D/s

It’s Okay To Be Vulnerable… With You

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and six seconds, and focused on saying “yes”… and our motivations behind why we say “no”.

“No” can be a good word.  It sets boundaries and keeps us safe.  But, there are times when it is also used in a way that limits our potential.   In these moments, “no” comes not from a place of self empowerment, but rather from a place of anger or fear.

This guided meditation encouraged taking a moment when we’re about to say “no” to really consider why we are saying “no”, and where that response is coming from, examining if we are practicing good judgement… or if we are practicing limiting behaviors.  Then, when we catch ourselves doing the latter, changing that “no” to a “yes”, in order to foster new experiences and personal growth.

I think everyone has these moments where they use “no” as a limiting behavior, and I really liked this meditation and it’s reminder to essentially “grab life by the balls” and be open to new experiences.

Today’s draw is the 6th card of the Major Arcana, the Lovers card, and like all cards in the Major Arcana it relates to not one aspect of the human experience, but the larger picture.  The Lovers card has a vast array of symbolism and meanings which include themes such as duality, harmony, the alignment of one’s values with another’s, meaningful relationships (not just romantic in nature), and love.

Today this card represents being open and vulnerable with the one you love, and the trust and faith that it takes to do so.  It is a card that speaks of my submission, and of your dominance, of the balance we have, of our give and take, and of the depth of trust that has been built around us like an insulating wall.

The longer that we are together, the more depth develops into our relationship.  You find ways to accommodate my more dominant tendencies, and I find ways to accept and incorporate the submissive ones I discovered when we first met.  In the first few years, it was much a “on/off” type of switch.  We switched places, and it was either one or the other.   But, as time has gone on, this has turned into a flow of give and take that is always changing, and yet always stable.

The Lover’s card today is a reminder of this balance, of the trust we share, and the comfort we take in each other.   It is a reminder that it’s okay to be vulnerable, as well as a reminder to be conscious of, mindful of, and grateful for what we have.

I am.

I love you.

Deck Used: Student Tarot v5

 

Old Habits Die Hard

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and fifty six seconds, and focused on dealing with failure.  Everyone deals with failure from time to time, and the key to moving past it is to look at failures as a lesson to be learned, rather than internalizing failure into a reflection of you and your worth.

My mindset on doing something… anything, really, is that I will push myself as hard as I can.  Try my best to do the very best that I can.   That way, IF I end up failing, I can’t look back and say “Well, that was a waste of time.  I could have done better.”     Instead, when I fail, I can look back and see where I can improve and either make changes to my approach the next time or accept that perhaps what I was striving for just wasn’t meant for me.    Because I gave it my all, there is no doubt that I “could have done better” somehow.  I know that I did my best.

I think if more people looked at things in this way, there would be far less people out there “half assing” shit.  And far less people putting themselves down when they eventually fail at something.

This isn’t to say that I don’t get bummed sometimes when I stumble across failure.  I do.  But it’s extremely rare that I internalize it as a reflection on me on a personal level.

In the guided meditation, failure was presented as an opportunity for growth, but also as something you separate yourself from (much like rejection was approached in a recent Supportive Tarot topic).   In this approach, you work to view failure not as a reflection on YOU personally (ie: your personality or worth), but rather a failure of the method.

Today’s draw is the Knight of Cups, which is a representation of a projective beta energy, personality, or person in the area of emotions, relationships, intuition, and creativity.

A lot of times in readings I see this card as the charmer in the bar, full of flattery and lacking substance.  Or rather, his aim in the moment lacks substance, right?  He’s not after the long term, he just wants to feel good and in the process, his emotional manipulations and machinations will make -you- feel good too… for the time being, anyway.

This card, of course, represents far more than that, and I don’t think that is the message in the card today.

Today, the Knight of Cups is telling me to get in touch with my emotions.  Emerging from the subdrop, sometimes I find myself backsliding into  my old stand-by habits of closing myself off emotionally.    Today’s card is a reminder to actively keep an eye on this and stay open… to you, to others, and to the world at large.

 

 

Coping With Subdrop

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirty six seconds, and focused on shinrin-yoku, or what is known as “forest bathing”.

This is a type of eco-therapy where one takes a walk in the woods and, instead of spending the time distracted by one’s phone, thoughts, or the drive for getting exercise, you focus on your senses and what you are experiencing there within the forest.

This includes everything from listening to the sounds of the forest such as the rustle of leaves and sound of insects, to the scents of the forest such as the smell of the earth and the trees, the experience of touch through feeling the sun and air on the skin or the feeling of dappled shade through leaves, taking in the colors and shapes and beauty around you, and even taste through how the air tastes as you breathe it in.

When I hike, this is my practice. I am not hiking in order to get exercise or see how far I can go. I am there to enjoy nature in all of its subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways. Sometimes, I might bring my camera… but I always turn my phone off and leave my earbuds at home.

To me, hiking has always been a time to commune with nature. Like some people use a maze or labyrinth to foster mindfulness, I have always used the hiking trails in the forests here where I live in this way.

Today’s draw is the 14th card in the Major Arcana, the Temperance card. Like all cards in the Major Arcana, this card deals with not just one single aspect of the human experience, but instead a broader picture as a whole.

The Temperance card is a representation of moderation, balance, and patience. It speaks of the need for a pause before reacting, thought before action, and reflection before absorption. This is an extremely good card for me today, because the subdrop has definitely arrived! Holy crap, has it ever.

One of the qualities of the Temperance card is to remind you to remain calm during times of stress and chaos. The subdrop is absolutely a time of stress and chaos for me, as I feel extremely vulnerable emotionally during this time.

As a result, the message of the card for today is just to take my time. Remember that I need to consciously seek out balance and stability, rather than just flying off the handle over every little thing. No matter whether that be mentally, emotionally, or even physically.

Side Note: Whenever I am in subdrop, it always reminds me of those movies where a woman is in labor and she looks over at her significant other and screams at him, “This is all your f’king fault, you son of a bitch!”.

Like pregnancy and labor, the sub drop is a joint endeavor… but in the moment, I just feel like blaming it all on you. Just sayin’.

 

Kaleidoscope (Part 5)

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Taking Up the Reigns

I closed down that vulnerable part of myself… and I began to pick up the weights you dropped and filled my pockets with them. I took control with stronger characters in our play, and I took up the responsibility of decision making that was once yours. I struggled to negotiate with others and be sociable, did my best to fill your shoes the best I could in the ways I was able.

Somewhere along the lines, I realized what I was doing. I realized you were no longer acting as my dominant, and that I was beginning to take on that role.

onbkbruqI began to feel weighted down. It was… so heavy. It was too much weight for me, but I refused to let it show and continued to pick up the heavy stones you dropped and pocket them anyway. Not doing so would mean letting go of your hand, and for me that wasn’t okay.

Baby the Babysitter

When Cognito was built, I buried myself in the work, knowing it was all on me to make the dream come alive.

I established rules for you, because you had no self control of your own. Your fear of losing me made you irrational. You were scrambling to gather up stones, yet all you were gathering was pebbles and you weren’t even noticing that the pebbles were NOT the weighted stones you’d dropped so long ago.

You couldn’t even be bothered to read through the faq and help me edit, or dig for information. Not until I pushed you for it. Even then, a good amount of your participation was somewhat lackadaisical in nature.

And once built, we were… quite directionless. Off kilter. Our dynamic was no longer fluid and smooth. Not two people walking in stride any longer, but only two people walking side by side instead.

And all that weight I was carrying… It was so heavy. So goddamn heavy that my spine was aching and my knees were beginning to buckle beneath it all.

All you wanted, all the time, was reassurance that I wasn’t leaving. No matter what I said or how often I said it, you wouldn’t believe me. Your cling began to have claws that scrabbled and scratched at me in your desperation.

I began to work more and more, trying to find relief from that weight more than anything, although it’s true that I desperately needed the money as well.

Kaleidoscope (Part 4)

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Drown and Drop Neglect

To drown is a beautiful thing.

Do you remember why I named it drowning? Because there is a safety there, an assurance there. A sort of peace there, when you’re holding me under the surface.

It’s something I have only ever experienced when submerged in water and sinking. It’s a letting go. A letting go of control, a quiet release and acceptance that I have only ever before come across when beneath the water, still and silent and unconcerned with life or death.

I found that in you… and I named it drowning. “Subspace” isn’t the right word, at least not for me. “Flying” intimates some form of conscious control over where you are going.

But there is no control when you drown. There’s only water and weightlessness and silence.

Before you, only in the embrace of water had I ever allowed such a full and complete release of control and responsibility.

That peace? It was one of the strongest lures for me where my fixation on death was concerned, although I didn’t realize the correlation until recently. I didn’t realize that YOU giving me that peace was a part of what made those cravings for death ease. I can’t say it was the sole reason my suicidal urges slipped away, my medication is a huge factor, but… that doesn’t change that the peace you gave me in those moments provided me with something I needed that I thought only able to be reached in death.

And then… it was gone. The possessive intensity and confident assurance you had possessed turned into a needy cling and desperation. A desperation that flavored the water of the drown and made it impossible to sink as deeply as I once had.

And the drop that came after, that horrible torturous time of vulnerability that ravaged my insides and tore them to ragged shreds…. you were no longer able to assuage it. Not because you weren’t there, but because you weren’t… you. You were too preoccupied to be attentive and focused.

And then you were too preoccupied to even tell I was drowning at all… or dropping in the days after.

In that other site, we tried the last time. It wasn’t the first time the drown had faltered or the neglect had happened… but it was the last.

Because you had to ask if I drowned, which I had. And then you had to ask if I dropped, which I had. Yet, when I said no, you were too far gone to realize I’d lied. You didn’t even bring up a token protest of “Are you sure?”  Nothing.    There had been a time when you would never have let that answer go so easily, even if you couldn’t tell I’d lied you would have dug at it.

And that’s when I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.

I cried. I cried a lot that night, and then I closed it away. I slammed a door on the drop and forced it down until it strangled in on itself and shriveled away. It didn’t die easily, but it did die eventually. And I shut down that side of myself, the one that looked to you for protection and sought you for that taste of the peace only you could provide.

I realized that side of me couldn’t survive in that neglectful environment. It was safer to close it off than allow it to die.