godard’s birds

Desires vs Reality

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was another of the harp string meditations with the interval chimes.  It was very relaxing and I dozed off somewhere near the end and had a pretty good sleep.  I’m not calling it a “nap” because it really did feel more like I had gone to bed and had a good sleep, even though it only lasted probably an hour or so.  I didn’t wake up so much “refreshed” as just a bit more energized with muscle strain eased.

Cosmos Tarot and OracleToday’s draw is the Five of Water (Five of Cups) for the second day in a row. As I mentioned (just yesterday), the traditional interpretation of this card is about disappointment, pessimism, feelings of failure, and that “sour grapes” feeling of the glass being half empty.

I love the imagery of this card today.  It is… I find it breathtaking, and so fitting, all at once.  I see the image of an individual looking up at what they can’t have instead of enjoying what they have in this image.  Sea monster or not, that look at what lies beyond their reach is something I can relate to, and it still lingers upon the topic of my mother and her manipulations.

Every time she takes me by surprise, I feel so damned stupid.  And the fact is, that it’s that Five of Cups theme that creates the opportunity for those feelings to surface.  It’s that wanting for what I can’t have… that desire for what’s beyond my reach that causes the disappointment.

I desire the mother that loves me.  I deserve a mother that cherishes me.   Maybe, in her own way, she does both of these ways.  But it’s not in any way that I can personally see.  It’s not in any form that is identifiable to me.   My expectations are not helping this situation and I need to let them go, and accept things as they are.

DECK USED:  COSMOS TAROT AND ORACLE

#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic:  I’m so burnt out all the time.
Question:  How can I be proactive, rather than simply reactive, about rest?

Lumina Tarot

Reading Summary: Stay in touch with how you’re feeling (Knight of Cups) and own it (the curl of the Fox’s tail in the Queen of Wands), and understand that it is fully acceptable (Six of Wands) to need rest.

Take Away: Part of the reason I habitually hit burnout again and again is because instead of staying in touch with how I am feeling, I push the warning signs away and shove them into a dark corner instead of listening to them.  By pushing these warning signs and struggles away, I can then plow forward and continue to push myself harder and harder, as I was always taught is the “right” thing to do.

If I want to be more proactive about my rest, I need to connect with those feelings and warning signs instead of ignoring them, and accept that it’s a part of being human to need rest, and not a failing on my part.

DECK USED:  LUMINA TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Hidden Strength / Secret Weakness

Tarot MaddonniHidden Strength – Nine of Pentacles – Creating stability, and the ability to be alone. I don’t need other people to entertain me or keep me company, I’m more than capable of doing that for myself. My independence is one of my greatest strengths, and not one that is obvious to everyone.

Secret Weakness – Three of Swords – I am my own worst enemy and my depression is my hidden secret weakness. I’m upfront about the fact that I deal with depression and have done so throughout my life… and yet when a depressive episode comes upon me, I work to hide it both from others as well as myself.

DECK USED:  TAROT MADDONNI

#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
Topic:  be proud // be humble // be brave // be strong

Student Tarot v4 Godard's Birds

Be Proud – The Lovers – I make good choices. This is something that I can take pride in.  Whether these choices are for my benefit or the benefit of others, whether it is in the person I have partnered with, or the employers I work for, or anything else.  In the end, with the guidance of my intuition and my moral compass, I make good choices.

Be Humble – The Star – I don’t know everything when it comes to spiritual matters. Fortunately, I’m not someone that struggles with saying “I don’t know” when I don’t know the answer to something, but I think sometimes I do come off as more knowledgeable on certain subjects than I am, simply because I am confident of my own personal path.

Be Brave – Ten of Pentacles -Sometimes even when you have stability and security in your life?  It feels like it’s not enough, or like it might be taken away from you on the whims of fate alone.  Obtainment doesn’t necessarily mean anything if you can’t hold onto what you want once you get it. It takes bravery.  Not just to go after what you want, but also to admit you want it and to work at holding onto it even after you have it.

Be Strong – The Moon – It can be hard to be strong in times of uncertainty, but remember that these times are transient.  Their impermanence means that no matter how confusing or uncertain things might seem in the moment?  Eventually it will all come clear again.  It just takes some strength and perseverance to get through to the other side.

DECK USED:  STUDENT TAROT v4 GODARD’S BIRDS

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Topic:  The part of my world that inspires me is…

Karma Tarot

Reading Summary: Guiding others (Grand Master) in sorting out (Justice) their struggles and worries (Nine of Swords) so that they can make gradual progress toward a better future (Knight of Coins).

Side note: For some reason the Grand Master (Hierophant) in this deck always makes me think of the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland.  I’m not sure why.

Take Away:  I’m not sure if the feeling I get from helping others with their path so much inspires me, as it kindles a feeling of warmth and positivity within my soul.  Perhaps that could actually be considered inspiration of a sort, though.  Not so much creative inspiration, and yet inspiration all the same.

DECK USED:  KARMA TAROT

The Nature of Things

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was skipped.  This is because I pulled an all-nighter last night with L packaging orders to ship out today.  We didn’t finish until nearly six in the morning.  At which point I went to bed to sleep and woke up just in time to haul ass to go get the packages out in the mail before the last mail truck left.  So… I didn’t get to either my yoga/physiotherapy or my meditation today, and I’m sure to pay for it for a couple of days to come.

Cosmos Tarot and OracleToday’s draw is the Eight of Air (Eight of Swords) which is traditionally a representation of… well essentially, being in your own way and/or blinding yourself to your own obstacles and as a result making things more difficult than they have to be.  It’s all about getting in your own way, and all of the ways in which that can play out.

This is not what I see in this card, though. At all. I’m actually a bit confused by my reaction to this card as I’m struggling with the color combinations, which I find a bit disorienting.

What I see in this card today is in the imagery of the fox and the goose.  It is a display of one’s inner nature, much like the old fable of the frog and the scorpion.  It feels like a warning, although I’m not entirely sure what the warning is about.

So I would say that the message in today’s card is about making sure you are paying attention to the world around you, and those that surround you.  If something seems off and out of place? Pay attention. Be aware when people’s actions are not matching the energy you feel coming from them.   Don’t discount it as a fluke or unimportant.  It’s not as inconsequential as you would like to believe.

DECK USED:  COSMOS TAROT AND ORACLE

#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic:  I’m so overwhelmed.
Question: What can I do to release my fear of saying no?

Midcenturian Tarot

Reading Summary: Embrace the natural cycles of life (Ten of Swords) instead of fearing them (The Moon). Focus on developing your skill at regulating output and practice some patience (Temperance).

Take Away:  I’ve had a bit of a stalker thing going on with the Temperance card lately, and I wonder if this is the message that the card is trying to convey.  It is a message about honing my regulating and moderation skills, and incorporating patience to do so.  This is especially important in the saying “no” to adding too much onto my plate at once.

Add to that the need to get a handle on the trepidation that I feel when it seems something might be coming to an end.  I try and sustain too much because I want to keep going what is before me and try new things and develop new possibilities.  The problem is, when you preserve one while still working on adding and growth at the same time?  Your plate fills up super fast.

Together these two messages indicate a need to learn how to decide on what “phase out” and what to keep going.

DECK USED:  MIDCENTURIAN TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Question:  Where do I need to focus on directing more gratitude?

The Fifth TarotReading Summary: When you’re feeling overwhelmed by choices (Seven of Shells), don’t just toss in the towel and walk away (Eight of Shells Rx).  Instead stick around and weather through the storm (Apprentice of Feathers), and allow Gideon to help support you through these times (Elementor of Shells).

Take Away:  The support that Gideon provides me in my day to day life is what I need to focus more gratitude toward at this time. He is there for me every day, and in any way that I need him.  All I ever need to do is reach out, and there he is, ready and not just willing to help, but eager to help. He is my comfort, my anchor, my rock… and he is the calm in the storm when I am feeling overwhelmed and struggling with my own inner demons… or the outer ones as well.

I feel that I often come off as ungrateful for all of these things.  Too wrapped up in my own shit, I forget to look up and look outward, and to acknowledge how much he loves me and how very invested he is in me.. in my life.  In anything and everything I need from him.  I am so very lucky.  And so very grateful.  I wish I was able to express it better, but I will continue to try to both notice these things more… and express my gratitude more clearly and more often.

DECK USED:  THE FIFTH TAROT

#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
Topic:  sharpen // soften

Student Tarot v4 Godard's BirdsSharpen – Page of Wands – Now would be a good time to sharpen your focus upon those things that inspire you and create within you a spark of curiosity.  Experiment and explore the ideas that kindle your inner spark, and release those that can’t hold up to that sharper focus.

Soften – Queen of Swords and Eight of Pentacles – Stop judging yourself and your work so harshly.  Use your keen intellect to find potential outlets for your skills that will be of benefit instead of standing on the fence and waffling because your inner critic is having a heyday in your head.

DECK USED:  STUDENT TAROT v4 GODARD’S BIRDS

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question:  What do I feel when I work on something creative?

Psychopomp Tarot

Reading Summary: Release (Ten of Wands Rx and Three of Swords Rx) and the birth of positive emotion in its place (Ace of Cups).

Take Away:  There is a release in being creative. When I have pent up creative energy, it becomes a burden of sorts.  A struggle of tamped down and clogged up energy that builds in pressure within me. When I create something new and allow my creative spark freedom to play, it releases this tension in my chest and it is like opening up a special part of my soul to breathe.

At the same time, this release can also be emotional, as when I create there is an element of emotion to it. A letting go of doubts and worries and inner judgements in order to instead wallow in potential and energies that feel positive and pleasing.

In both of these types of release, there is then an opening for something else to sweep in.  And when I am enjoying my creative process, what sweeps in to replace these unpleasant sensations, emotions, and energy… are feelings of positivity.  Emotional positivity that is new and bright and shiny, and not yet touched by or tarnished by the unpleasant effects of my inner critic’s negative dialogue.

DECK USED:  PSYCHOPOMP TAROT