Just Don’t
tender
vulnerable
and feeling
without defense
the hint of raw
beneath the flesh
stirs up
the need to
hide
Subdrop sucks.
dominance
Flipping the Table
Today’s meditation was once again not done in the morning, as I was again waiting for the helper. She did actually show up today, but she was late. I hate when the phone jerks me out of my meditation and was expecting her earlier, thus… no meditation. I will do my meditation before bed again tonight, and like last night, probably fall asleep part way through it.
Today’s draw is a double without a jumper, which means both cards dropped out of the deck together as one. The cards in today’s draw are the Emperor and the Chariot cards.
These are both very strong cards that represent forms of dominance and control.
I had thought, when I pulled the cards this morning, that this was about work. But after this evening, I know that it was a push for something else. A push to find some time for you… and for us… and for the time we’ve had tonight and the “tension relief” involved.
I know that we were trying not to allow me to drown during the holiday rush, but I think I needed that release of control and the giving it over to you for a bit. I did drown, but it was just beneath the surface rather than deep within the depths, so hopefully the drop won’t be too bad. Honestly? If it is…. it was worth it. I needed this time with you and that dynamic between us, that control and intensity that is an integral part of you and us.
DECK USED: OSTARA TAROT
Bonus Reading – #TarotForGrowthDecember
Question: What relationship evolved the most this year?
Reading Summary: At the beginning of the year I went through a severe depression (Five of Coins) and was very apathetic about the idea that my therapist had concerning a daily affirmation (Four of Cups). I decided, though, to to adjust the activity to something I could connect with (Death) which brought me to a place where I was more attuned to my emotions (Seven of Cups) and began to discover a new level of emotional depth within myself (Ace of Cups).
Take Away: The relationship that has evolved the most over the past year is my relationship with myself and my emotions. Thanks to the mental health card of the day activity that I do here on the blog every day, I have been able to not just heal and recover from my depression much faster than I have in previous MDE experiences, but I have found a new outlook as well, which as helped me in discovering and beginning to explore, and even accept, a depth of emotion that I quite honestly didn’t think that I was capable of.
DECK USED: DARKNESS OF LIGHT TAROT
It’s Okay To Be Vulnerable… With You
Today’s meditation was ten minutes and six seconds, and focused on saying “yes”… and our motivations behind why we say “no”.
“No” can be a good word. It sets boundaries and keeps us safe. But, there are times when it is also used in a way that limits our potential. In these moments, “no” comes not from a place of self empowerment, but rather from a place of anger or fear.
This guided meditation encouraged taking a moment when we’re about to say “no” to really consider why we are saying “no”, and where that response is coming from, examining if we are practicing good judgement… or if we are practicing limiting behaviors. Then, when we catch ourselves doing the latter, changing that “no” to a “yes”, in order to foster new experiences and personal growth.
I think everyone has these moments where they use “no” as a limiting behavior, and I really liked this meditation and it’s reminder to essentially “grab life by the balls” and be open to new experiences.
Today’s draw is the 6th card of the Major Arcana, the Lovers card, and like all cards in the Major Arcana it relates to not one aspect of the human experience, but the larger picture. The Lovers card has a vast array of symbolism and meanings which include themes such as duality, harmony, the alignment of one’s values with another’s, meaningful relationships (not just romantic in nature), and love.
Today this card represents being open and vulnerable with the one you love, and the trust and faith that it takes to do so. It is a card that speaks of my submission, and of your dominance, of the balance we have, of our give and take, and of the depth of trust that has been built around us like an insulating wall.
The longer that we are together, the more depth develops into our relationship. You find ways to accommodate my more dominant tendencies, and I find ways to accept and incorporate the submissive ones I discovered when we first met. In the first few years, it was much a “on/off” type of switch. We switched places, and it was either one or the other. But, as time has gone on, this has turned into a flow of give and take that is always changing, and yet always stable.
The Lover’s card today is a reminder of this balance, of the trust we share, and the comfort we take in each other. It is a reminder that it’s okay to be vulnerable, as well as a reminder to be conscious of, mindful of, and grateful for what we have.
I am.
I love you.
Deck Used: Student Tarot v5
Kaleidoscope (Part 5)
Taking Up the Reigns
I closed down that vulnerable part of myself… and I began to pick up the weights you dropped and filled my pockets with them. I took control with stronger characters in our play, and I took up the responsibility of decision making that was once yours. I struggled to negotiate with others and be sociable, did my best to fill your shoes the best I could in the ways I was able.
Somewhere along the lines, I realized what I was doing. I realized you were no longer acting as my dominant, and that I was beginning to take on that role.
I began to feel weighted down. It was… so heavy. It was too much weight for me, but I refused to let it show and continued to pick up the heavy stones you dropped and pocket them anyway. Not doing so would mean letting go of your hand, and for me that wasn’t okay.
Baby the Babysitter
When Cognito was built, I buried myself in the work, knowing it was all on me to make the dream come alive.
I established rules for you, because you had no self control of your own. Your fear of losing me made you irrational. You were scrambling to gather up stones, yet all you were gathering was pebbles and you weren’t even noticing that the pebbles were NOT the weighted stones you’d dropped so long ago.
You couldn’t even be bothered to read through the faq and help me edit, or dig for information. Not until I pushed you for it. Even then, a good amount of your participation was somewhat lackadaisical in nature.
And once built, we were… quite directionless. Off kilter. Our dynamic was no longer fluid and smooth. Not two people walking in stride any longer, but only two people walking side by side instead.
And all that weight I was carrying… It was so heavy. So goddamn heavy that my spine was aching and my knees were beginning to buckle beneath it all.
All you wanted, all the time, was reassurance that I wasn’t leaving. No matter what I said or how often I said it, you wouldn’t believe me. Your cling began to have claws that scrabbled and scratched at me in your desperation.
I began to work more and more, trying to find relief from that weight more than anything, although it’s true that I desperately needed the money as well.
Kaleidoscope (Part 4)
Drown and Drop Neglect
To drown is a beautiful thing.
Do you remember why I named it drowning? Because there is a safety there, an assurance there. A sort of peace there, when you’re holding me under the surface.
It’s something I have only ever experienced when submerged in water and sinking. It’s a letting go. A letting go of control, a quiet release and acceptance that I have only ever before come across when beneath the water, still and silent and unconcerned with life or death.
I found that in you… and I named it drowning. “Subspace” isn’t the right word, at least not for me. “Flying” intimates some form of conscious control over where you are going.
But there is no control when you drown. There’s only water and weightlessness and silence.
Before you, only in the embrace of water had I ever allowed such a full and complete release of control and responsibility.
That peace? It was one of the strongest lures for me where my fixation on death was concerned, although I didn’t realize the correlation until recently. I didn’t realize that YOU giving me that peace was a part of what made those cravings for death ease. I can’t say it was the sole reason my suicidal urges slipped away, my medication is a huge factor, but… that doesn’t change that the peace you gave me in those moments provided me with something I needed that I thought only able to be reached in death.
And then… it was gone. The possessive intensity and confident assurance you had possessed turned into a needy cling and desperation. A desperation that flavored the water of the drown and made it impossible to sink as deeply as I once had.
And the drop that came after, that horrible torturous time of vulnerability that ravaged my insides and tore them to ragged shreds…. you were no longer able to assuage it. Not because you weren’t there, but because you weren’t… you. You were too preoccupied to be attentive and focused.
And then you were too preoccupied to even tell I was drowning at all… or dropping in the days after.
In that other site, we tried the last time. It wasn’t the first time the drown had faltered or the neglect had happened… but it was the last.
Because you had to ask if I drowned, which I had. And then you had to ask if I dropped, which I had. Yet, when I said no, you were too far gone to realize I’d lied. You didn’t even bring up a token protest of “Are you sure?” Nothing. There had been a time when you would never have let that answer go so easily, even if you couldn’t tell I’d lied you would have dug at it.
And that’s when I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.
I cried. I cried a lot that night, and then I closed it away. I slammed a door on the drop and forced it down until it strangled in on itself and shriveled away. It didn’t die easily, but it did die eventually. And I shut down that side of myself, the one that looked to you for protection and sought you for that taste of the peace only you could provide.
I realized that side of me couldn’t survive in that neglectful environment. It was safer to close it off than allow it to die.
Twisting the Leaf 