Emotive Rambling

6j9zh0oi-copy

I’m going to ask you now, to yet again…tell me about the anger. Not just acknowledging it, but explaining it. Listing the reasons and expanding on them…digging into them. I need to know the depth of this anger, I need to know why it’s still there, why I can’t reach it to make it better. – Gideon 26Aug2017

My anger and pain are blended like a kaleidoscope, filled with a myriad of colors and shapes that run into each other like spilled paint. Each needle-like jab of pain endured created a singeing sear of anger. In some cases, the anger never burned itself out. In other cases, the pain is still there, still feeding the burn. It makes me wonder if it’s the anger that’s the issue… or the pain. Maybe its both.

Regardless, the colors in my kaleidoscope include the following:

Abandonment
Taking Up the Reigns
Lack of Support
Baby the Babysitter
Drown and Drop Neglect
Reciprocation Issues
The Almighty Cling

Everything feels like too big of a project right now. Starting a list, just on its own, felt like a monumental struggle. So, I am going to expand on each of these a little at a time, chipping away at each and adding more if additional points come up along the way.

Angry Flames
Although a lot of my emotions are buffered right now, (tucked beneath a layer of quieting cotton, out of view and muffled), the anger is there. I can’t feel it’s full strength, and yet there’s no denying its presence.

It eats away like a low grade acid within my gut, a mere whisper of an uncomfortable burning, always present and yet easy to ignore. I know you don’t want me to ignore it, but at the same time, I don’t know how to dig it out and let it burn freely. I acknowledge that it’s there. Im trying to get in touch with it. I know you need it to resolve the hurt and bridge the gap.

I’m trying.