions.  But regardless of that, I am so lucky to have you in my life.  Thank you for loving me… and for caring so very much.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_5377Rough…

And alone
Ragged and lost
Rooted and adrift
Jagged
Angry
and yet calm
Standing tall
even as
I quake
on the inside.

Someone spit in my face today.  Spit… in… my FACE.
Because I am a courteous enough to wear a mask?  No.

Because of my Korean heritage.

“Go back to China and take the virus back with you,” he said.

Fuck you too asshole.  I was born here.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_1232Mood

Quiet thunder
rhythmic purrs
thrumming deep
Loud and smooth
No matter how grumpy
angry or sad
those little rumbles
wash over me
soothe the senses
and help me breathe.

Miss Luna’s purr is the most amazing sound in the world to me.  It comforts and relaxes me when I’ve had a stressful day or can’t seem to shake a bad mood, washing over me and helping me let go and relax.  She is not a particularly clingy cat, but she comes to curl up with me when I need those knots untangled, wedging her little butt up against the side of my my head and kneading at my hair as she rumbles rhythmically in my ear.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography