Keep Going

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IMG_9948Today’s meditation was a little different than the norm because I didn’t use a timer at all, nor a guide.  I think the meditation was about a half hour long, but I’m not entirely sure. Instead of using these things, I chose to simply lay quietly and take time to breathe and listen to the world going about it’s business beyond my windows and walls. I did some small stretching, but nothing major, it was more just about being quiet and not allowing my brain to go through its normal constant litany of what needs done and what not to forget before I manage to write it all down.

Waterfall Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Six of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of leaving behind (and/or escaping) unhealthy or untenable situations for something better. Where the Eight of Cups is a decision based on an emotional reaction, in the Six of Swords the leaving is about practicality, and is rational and planned.

With how many changes have been going on in my life lately, from the climb out of depression’s pit to the shifts in my business due to the pandemic’s ever changing requirements, the Six of Swords is a fitting card.

Changes bring with them a sense of instability and uncertainty more often than not, and I’ve felt a good deal of that over the past few weeks as I adjusted (yet again) to the changes and adjustments that needed to be made for my business, and continued my climb out of the dark of depression into the light.   I am still climbing, but I can feel the improvement with each day that passes.  That improvement is still in baby steps, but those steps are perceptible now.

The combination of the Six of Swords with today’s Thera-Pets card is a reassurance that it is going to work out.  I’m headed in the right direction, I’m doing everything I can to move things forward and keep them going in the right direction.

Keep doing what you’re doing to keep things moving in a healthy direction and everything’s going to work out just fine.

DECK USED:  WATERFALL TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

LionHart’s Whispering Woods Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Today I plant my seeds of growth knowing that…

Very Little Tarot

Reading Summary: …moving forward with your emotional growth (Page of Cups) has the potential to be a harrowing experience (Nine of Swords). But keep in mind that it’s something you really want to do (Ace of Wands), even if you have to stumble a bit along the way (The Fool) and feel like you’re fucking up now and then (Five of Coins).

Take Away:  There are times when trying to learn about and learn how to handle my own emotions makes me feel like a fucking idiot. It’s often a struggle and can be really disheartening, it can also lead to a bit of anxiety now and then when I can’t find the words to express an emotion I’ve yet to actually put a name to. During these times of struggle, I need to remember that the emotional growth I’m seeking is something I want… very much.  More than enough to deal with the discomfort of growing pains along the way.

DECK USED:  VERY LITTLE TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What do I need to focus on for self-care for this new moon?

Waterfall TarotReading Summary: Don’t get distracted (Three of Cups Rx) or allow yourself to become stagnant (Death Rx). Keep your eye on the prize and stay focused.  You’re not out of the woods yet, but you’re getting there (Page of Swords).

Take Away: My depression has been the focus of my readings for some time and goddamn if it doesn’t feel like beating a dead horse some times. But… It’s not done yet.  I’m still climbing.  I’m still seeking level ground and it’s going to take a bit longer to get there. The cards here indicate I need to make sure I stay focused on that goal and not allow distractions to turn into stagnancy that will hold me back or cause regression.

DECK USED:  WATERFALL TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I allowed myself to do things at my own pace today instead of pushing my ass to get going at a faster speed. I noticed this because I did feel the urge to push, but consciously made the choice to pause and breathe, then keep on at that slower and more relaxed pace.

Gideon’s Challenge

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Snowy FieldBroken Teeth

Fence posts
like broken teeth
line up in a row
to stagger under
the storm
then try to pretend
all is well
when blue skies
shine once more
but frozen mornings
show cracks
in the wood
and they don’t
stand quite as
straight as before

neither do we

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Morning Bonus Read – Pending Shadows

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The prompt for this reading came from one of my Discord servers and is as follows:
“Do you know you have shadow work hanging around but also know that you don’t have the mental energy to tackle it all yet? Do some mental and emotional preparation with these.
Theme: Make myself aware of what things I’m going to need to deal with but can’t yet.”

Women Of History Playing Cards1.  What am I going to need to deal with soon, but right now I’m not ready yet?
Three of Diamonds atop King of Spades

Taxes.  Yes, I know the deadline is coming up, and I have quite a bit to get done in the interim between now and when I meet with my accountant again next month, but it’s one of those things that I need to work on one step at a time and I’m still not quite clear headed enough to manage it.  This might mean I need to file an extension this year.

Hopefully that will not be the case and with the help of L and Z as well as the accountant, I can get it done and checked and double checked in time.  I am aware that the depression cut into the time I would have normally spent on this over the past two months though, so it’s possible that extension might end up necessary whether I like it or not.

2.  Where did this come from?
Eight of Diamonds

Having a healthy and thriving business is something I’ve built up over time and as a result it seems the taxes involved become more of a pain in the ass with each passing year.  Fortunately, I have a good accountant on my side to help me get through  it.

3.  What steps should I healthily be taking now?
Five of Diamonds

Recognize that my feelings of scarcity are there to create a buffer of care and caution right now.  It allows me to step back and look at things with an unbiased and practical eye.  I recognize that these feelings of scarcity are false, but I can use them to better prepare and allow for a level of impartiality that would otherwise be difficult to accomplish.

4.  How will I know it’s time?
Eight of Spades

When I start feeling restless in my inaction, it will be time to finally use my skills and abilities to step forward and get moving on this.  Those steps can be small, just one small step in front of the other.

DECK USED:  WOMEN OF HISTORY PLAYING CARDS

Illusions of Failure

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Today’s meditation was skipped.  I laid down and was planning on doing it but then all hell broke loose and I ended up distracted from doing it into doing other things.  So… yeah.  Tomorrow.

Heartspun Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Ten of Pentacles, which is a representation of accomplishment and stability in the area of one’s finances, resources, health, home, and manifestations. It’s about having surpassed satiation and comfort, and having moved on to “spreading the wealth” to make that stability not just one that is steady beneath your feet, but also the feet of others that stand with you.

I’ve had to do a lot of supply shopping for the business the last few days (and tomorrow), and this kind of heavy spending always makes me feel a bit vulnerable and irritable. It’s feels like having to pull packed and stable dirt out from under my feet in order to keep things running smoothly.

I know that in doing this, I then open the door for more prosperity and more progress, but that moment of instability in the spending still feels… vulnerable.    The Ten of Pentacles combined with today’s Thera-Pets card is a reminder that that feeling I experience during these times is an illusion.  It’s a sign of progress that I need to buy more supplies. It’s a good thing.

DECK USED:  HEARTSPUN TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Marching Into Darkness Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: How have I allowed what I was taught about what’s acceptable in society to burden me?

Tarot de Marseille-Waite

Reading Summary: I have taken the structure of what my early home life presented to me (Four of Wands) to learn what not to do (Death), so that I could create something healthier and more accepting (Ace of Cups).

Take Away:  I haven’t.  The answer here is that I have not allowed what I’ve been taught are society’s expectations to burden me.  I don’t rule my life by society’s expectations, but rather by my own personal moral compass.  I know what is right and wrong for me, and I follow this to find a better path and a happier life than if I were to allow myself to be constrained and/or burdened by the expectations of others.

This is not to say that there have not been times in my past where I’ve found myself trying to mold myself into the expectations placed upon me by my father, but at this time in my life I have found ways to reach past those expectations and begin living for myself instead.

DECK USED:  TAROT DE MARSEILLE-WAITE

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic: Draw or write something free form inspired by the card(s).

Heartspun TarotOne day Jude and Michael went to the mall to shop for a new girlfriend.As they walked down the corridors of the mall checking out all of the different girls, there were many who turned their heads to check them out along the way. (Two of Cups)

Looking at the girls, some were tall and others short, some were curvy and others lean, some beautiful and others more cute than breathtaking.  (Wheel of Fortune atop Two of Swords)

All day long they checked out the girls at the mall, but by the end of the day, neither had found one that they liked.  Then, as they were heading for the exit Jude pulled Michael up short and kissed him.

And neither of them ever looked at girls again. (Ten of Swords)

DECK USED:  HEARTSPUN TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I got laid and was a greedy fucker and it was glorious.   I love you, Gideon.

Gideon’s Challenge

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Purple HyacinthOnly for You

Open wide
splayed
vulnerable
the offer is there
for the taking
delicate bits
exposed
there for
plundering
and exploring
Kneel
and worship

What
are you waiting for?

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Relationship Balance

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Today’s meditation was just over twenty-two minutes long and was one of the customizable meditations that are offered on the Oak app.  I actually set the thing for 18 minutes but ended up lingering for a few minutes more once it was over.  I like the mantra meditation, but I’m not all that sure about the customizable ones.  I’ll probably mess with them a few more times before I make up my mind on them, though.  I do like that you can set up the length how you want, though, which isn’t something you can do with the Calm app that I’m used to using most of the time.

Walter & Fitzpatrick Inspired Harmonious Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the King of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of a projective alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s emotions, relationships, intuition, and creativity.

As happens sometimes when the King of Cups comes up, today the King of Cups feels representative to Gideon. He is, hands down, the closest to a physical manifestation that I’ve ever met of what I see in the King of Cups and in personal readings this card often comes out in direct reference to him.

Combined with the Thera-Pets card for today, what I see as the message in today’s cards is that I need to stop feeling so guilty for letting him take so much of a lions share of the reigns and responsibility in our relationship.  I often feel like he does so much more for me and us than I do, and I believe that even now to this day.   He assures me often that this is not the case and yet… it sure still seems like it. Okay, being fully honest I swear he loves me more.  Maybe it’s just in how differently we express our love to each other?  But I always feel like he loves me more. Sometimes I feel guilt for that too.

The cards today are a reassurance that that’s okay.  He’s happy.  I’m happy.  And really?  That’s what matters.  Not who’s bearing more weight or who loves who more.  It’s about being happy and comfortable and right for each other.  We have that stuff down pat.  Balance looks different for everyone… this is ours.

DECK USED:  WALTER & FITZPATRICK INSPIRED HARMONIOUS TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Marching Into Darkness Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: Do I seek out or allow toxicity or drama into my life? If so, when and why?

Gummy Bear Tarot

Reading Summary: I try not to (Seven of Wands), and I have the tools to not allow it (The Magician). But it happens when I’m feeling disconnected (The Star Rx) and not getting the nurturing energy that I need as a result (The Empress). And then trounce off like an asshat (The Fool) and try and tear shit down/apart in an effort to fix it all (The Tower).

Take Away:  A better way to deal with these issues would be with a bit of forethought. Unfortunately, I’m often at the asshat stage before I realize what’s going on and that I’m acting out.   I actually thought the cards were going to call me out on my self destructive tendencies, but the Tower in this reading isn’t about that so much as about restlessness and discontent creating a situation where I stir shit up in a subconscious desire to fix things and get what I’m missing.

DECK USED:  GUMMY BEAR TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: How can I replace judgements with more compassion?

Walter & Fitzpatrick Inspired Harmonious TarotReading Summary:  Get in touch with my personal feelings of security and stability (King of Pentacles) and allow myself to not just connect with those feelings but share them with others (Ten of Pentacles). Show gratitude and teach this to others through example (Nine of Pentacles).

Take Away: The message here is to make sure that I am in touch with just how fortunate I am, and just how hard I worked to get there. Show others the benefits of living a life in which you appreciate what you have and share that with others.  Through sharing this with others, it becomes a bigger focal point in my own life as well, creating a cycle of ownership and positive reinforcement.

DECK USED:  WALTER & FITZPATRICK INSPIRED HARMONIOUS TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

*Points to the picture below.*  Yum Yum

Blueberry Muffin and Cup of Sunshine/Chamomile Tea