Performance Not Considered

Today’s meditation was nine minutes long, and was one of the #DailyCalm sessions from the @Calm app.

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Carnival at the End of the World Tarot's Nine of Swords and Halloween AffirmationsThe @GlitterbyInk #OctoberMagic25 Challenge
Maiden Prompt for October 2nd
: Curiosity
Daily Mental Health Prompt
: Seek a positive message to carry with you throughout the day and offer perspective.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of nightmares, anxiety, insomnia, and negative thoughts and inner narratives.

The Nine of Swords has then been combined with  one of my personal affirmation cards that says “You don’t have to be perfect to be lovable.”

I’ve discussed before in my posts how “doing your best” is not a particularly helpful affirmation for me as an individual, due to its connotation that if I self sacrifice just a bit more, I can do a bit better, and thus it’s never enough.

Today’s cards touch upon this concept. The Nine of Swords challenging it by telling me that my fears that I am unacceptable as anything but my best is all in my head, and not a reality. The affirmation card then telling me that this is because I am lovable regardless of my performance.

These are concepts that are really difficult for me to internalize. I grasp them in my head, and through logic I can accept them as truth. But. somewhere deep down in my heart, or perhaps in my inner child, it just doesn’t want to sink in.

I’ll keep trying though. Some knots from the past are just harder to untangle than others, and take more time to work through.

The message in today’s cards is a reminder, not just to myself, but all of us that we are not loved based upon our performance. That means we are good enough just as we are. Don’t let anyone make you think differently, not even that negative inner voice whispering in your head.

DECK USED:  THE CARNIVAL AT THE END IF THE WORLD TAROT AND TWIST’S HALLOWEEN AFFIRMATION CARDS

#DiscordTarotholicsOct2025 Challenge
Ghouls Prompt for October 2nd
: Who in your life needs a bit more acceptance and understanding?

Tarot Reading with Carnival at the End of the World Tarot's Nine of Cups and Strange Curiosities Playing Cards ReadingReading Summary: This person always has too many things going at once (all the cups in the air) and is just a bit full of herself (the figure’s mask, attire, and posture), which means she often misses when she’s hurting others and sees their reactions and retaliations through the lens of a victim instead of the perpetrator (the snake under foot hidden among the flowers).

You’ve connected with her in the past on collaborations in life (Three of Diamonds is on the left) and were once quite close with her, but you’ve kept your distance recently because you’re still trying to process the emotions that rose up for you when her true colors started to show through (Jack of Hearts is on the right).

Take Away: Perhaps you need to look at what you’re doing and how you’re reacting. Are you not following the same pattern as her own behavior? Some food for thought.

DECK USED: THE CARNIVAL AT THE END IF THE WORLD TAROT AND STRANGE CURIOSITIES PLAYING CARDS

Daily Self Kindness

I spent yet more time (over 4 hours the other day, another 2 hours today) on the phone with the new shipping fulfillment company I’m working with to get more information on how to work in their system and get the results I want.

Quality Rest vs Wasting Time

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was a quiet non-guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretches.  I really just needed a little peace, and I felt that the guided meditation, or even a bit of music, would feel like a bit too much over-stimulation.

Madam Lydia Wilhelmina's Tarot - Four of SwordsToday’s draw is the Four of Swords, which is traditionally about rest and recovery, especially after a time of struggle. Recuperation is an important part of making sure you are able to carry on and the pause traditionally depicted in the tarot is one of not just recuperation but also reflection.

What stands out to me the most strongly in the imagery of this card is the face of the resting individual. Looking closely, you can see that the lower half of the figure’s face is covered.  That combined with the angle of the head and the wreath crown make me wonder if this is not a corpse instead of someone taking a moment’s respite.

Set in the window in the background is a portrait of a woman and a little girl that looks like she is bend to whisper in the prone figure’s ear, though… which to me hints at the idea that there is indeed some consciousness present still, even in this moment of deathlike stillness.

The message in today’s card is more about the quality of one’s rest than taking rest on its own.  You can sit around all day and dawdle, get nothing done, and spend the entire day wasting time and still feel exhausted at the end of the day as if you’d been on the go for hours. On the other hand?  Sometimes you can take a ten or fifteen minute break, and feel fully refreshed and ready to take on the world.  The whispering little girl does not bode well for a restorative rest, no matter if the figure has passed or not.

Don’t allow your inner whispers to disturb your rest the way that the little girl is trying to disturb the figure’s rest in this card.  There’s no point in resting if you’re not going to make it count…. otherwise you’re just wasting time and not getting anything from it but more stress.

DECK USED:  MADAM LYDIA WILHELMINA’S TAROT

LionHart’s #TheOctoberTarot #SeasonOfTheWitchChallenge Prompt
Question
: Draw a card for an ancestor or loved one who crossed.

The Vampire Tarot - The HierophantI asked for advice from my grandmother on my mother’s side. It feels like this card turning up in response is an encouragement that I am on the right path. Although I enjoy my creative business and creative endeavors, I’ve found a real joy in helping others as well, which is something I’d explored a bit when I was younger by teaching now and then, but didn’t really delve into in great depth until the last couple of years.

I’ve always had a really hard time socially, but it seems to have helped me immensely in this department to be able to actually contribute to other’s journey.

At the same time, I feel there is also a reminder here to make sure I am delving into my own roots and staying true to my own path. Having been raised Wiccan, a great deal of my current Pagan practice comes from these roots in my childhood…. which come from roots in my family that go back generations. Spellcraft, especially, has ran in our family for many generations on my mother’s side and many traditions and practices have been passed down from one generation to the next and then to me.

If I do not share my practices and beliefs with others, and share the traditions that have been passed down to me, they will then die with my sister and I… as there is no next generation for either of us with which to pass on this knowledge further.

DECK USED:  THE VAMPIRE TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsOct2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: Do Spread #3

Tarot of the Sweet TwilightSmoky Quartz Nine of Swords – To purge negativity from my life and develop greater stability, I need to stop listening to that negative inner dialogue that encourages anxiety and causes me to feel down on myself, my performance, and my abilities.

Apple Six of Cups – To improve my physical health at this time, it is important to look back on the things that have made me happy  in the past and have me feel good…  then, stop thinking about them and start doing them.

Chrysanthemum King of Cups atop Seven of Pentacles – The defenses that need fostering right now in order to foster my growth have to do with making sure that I don’t allow vulnerability to creep in and screw with my  emotions just because things are taking their time in growing and getting where I want to be.

Aquamarine Knight of Wands – The calm found through meditation can bolster my confidence by allowing me to more easily focus on where I want to go, what I want to do… and how to get there most efficiently. This, in turn, sets me free from the restraints that anxiety and doubts use to chain me up.

Mint The Tower – Factors in my relationships that are in need of reevaluation and adjustment have to do with how I deal with chaos and catastrophe.  Instead of retreating into myself, ducking my head down and plowing forward on my own, I need to seek support from others instead (like the figures in the card sitting together at a distance watching the tower burn).

Carnelian Ten of Pentacles – Including more creativity in my life can lighten my daily outlook because, at least in my life, creativity is the path to my greatest goals of stability and security in my life.  These are the things I want so much and focus on achieving with neatly each breath I take. My business is based on my creativity, and therefore fostering creativity allows these things to happen… while others look on and wonder at how it’s done (last part added in from the little figure at the top of the stairs in the card’s image).

PomegranateSix of Wands – The wish of mine that is ready to be manifested into reality right now is that desire for success… and the acknowledgment of that success by those that matter to me most.  I hate admitting that I need that desire that acknowledgement, that I feel a longing for those “atta’boys”.  But, not wanting to admit it doesn’t make it any less true that I do desire them.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE SWEET TWILIGHT

#MysticStarChallenge October Challenge Prompt
Question
: What changes do I need to make to understand my Guides better?

Carnival at the End of the World Tarot

Reading Summary: Stewing in your own misery (Four of Cups) and seeing everything in a defensive/offensive viewpoint (Seven of Wands and Nine of Wands) is a habit that you need to get out of (The Devil).

Take Away:  When my mind is clouded in the smoke of my wallowing, it muffles my ability to hear my intuition and thus also my guides.  Same goes for when I am too focused on protecting myself and what I value.  When I am feeling defensive, I try to build walls.  Walls are a bad habit that are very much not healthy for me and do not foster open communication with the living, the dead, or the spirit guides trying to help me.

DECK USED:  CARNIVAL AT THE END OF THE WORLD TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What deep fear am I working through?

Catton Candy Nightmare Tarot

Reading Summary: That fighting for (Seven of Wands) what I want out of life (Queen of Pentacles) is going to make me a hard and calloused son of a bitch (Queen of Swords Rx).

Take Away:  As with the Mystic Star question for today, the answer here is about my inner walls. It’s about shutting people out and burying my emotions so that I become someone I do not want to be.  I want to stand up for those things I believe in. I want to fight for those things I value.  At the same time?  I need to make sure that I do so in a way that doesn’t… turn me into my mother.

I believe that the work I have been doing with Gideon about getting in touch with my feelings and my growth in the areas of dismantling those walls and developing a stronger sense of emotional intelligence are helping me in making sure this doesn’t end up my fate.

DECK USED:  CATTON CANDY NIGHTMARE TAROT

Morning Bonus Read – Trick Or Treat Halloween Spread

Because I am trying to show a bit more of my decks this month, as I have a whole LOT of October/Halloween/Samhain decks, I’m doing a few extra bonus reads over the month.  This is one of those extra readings.

Halloween Tarot Spread - Carnival at the End of the World Tarot

Card To Represent Something That Is Tricking Me
The Last Judgement and The Devil

These cards are a reminder that my values and self worth have absolutely nothing to do with my control (or the lack thereof) over my addictions. It’s like equating your self worth with the cleanliness of your home or the color of your shoes. They have nothing to do with each other, but sometimes we (as humans) get all these things mixed up in our head and emotions.

How I’m Being Fooled By This
Page of Cups

This tendency to equate one’s self worth with how we feel about a flaw or issue that we’re currently involved in is a sign of emotional immaturity. This isn’t a huge surprise, as I have spent a good portion of my life burying my emotions and muffling them behind thick walls.  Now that I’m opening up to them  more fully and willingly, little stumbling blocks like these are bound to crop up.

How Can I Gain a Clear Perspective and Stop Being Tricked?
The Sun

Allow yourself to have some fun.  You’re not hurting anyone,  not even yourself.  So there’s no harm in it. That in itself rouses a bit of guilt, although that has more to do with being raised that fun is a waste of time.  I know this is not to be the case, and The Sun card here in this spread indicates I need to remember to embrace my fun rather than allowing the past to influence me into shying away from it.

Card To Represent a Treat In My Life
Queen of Cups

Being able to better connect with and understand people on an emotional level than I have in the past.  I’ve noticed this a few times recently in speaking with others and how I relate to them.   What I used to see as my empathy for others I have now come to realize was far more logic based thane emotion based.

A Way That I Can Fully Embrace This Treat
Knave of Wands

Continue to make the exploration of emotional growth a priority and pour my interest and attention into it.  This might be difficult during the holiday rush that is quickly approaching.  But, ten weeks from now, that chaotic time will come to an end, and I’ll be able to delve back into that exploration with both feet.

Something I Don’t Yet Understand About This Treat
Six of Coins

It’s going to change how I relate to others that are more fortunate than myself, and others that are fare less fortunate than myself.  It’ll give me a new perspective on balance, and on my personal involvement with that balance.   I’m not there yet, but just as I understand empathy more now than I did before, so too will this come into focus as tome goes on.

DECK USED:  CARNIVAL AT THE END OF THE WORLD TAROT

It’s Good Not To Be King

IMG_6920Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and was one of the guided meditations with interval timers for my piriformis stretches.

The topic of today’s meditation was about taking time to let in the beauty and the  majesty of the world.  To take it in and appreciate it, and allow it to calm you.   It was about how sometimes? Even when we feel like we need to act, and act right now, that it’s better to wait and watch, and allow things to unfold at their own pace.

This can be really hard, yeah?  But the key in today’s guided meditation was that if we can find beautiful and peaceful things to focus on, it can help us in allowing that space instead of jumping into the fray.

Madam Lydia Wilhelmina's Tarot - King of WandsToday’s draw is is the King of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of a projective alpha energy in the area of one’s inspiration, passion projects, drive, and that inner spark of curiosity and invention. This often translates into themes that have to do with authority figures or leadership energy that leads the charge, stirring up those beneath them to  lead them into the fray of whatever passionate interest is the focus of the time.

What stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is the pumpkin that is impaled upon the wand that the skeleton king holds.   The pumpkin as the drawing on a sugar skull on it, and reminds me of a head on a pike.

What I see in this imagery is that sometimes?  Sacrifices have to be made for progress to happen for the greater good.  Sometimes?  Things or people get left behind.  Not because it’s fair or even right… it’s neither.  But when you’re the king?  You have to think of the greater good.  Sometimes that means that things aren’t fair for everyone, and sometimes it means that things that feel wrong happen just to make sure the greater good thrives.

Today’s card is a reminder of why I despise being leader and try to avoid that when I’m able. It’s a reminder of how happy I am not to be those things, and how much comfort and relief I get from that fact.

DECK USED:  MADAM LYDIA WILHELMINA’S TAROT

LionHart’s #TheOctoberTarot #SeasonOfTheWitchChallenge Prompt
Question
: How can my inner magick support my journey?

Gothic Horror Tarot

Reading Summary: You are the ruler of your own domain (King of Pentacles) and are skilled at the running of it (Eight of Pentacles) because your inner compass keeps things balanced (Justice).

Take Away:  I recently came to realize just how unique each home and household is.  How in the ecosystem of a home and those that live within it, certain knowledge that is unique to that ecosystem is spread between it’s members.  Things like preferences in foods and brands, differences in bathroom times and daily ablution periods, how quickly things run out and how they deal with these things. 

How smoothly these things are run and how well this information is shared is dependent upon those involved and whoever the “head” of that ecosystem is that keeps things running smoothly.  In my home, that person is me.  My need for organization and desire for a sense of security is a part of the magic of who I am, and applying this to my home and those within it helps us all move more comfortably upon our journey, and feel more safe with each step that is taken.

DECK USED:  GOTHIC HORROR TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsOct2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: Forgive / Accept / Honor

Luis Royo's Labyrinth TarotForgiveNine of Pentacles – Forgive myself for wallowing in a sense of security.  It’s been really nice to feel like everything’s taking care of itself for a while and like it’s not on my shoulders to push myself hard as I can. It’s hard to feel like it’s okay to feel that way, though. I have a lot of guilt around letting myself wallow in it for a bit, especially as I try to get myself back in gear now to prepare for the busy season ahead.

AcceptKnight of Wands – Accept that it’s now time to get your ass up and get a move on.  Unfortunately, that more relaxed time I’ve been enjoying has come to an end.  It’s a bummer, because I’ve just started to enjoy it, but now it’s time to accept that I need to plunge into my work.  My creative business will not run itself, and requires a certain amount of preparation to function properly and run well during the holiday rush.

HonorTen of Cups atop Jack of Wands – I need to honor what I have learned through how I’ve invested my time over the spring and summer. I’ve put a lot of time and focus on exploring my emotional intelligence and growing my understanding of my own emotions over the spring and summer.  I’ve found that I need a bit of rest to find emotional fulfillment, and just how important emotional fulfillment really is.  These things that I have learned are very important lessons that I want to honor by carrying forward into the future with me.

Luis Royo's Labyrinth Tarot - Five of SwordsWhat does it mean to honor what I need in order to feel emotionally fulfilled?

The Five of Swords indicates that you need to appreciate how far you’ve come, how much you’ve done, and protect these things.

This protection is not about building walls or anything so stagnant.  It’s important to remember that  emotions do not thrive when closed up and walled off.  So using that type of method that you have often used in the past is not going to work this time around.

Instead, you need to look at a more active style of defense and protection by carrying these things that you have learned with you as you move forward and holding them close as you without suffocating them.

DECK USED:  LUIS ROYO’S LABYRINTH TAROT

#MysticStarChallenge October Challenge Prompt
Question
: How does my Spirit Guide card relate to my card for the month?

Terrestrial Tarot, Carnival at the End of the World Tarot, Trionfi della LunaReading Summary:  With the emotional growth that I have been exploring over the spring and summer (Ace of Cups) has also come lessons about how stepping back from pushing myself so damned hard (Temperance) can lead to a stronger sense of emotional fulfillment and completion (Ten of Cups).

The Sun of my Spirit Guide and the Hierophant of my month’s card are providing the path forward (Two of Wands) that will allow me to preserve and foster what I have learned so far on my journey of emotional growth.

Take Away:  It is an indication that my Spirit Guide is trying to support me and the growth I’ve managed thus far, as well as the perseverance of what I’ve learned as I move into what is hands-down the most stressful part of my year each year.

DECK USED:  TRIONFI DELLA LUNA, TERRESTRIAL TAROT, CARNIVAL AT THE END OF THE WORLD TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can better connect with my spirit guide mentors?

Golden Age of Horror Comics Tarot

Reading Summary: Tap in to what you know and are skilled at (Eight of Pentacles), combined with your childhood experiences (Six of Cups). Examine how you can see this connection differently (The Hanged Man).

Take Away:  The message here is about looking a gift horse in the mouth.  The thing is?  Many of my greatest skills come from those in my past.  The experiences and the skills passed down to me that I have utilized to get myself where I am?  These are also from the same individuals in my past that I have spent a good deal of time resenting and avoiding. My guides are, in some cases, a piece of my past.  They were there then, either in living form or in the ethereal plane… they’re here now too.  They have always wanted what is best for me… so maybe it’s time to let go of some of those resentments and discomforts.

DECK USED:  GOLDEN AGE OF HORROR COMICS TAROT

The Unexpected Boon

Confession… I did not meditate today.  There’s just so many hours in a day, and so many ten minute segments in each hour, and I was significantly short on both today so it just didn’t get done.   Depending on when I get done with orders tonight (or tomorrow morning probably), I might be able to fit it in before bed.  At least… if I manage to get some sleep tonight and don’t end up pulling an all-nighter.

Madam Lydia Wilhelmina's Tarot - Ace of CoinsToday’s draw is the Ace of Coins, which is traditionally a representation of new beginnings and new opportunities in the areas of finances, resources, hearth and home, health, and manifestations. 

The thing is?  Today’s been a bit rough.  I’ve needed to be home getting work done and yet had to be out dealing with traffic and doctors and rude as fuck people.  And yet? 

*Clears his throat.*  Just about 1/8th of my remaining mortgage got paid off today out of the blue due to some serious surprise income.

SO!  The message in today’s card?  Don’t discount good things happening out of the blue.  Just don’t discount it.  Because it can happen when you’re least expecting it.  Was the money free?  Not by any means… but neither was the opportunity to earn it at all anticipated or even something I thought possible.   So… stay open to the possibilities, even the surprise ones. 

DECK USED:  MADAM LYDIA WILHELMINA’S TAROT

LionHart’s #TheOctoberTarot #SeasonOfTheWitchChallenge Prompt
Question
: What is my major Hallowe’en / Samhain theme?

XII Tarot

Intuitive Hit:  Take your time and do it right.

Reading Summary: Okay so breaking this down, we have the Page of Cups as a learner in the area of emotions moving into the Four of Cups, which is about a disconnect between your motivation and your emotions.  The Five of Pentacles speaks of loss and struggle, but is overshadowed by Temperance expressively displayed with a searing sword though the heart.  What I see here is that when things move too fast, accidents happen.  When you aren’t willing to put in the effort and pay attention?  Bad things happen.  If you’re going to learn a new skill, or sink yourself into the process of learning?  It’s self defeating to not take your time or keep yourself invested through thick and thin.

Take Away:  And thus all of that circles back to the whisper of my intuition prior to breaking down the cards.   Take your time and do it right.

DECK USED:  XIII TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsOct2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: What do I need to focus on for self care this full moon?

Tarot of Haunted HouseReading Summary: Stand up for what’s yours (Seven of Wands) and those that collaborate with you (Three of Pentacles), and shine a light on (Knight of Wands) those that try to take from you (Seven of Swords).

Take Away: This fits with what my full moon ritual tonight was about, which is to say that it is a ritual that began with the new moon and beginning the process of building strength and condensing it over the past couple of weeks in order to refresh my home’s protective wards and other protections this evening.

I do not want a repeat of what happened last year, with the shadow of my father’s influences invading my life to create significant inner struggle and a sickening shrivel of sensation in my soul as the month progressed toward its end.  For the month of October and November, I’ve therefore chosen to up my wards and protections, shifting their focus and construction over this time period to include these issues.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF HAUNTED HOUSE

#MysticStarChallenge October Challenge Prompt
Prompt:
The card for this month is the ______, which indicates…

Carnival at the End of the World Tarot - The HierophantThe card for this month is the Hierophant card, which indicates that you will have much to learn this month, and many people to share what you learn with, to teach, and guide along the way.

During this month it will also be important to remember that not all traditions and “old ways” of doing things are bad or need to be broken… or even altered.

Sometimes when we get too carried away with our own independence, we forget that many of the “old ways” of doing things have lasted as long as they have for a reason.  Because they hold meaning, and because they work.  It will be important to pay attention to what old ways you might be discarding without truly thinking through their value.

DECK USED:  CARNIVAL AT THE END OF THE WORLD TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: A message for my spiritual path.

Ludy Lescot Tarot

Reading Summary: Listen closely to your inner wisdom and intuition (High Priestess) and allow it to tell you when the time for celebration (Three of Cups) of your accomplishments (Six of Wands) is needed (Justice)

Take Away:  The thing is?  I have a very difficult time giving myself the credit that I deserve.  I am aware of this issue.  Gideon calls it modesty, but I’m not really sure that’s what it is at all.  It is far more likely that it has to do with that “never enough” shadow of mine.

The message for my spiritual path is that I need to start healing that inner shadow by listening to the quiet whispers  in the darkness that tell me when I’ve done something good… listen to them and allow them to lift me up.  Wallow, even if just briefly, in that moment of elation.   In doing so, I am helping to balance out the scales between that shadow’s influences and my need for growth and progress.

DECK USED:  LUDY LESCOT TAROT

Value and Balance

Today’s meditation was just over twelve minutes long, and was a continuation on the theme of managing stress.

Today, the guided meditation explored how a moment focusing upon your breathing, and on a careful body scan from head to foot where you train your attention on relaxing each body part individually one at a time, can assist in easing the physiological response to stress and anxiety.

That is to say that stress and anxiety cause physiological responses.  Your blood pressure goes up, your breathing shortens and shallows, your heart beats faster, your brain feeds your body a trickle of adrenaline, etc. These physical responses can be managed by taking a moment to do some deep breathing and focus upon the moment and relaxing your body.

Halloween Tarot Today’s draw is the Knight of Ghosts (Cups) which is a representation of an active beta energy, personality, or person in the area of the heart, emotions, relationships, and intuition.

What I saw when I pulled this card is a message about value.   Specifically, that those who manipulate others through use of emotion also have their value.  Maybe they are entertaining, or maybe they help in distracting those that would be in your own path without realizing that’s what they’re doing.

But the fact is.  Everyone has value.  Even those who follow a different code of ethics and a different moral compass than your own.  Sometimes it’s easy to look down on these people, but it’s important to remember that they, too, have a place in our lives, and in live in general.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: How can I better balance personal time with the time I spend with others?

Carnival at the End of the World Tarot Reading Summary:  I need to inspire a time of reckoning and self examination concerning what’s important to me and what isn’t (Judgement).  Doing this will inspire me to better preserve those things most important to me (Seven of Wands), and let go of the rest in order to create space for what’s important to me to grow.

In other words, I need to do some trimming and weeding.

Take Away: I’m focusing on too many different things, and spreading myself too thin.  Sort of like trimming a tree in order to allow it to sprout new growth and produce a healthier dispersion, some serious evaluation of what I value is needed in order to par down the sheer amount of crap on my plate and create space in my life for what I need to be in it to dig deeper roots and flourish.

Deck Used: The Carnival at the End of the World Tarot