Concealing Chaos
Tangled up
a chaotic mess
its volume
overpowers order
and swallows whole
organization
causing even that
which is
in front of your face
to disappear
as it is swallowed
by the chaos
looming
in the background
Self Care Saturday (On a Sunday)
These Saturday readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and is not meant as a predictive reading… although that, too, happens on occasion.
The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?
Earth – Eight of Wands Rx and Adaptability – Slow down and take your time. It’s okay that things are taking their time in getting back on track, and it’s okay that you need to take your time finding your balance. Not everything can move quickly, and this is one of those times where you are along for the ride rather than in control. Go with the flow and in time you will find yourself back at a safe and healthy balance once more. The depression you deal with at the moment isn’t situational nor based in emotion or thought… it’s rooted in your mental health and it’s going to take time to find your way back out of it. Don’t be impatient and just “let it ride” for now.
Air – King of Wands and Harmony – Staying on top of things with the business will help you in finding a small sense of control during a time when everything else in the world feels out of sync and off kilter. This isn’t about burying yourself in work, but rather about providing yourself a sense of empowerment by using your skills to keep things running smoothly.
Water – Knight of Wands and Vision – So much play… so much goodness coming from it. Your time with Gideon in play is helping you. It gives you something to feel enthusiastic about in the midst of the weight of depression, and it allows you to see that there is good stuff out there for you, and people that love and cherish you, even when you are caught in darkness. Make sure this week that you continue to find those things that give you that perspective… a perspective that is often sorely lacking when stuck in the depression’s grip.
Fire – Page of Wands and Patience – Take this time to make small steps. Small progress. Don’t push too hard and don’t take on too much. Now is a time for being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself space to adjust. Every small and little thing you do is an accomplishment, even the ones that feel silly or mediocre are still another small step forward.
Waning – Journey – You’re not gong to be getting anywhere fast this week. Just let go and let things take their own time as you move at a bit slower than your normal pace.
Waxing – Ardent Desire – Allow your passion for Gideon to help keep your spirits aloft. Temptation and longing are your friend… just don’t put yourself at risk of the drop or it could bring all those good feelings crashing down around you.
Take Away – The darkness marches on into the week and will be there as your companion through it, but there are things you can do to help keep yourself afloat so that you do not sink so far down into the muck that it becomes even harder to eventually pull yourself out. Have patience and focus on these positive things, allow yourself time and remember that it won’t last forever.
DECKS USED:Â INK WITCH TAROT, ORACLE OF THE RADIANT SUN, PIATNIK ART DECO FORTUNE TELLING CARDS
When Everything Falls Apart
Today’s meditation was skipped because I didn’t feel like it, which… at the time felt like a valid excuse to skip it for the day, but now I realize that it’s not and I should have realized it from the start. I just felt such a heavy lack of enthusiasm and dread about it that I had a “fuck it” reaction and didn’t do it.
Today’s draw is the Ten of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of feeling overwhelmed and/or overburdened. It is about struggling under the weight of one’s projects and responsibilities. I often end up getting this card as a warning when I am approaching burnout.
What stands out to me the strongest in this card’s imagery to day is the upraised hands. It’s as if we have caught this man in that single moment when what was a neatly stacked and bundled collection of wands decides to go awry and spread out. The hands then raise up in an “oh shit” to try and catch what has clearly decided to split, separate, and break free.
We all have times when everything is neatly in a row and then suddenly one of the ducklings goes off track and chaos ensues. It’s not always about having overburdened yourself… but about losing control of that burden unexpectedly.    The thing is?  That is also a form of overburdening… as it’s important to leave some wriggle room for when that moment of “awry” happens so that you can deal with it instead of it overpowering you.
DECK USED:Â HEAVEN & EARTH TAROT
LionHart’s Elements Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: What am I asked to take with me moving forward?
Reading Summary: Let go of your perceived failings (Judgement atop Emergent of Coins Rx), while taking forward into the future your empowerment (The Magician) and hope (The Star).
Take Away: It is hard to let go sometimes when you feel you’ve fucked up or suck at something. Or, at least it’s hard for me to let go of it. Especially if the repercussions involve destabilizing my security or hurting someone else. The key to a healthier future, though, is to remember that from these experiences you learn and obtain tools that help you in dealing with them better in the future, and do what you can to focus on the good you can do moving forward.
DECK USED:Â MUNDANE MAGICK TAROT
#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What is your greatest vice you’re not consciously aware of?
Reading Summary: When finding myself at the end of a journey (Ten of Swords) and thus the beginning of a new one (Ace of Cups), I often fail to pause and take stock (Four of Pentacles Rx) before moving forward.
Take Away: I’m so constantly going full bore from one thing to the next that I often forget that I need to take a break and find my footing again between one adventure and the next one.
Instead, I move on from what has been finished and dive enthusiastically into the next, allowing my pursuit if enjoyment and pleasure to carry me away into the new “thing”, whatever that thing might be, without that necessary pause to take stock, restock, and find my balance before continuing on.
DECK USED:Â GUARDIAN OF THE NIGHT TAROT
I turned the water off for the sink and decided not to fuck with it today. It was really frustrating me, as it’s still leaking. It didn’t at first. Not for the first few hours after I’d taken it apart and put it back together. Then it started leaking again while we were doing the dishes. So obviously… it’s not fixed. I needed to step away from it for a bit, so I have decided not to deal with it today or tomorrow since it’s the weekend anyway so if I need to get hold of Moen, it won’t be possible until Monday at the earliest.
Gideon’s Challenge
Taking a Rest
Under boughs of
sharp tipped needles
the ground is soft
with spongy moss
and piles
of shedded debris
from the towering
branches above
this shelter
is my happy place
where hours
are spent lying upon
fragrant softness
looking up through
shades of green
Photo © ZenStatePhotography
Morning Bonus Read – Negative Patterns
The prompt for this reading came from one of my Discord servers and is as follows:
“The very simplest, most basic premise of shadow work is that when our subconscious wants something different from our conscious, our conscious choices and magic are ineffective because they are being sabotaged by our unconscious. This book is pointing out that SOMETIMES (not always) when we see a repeating “negative” pattern in our lives, it is because that thing is fulfilling some subconscious desire. The only way forward is to drag that part of us out of the shadows and integrate or accept it so that we can consciously choose how to fulfill those desires instead of letting them drive our life. This is a very basic idea and there are obviously many facets to this, but this week, if you like, join me in exploring this most basic idea with one or more of these questions (or others if you so choose).”
An area in your life with a recurring “negative” pattern.
Five of Diamonds
Scarcity issues. God fuck do I ever have scarcity issues. It is a recurring problem in that it drives me constantly to try harder and do more, spurring my constant craving for security and stability to the point of near obsession.
What would I stand to lose if this negative pattern were to magically, suddenly disappear from my life?
Five of Spades
My fight. My push. As mentioned above, I use my scarcity issues as a motivational shove to get things done and stay on track with my plans, goals, and responsibilities. Without those issues there to create drive, things like depressive episodes and mood swings as well as a variety of other situations and distractions would make staying focused on those goals and responsibilities nearly impossible.
What feeling does this negative pattern give me that I might, deep down, secretly enjoy?
Four of Spades
Exhaustion after a job well done. Honestly? Burnout sucks ass, but it does occasionally create a perception of having done a lot and accomplished something. Otherwise, why would you be so tired?
Am I experiencing pleasure in relation to the guilt I feel for having and using this negative pattern?
Seven of Clubs
Yes. I’m fighting the good fight… Or I feel like I’m fighting the good fight using this negative pattern as a weapon against laziness, failure, and distraction. It feels empowering.
If I let go of guilt about this negative pattern, What feeling would be left?
King of Clubs
More strength and security to support my business and my endeavors. This last question was an interesting turn in perspective for me about this pattern of behavior.  So often my negative patterns and behaviors are things that I feel need to be resolved or healed. Yet in this case, perhaps it is more about finding a balance of moderation instead.
DECK USED: PLAYING POLITICS 20/20 VISION PLAYING CARDS
Motivations and Sneaky Shit
Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was a guided meditation from the Calm app with an interval timer added in for my piriformis stretches. Â
The topic of today’s meditation was about closure. The example used was about romantic relationships, but honestly? I think the need for closure goes beyond just romantic relationships and can extend to friendships and even acquaintances sometimes. Something said in the meditation about how some people disappear from your life without warning or a trace (triggering in many that need for closure that they didn’t get) brought up a different topic for me.
I am one of those people… one of those friends that sociable people often consider a “bad friend”. I disappear for months at a time… then reappear back in other people’s lives as if no time has passed at all. Sort of like starting a conversation, walking out of the room for an hour, and then just picking the conversation back up exactly where ti was left when you return to the room again.
This is something that a lot of people don’t understand, I’ve found. But honestly? To me? It doesn’t -feel- as if any time has passed. That gap of time and absence? I don’t see it and I don’t realize it’s there. It’s like, because I think of these friends, sometimes on a daily basis, they are not absent even though I might not be in contact with them. To me, they are still in my life. Still present. (Other times, I just lose time and have no clue that so much time has passed because my memory is missing a few days, weeks, or months. This particular issue is due to a combination of a head injury when I was younger, and mental health fluctuations.)
Today’s draw is is the Seven of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of trickery, strategy, thievery, betrayal, and all around sneaky shit. Mind you, not all sneaky shit is bad shit. Being cunning and strategic can be a very good quality… but it is still sneaky shit sometimes.
What stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is not surprising. It’s the hands and what’s within them, the homes in the distance, and the blue shade of the cloak that the figure wears.
What I see in this imagery is a warning that not everything is how it first appears, and you need to be aware and paying attention with that in mind. Some people are guileless and they wear their emotions on their sleeves and intentions on their face. Others… are not like that. They may appear trustworthy, simple, innocent, easy, innocuous, or friendly. But what lies beneath the surface.
The advice here is that sometimes, we have to look at other’s motivations, even when they appear to be being nice or look completely harmless. Everyone has motivations behind their actions… pay attention to what those motivations might be.
DECK USED:Â BONESTONE & EARTHFLESH TAROT
#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What are you clinging to that can be let go of without repercussion?
Reading Summary: My concern that having a bit of fun (Three of Cups) will distract me from my plans and goals (Two of Wands). It’s okay to take comfort (Four of Wands) in those things that bring me pleasure (imagery in the Queen of Wands).
Take Away: This is the influence of my father and how his voice managed to integrate into my inner narrative and make a home there. It’s the concept that that anything that’s fun can’t possibly be productive or useful because you’re supposed to buckle down and work, be serious and focus to your goals, and not allow “frivilous things” to distract you.
I know that voice is wrong, and I know it’s harmful. I’ve never really considered that I “cling” to it before, but I think in some ways I do… because it seems like the path to stability and security. But on closer reflection, it may get you to stability and security, but at what cost to your health and happiness?
DECK USED:Â TAROT OF THE DIVINE MASCULINE
Â
I spent all evening and night in play with Gideon today and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it. I didn’t do even a shred of work other than searching for a bin of charms I’d somehow thought I’d misplaced. I discovered that instead, what happened is I was exhausted when I had the bin out before (along with a different one) and I accidentally put the charms back into the wrong bin. I suppose that discovering this could also be self care, since as soon as I found those charms, I felt much better. I was having a bit of an anxiety issue over the whole thing.
