Self Awareness and Vice

IMG_4480Today’s meditation was just under ten minutes long, and focused upon choosing your words wisely.  Okay so it was a bit more than that.  It was about taking a beat to get in touch with your reactions, and using that moment to recognize if you are having an emotional reaction.  To recognize if there isn’t a better way to respond than by jumping to your first reaction and raising your voice or following blindly in a raise of your emotions.

Too often when we are confronted with conflict or with something that puts our back up for one reason or another, we react without thinking.  The meditation today was focused on finding a better path by using the mindfulness learned in the practice of meditating and finding a more calm and collected response.

Maruco Animal Tarot - The DevilToday’s draw is the Devil card, which is traditionally interpreted as a representation of temptations, obsessions, and addictions.  It often refers to themes that have to do with self-imposed restrictions or self-imposed situations where one’s vices become a problem. It can also occasionally refer to that inner “shadow self” that contains the parts of ourselves and traits that we prefer not to accept or bring out into the light.

[Traditional Symbology Side Note: In the lovers card in the traditional RWS tarot, these same figures stand before two trees.   The female figure stands before the Tree of Knowledge.  The male figure stands before the Tree of Life. Here in the devil card (both in this deck and also in the traditional RWS) you see the representation of these trees reflected by what sprouts from the tails of these figures.]

I added the side note above, because what stands out to me the strongest today in the imagery of this card is the tails of the two chained fuzzies below the white tiger devil.  In this imagery, both tails have “born fruit” that feels like the fruit of that is their vice… their obsession.  Their addiction that keeps them chained.  In the case of the figure on the left, it is about the pleasure of abundance and “forbidden fruit”.   In the figure on the right, it is about the spark of one’s passions and drive.   In both cases, although what has put them in their current predicament is different, the results are the same.

The second thing that stands out to me is that in both cases, their eyes are closed…. but the tiger’s eyes are open and feel as if they have a depth of understanding to them.  This, interestingly enough, speaks to me of a blend of empathy and strength.

The message here is to make sure you are aware of those things that make you tick, and those things that have the potential to become more than that and enslave you.  I have a tendency toward addiction, and the message for me is one of self awareness.  Being self aware allows me to enjoy the things I love without taking it too far.  And, allows me to know when it is getting to a point where “taking it to far” has stopped being a possibility and has become a reality.

DECK USED:  MARUCO ANIMAL TAROT

#TarotForGrowthMay Challenge Prompt
Question
: What does my inner child want me to know at this time?

Mystical Manga Tarot

Reading Summary: This new opportunity to do things differently that’s currently before me (Page of Coins) needs to be considered with a good deal of introspection and thought (Eight of Swords) as well as careful planning.   At the center of that planning and the working through of how to proceed?  Make sure you are factoring in the need for continued self care (Empress).

Take Away:  The reorganization that has happened as a result of the pandemic has created an opportunity for me to rearrange not just how I work, but how I see things and where my focuses should lie.   The cards here are an encouragement to make sure that I don’t forget about the dedication I’ve put into self care during this time, and carry it forward into the future by careful and well thought out planning.

DECK USED:  MYSTICAL MANGA TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsMay2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: Do Spread #2
What does Miss Luna want from me that I am not providing enough of?

Animal Wisdom TarotReading Summary: More good stuff (first two cards). Less change and instability (Moth Rx). Note the flow of colors in the background which connects the first two cards, indicating that she connects the joy of my attentions (Hummingbird) with the joy of passionate action (Tiger).  This connection is reinforced by the similar color palates and abundance of light in the first two cards, which speaks of joy and happiness.  Whereas the absence of light in the last card speaks of displeasure.

Take Away:  The cards here are saying that Miss Luna wants more play time with me.  She wants to have fun and finds that fun and action a sort of positive reinforcement.

What she wants less of from me is instability and change.  There’s not a lot that I can do about that as I can only provide so much stability considering my unstable schedule.  I do work hard to give her a bit of predictability within her days tho.

DECK USED:  ANIMAL WISDOM TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: When do I take on the mood of someone else?

Stella's Tarot

Reading Summary: When I recognize that in the great scheme of things, there is no difference between others and myself (Death Rx), which allows me to connect with them through empathy (Three of Swords) and commiseration (Three of Disks).

Take Away:  Although I am not an empath, I am very much able to feel empathy under the right circumstances.  Those circumstances essentially require me to relate to and commiserate in some way with the other person.  I am then able to “take on” their mood and emotions.  This is not so much the sharing of emotions that an empath would experience, but more of a reflection of those emotions like a mirror.

DECK USED:  STELLA’S TAROT

Self Care Saturday (On a Sunday)

These Saturday readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and is not meant as a predictive reading… although that, too, happens on occasion.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

Tarot of the 78 Doors, TERRA Oracle, The Crown: ETA (Emerging Toronto Artists) Oracle

EarthKnave of Swords and Rhino (Fear) – You’re going to find yourself at a crossroads this week where you will have to choose between observation or action.  Make sure that you don’t allow your fear to be the reason that you hold back from stepping forward into the light.

AirSix of Swords and Praying Mantis (Mindfulness) – Make sure you’re not “winging it” this week.  Have a plan and move forward with purpose and intent. The first step to manifestation is forethought and planning.

Water – Six of Wands and Elephant (Kindred) – Do not allow admiration or praise to be an opening for someone to endear themselves to you. Just because they admire something you do or a quality about you that you are proud of does not make them a good fit as a friend or a confidant.

FireEight of Swords, Stingray (Balance), Manatee (Compassion) – Don’t get frustrated.  Things are not going to go as planned this week concerning creative endeavors.  Remember that it’s okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on instead of brooding over them and making a big deal out of it.   A balanced and compassionate view of these mistakes is a far better approach, and will keep you from getting stuck in self recriminations.

WaningEmpire – It’s time to get away from the city and step outside the concrete forest and into actual trees. The good news is that a vast number of trailheads have opened up in the area for day-hikes.  Spend some time outside and let that time cleanse the pollution of too much time in the city from your soul.

WaxingDuality –  Note that this card is very close to touching the mindfulness (Stingray) card.   Moving into this week, make sure that you are allowing for an open mindfulness that allows for multiple views of the situation at hand and an unbiased quality to looking forward so that you can see all of the divergent paths that are possible before you.  Possibilities abound, and allow yourself to split apart in that forward thinking so that you can explore each thoroughly before ever taking the first step.

Take Away –  Lots of planning, watchfulness, and forethought involved with this week.  Not so much action.  The week ahead is about preparation.   Acting on creative inspiration is going to cause a little distress and struggle, but that’s okay because it is something you will learn from, so even in failure it will not be a useless experience.
And… it’s time to get your ass outside and enjoy some time in the forest’s embrace.

DECKS USED: TAROT OF THE 78 DOORS, TERRA ORACLE, THE CROWN ETA ORACLE

Sidestepping the Trap

Today’s meditation was skipped in favor of going out into the world to shop for a small stand-alone freezer. With three people living in this condo, and one of them (me) requiring a minimum of 5000 or more calories a day… there is just not enough room in my tiny “top of the fridge” freezer.   So, I finally caved and went out and bought myself a small stand alone that doesn’t really fit in my tiny kitchen all that well, but is sure to make life a hell of a lot easier regardless.

I will do a brief meditation when I lie down to go to bed in a bit, though.  So I won’t have skipped entirely.

Forager's Daughter Tarot - Queen of SwordsToday’s draw is the Queen of Swords, which is traditionally interpreted as a receptive alpha energy, personality, or person in the areas of intellect, the mind, and communication. This often demonstrates in themes that have to do with independence and setting clear boundaries, a lack of bias, and being direct in one’s communication with others.

Okay so.. .admittedly, the first thing that stood out to me in this card’s imagery today is the spider.  Not for any other reason than the fact that it looks exactly like the spider that bit Peter Parker in the 2002 Spiderman movie. I mean… seriously.  It does.

Anyway.  Yeah.   That aside… what stands out to me most strongly in this imagery today is not the spider, but the moth.   One strand… and it’s stuck.  Just one strand of web, and it’s stuck in the spider’s clutches.

This feels like a build off of a reading I did yesterday that involved my mother and her machinations.   It is about remembering not to be drawn into her drama and staying focused instead upon what it is I truly need to pay attention to.  The message here is to pay attention and to take care not fall into old predictable patterns that I have already repeated again and again.

Although this message is brought to me through the memory of the reading about my mother, and relates well to my relationship with her… it also reaches beyond that relationship into other factors and relationships in my life…. relationships with others and relationships with myself.

I know this doesn’t seem like a particularly positive message to carry with me throughout my day, but I feel as if the effects of having heard this message will, in turn, be very positive as I will be aware of the traps I set for myself and those set for me by others, and in being warned to their arrival, have an easier time identifying them and side-stepping them.

DECK USED:  FORAGER’S DAUGHTER TAROT

#TarotForGrowthMay Challenge Prompt
Question
: How can I add more joy into my life?

TaRat Rat Tarot

Reading Summary: Choose a direction (Two of Wands) that allows you to celebrate more (Four of Wands) and have more carefree moments (The Fool).

Take Away:  This is something I am very much trying to do with this time that I’m away from the full weight of my responsibilities and obligations.   I am truly hoping to rearrange things and find a better way… a less stressful way… to fulfill my responsibilities and obligations while keeping a bit more space within my to breathe and enjoy life.

DECK USED:  TARAT RAT TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsMay2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: What value do I add to the lives of those around me?

Dixit Cards v.2 Quest Expansion PackReading Summary: I show/teach people how to turn their mistakes into positives (left card)… and how do use what they have to their advantage (center card)… and how to more effectively confront (blue right card) their inner demons (orange right card).

Take Away:  This is about self acceptance.  It’s about finding a path that works for the individual.   These cards indicate that the value that I add to others lives comes in the way that I help them find that path that is individually right for them.  Whether that is through teaching them in our interactions or by leading by example.  

Anyone that regularly follows my personal readings knows that I definitely do not have “it all together” and that I am a work in progress. I work to make myself a better person, and I forge the path that feels right for me, plowing the way before me one step at a time.  I am flawed and, in some cases?  I’m seriously fucked up.   But I have to admit that it feels good to know even with all of that? I am still able to help others in finding their way.

DECK USED:  DIXIT CARDS V2 QUEST EXPANSION PACK

#MysticStarChallenge
Question
: What can I do to maintain the abundance I’ve found in this time away when I return back to a ‘normal’ state?

I Tarocchi Visconti Sforza Piccolo

Reading Summary: Don’t look at it as an ending (Ten of Swords), but rather a new beginning and an opportunity to do things better (Page of Wands) while taking better care of yourself (Four of Swords).

Take Away:  The bare bones interpretation pretty much says it all.  If I want to enjoy the abundance I’ve found in this time at home, which includes the tighter connection with loved ones and the untying of knots deep within myself that have knotted up through stress and flagellation of my inner self… then I need to look at this time as an opportunity to change things, rather than a temporary change that will “go away” when more restrictions begin to be lifted and opportunities return to delve back into my responsibilities and obligations.

DECK USED:  I TAROCCHI VISCONTI SFORZA PICCOLO

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: When are my feelings discombobulated?

Embroidered Forest Tarot

Reading Summary: When I am at a place where I need to begin taking steps to start anew (Page of Pentacles), and yet I feel as if I’m still in the middle of bleeding out from my previous experiences (Ten of Swords) and not getting the support and encouragement I need (Six of Wands Rx).

Take Away:  When life has kicked you in the nuts and you’re on the floor recovering from the blow, it’s hard to get your ass up and learn to walk and talk again and do things better the second time around.  It helps to have someone there saying “come on, get up”.  Someone to cheer you on and let you know that you’re not alone.

When that someone isn’t there?  Getting up is much harder and the emotions can have a tendency at those times to tie themselves up in knots of self pity and loneliness.

DECK USED:  EMBROIDERED FOREST TAROT

 

New Moon in Gemini – May 2020

New Moon in Gemini May 2020

I have been putting these in my physical tarot journal, but after a few years of doing my tarot journal a certain way, I’m starting to feel it’s time to change things up.   As I’ve been using this blog to share my COTD (card of the day) pulls as well as my Self Care Saturday spreads, I thought maybe I would begin to transfer over to doing some of my other personal readings on here as well.    I still plan on keeping a physical tarot journal, I’m just starting to re-evaluate what I want to put the extra work into putting in it… vs placing here on this blog instead.

So… yesterday was the new moon, which is a time of new beginnings and looking forward with renewed energy.  The new moon’s placement in the sky puts the moon in the sun sign of Gemini for this new moon, which imbibes the new moon’s meaning and energies with that of the Gemini astrological sign.

This is the reading I did for the new moon yesterday. You will noticed that I have slightly rephrased a question or two in the spread.  This is to personalize the question to be clearer for my life or my personal understanding.

1. Where do I need to communicate more clearly?

This card is representative of my relationship with Gideon. I am his satellite… and he is mine. We are in a constant exchange of one trailing after the other, drawn by their gravity to constantly loop around and around… a constant companion. The Satellite card in this position is calling me out on the unnecessary silences that come when I am feeling vulnerable or out of sorts.

2. What truth needs to be recognized?

The appearance of the Pavo card in this position is also a nod to Gideon. It is about his watchful support and the depths of his protectiveness over me, the dedication he puts into my care and welfare.

Gideon… I hope that you know that I do recognize this and it is a part of you that I greatly cherish every day.  Over the past twelve years you have helped me to develop into the man that I am today, and your guidance and watchful protection has always been there for me to help me in feeling safe and secure as I move forward from each day to the next.

3. What drama do I need to step away from?

This has not manifested yet, but the Comet card indicates you will recognize the drama when it eventually comes into being through the synchronicity that surrounds it.   Pay attention to your what is going on around you in order to catch these moments of synchronicity and keep yourself from falling into drama that would be better avoided.

4. Where do I need to focus instead?

My mother.  Interesting for this to come up in relation to where to direct my focus instead of upon drama, as my mother is often right at the head of such dramas. Perhaps that is the point?

With the appearance of Aquila, the cards indicate my mother is the direction I need to look in.  Intuitively off of the imagery I see a need to look beneath the veil to find a truth.  This has to do to paying attention not to what she does or says, but to her underlying welfare and well-being.

This feels like a warning concerning drama that my mother will create in order to deflect my attention away from an underlying issue.

5. How can I put my inspiration into action?

Allow yourself room to feel safe and secure (Cirinus + Crux) even in the middle of moments when you need to lean into adaptation and adjustment (Chameleon).  Do what you can to connect with the earth (Cirinus + Crux), even when there is a possibility of adversity (Chameleon) and the responsibilities that you juggle feel like they are getting in the way (Sextans + Octans).

Note that there are tools for navigation here in both of the Earth cards.  The compass and the Sextans cards bracket the adaptability and adjustment of the Chameleon.  Ensure that you are remaining grounded and your plans are well thought out… do not just “wing it”.

DECK USED:  COSMOS TAROT AND ORACLE

Discerning with Secrets

Today’s meditation was just under twelve minutes long and was a self-guided meditation reaching out to touch upon that “accepting outside energy” again from the sun.  I’m still entirely sure about the practice, but it did seem a bit more comfortable today than last time.  Less… blinding.  Less brilliant and exhilarating and more comfortable and easy.  This might have been because today was overcast, where as the first time it was a sunny day.

Maruco Animal TarotToday’s draw is the High Priestess card, which is traditionally a representation of the subconscious, intuition and spiritual knowledge, as well as things that are known but remain unspoken.

So… what really stands out to me today in the imagery of this card is a little esoteric and off the beaten path…. but it’s the hooves.  Specifically, the “feet” hooves and their position that is in modern vernacular referred to as “the duchess slant”.

Now here’s the thing about the Duchess Slant.  It’s all about appearances.  This position involves keeping the knees and ankles tightly together and slanting the legs to the side. There is nothing comfortable about this sitting position.  The position is specifically used to convey a demure modesty and approachability while creating an aesthetically appealing lengthening appearance to the legs.

The message here is not about intuition but about secrets.  It’s about how you hold onto them… when you hold on to them… and when to let them go.

Secrets can create a lot of tension, especially in relationships with other people and within small groups of friends.  Like the Duchess Slant can cause one’s hips and back to ache over time?  So too can a badly chosen secret cause discomfort for the soul.

I’m not really sure where this applies in my life right now. It’s likely it’s something I needed to hear for whatever reason, for something upcoming.  Regardless, it’s a good advice and a healthy practice to only gather those secrets that won’t pollute your soul, energy, or social interactions with discomfort and tension.

DECK USED:  MARUCO ANIMAL TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsMay2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: What do I need to focus on for self-care this new moon?

Herbal TarotInterpretation: The Ulmus fulva in the depiction of the Wheel of Fortune card for this deck (titled the Medicine Wheel) depicts the tree as the center of a circle of stones. This deck relates this card to Native American symbolism, which is not something I relate to.  But I do relate to circles of stones placed around a tree on the ground.  This imagery speaks to me of the wheel in a horizontal position parallel to the ground rather than upright depicting the traditional “ups and downs”.  

Instead, here we have a wheel  that spins round and round, creating a centrifugal force that is greater the further away from the center you go and a great deal of stability and security at the center where the Slippery Elm tree stands as the wheel’s axis.   This, in my need for stability, speaks to me of moving closer to the tree and away from the uncertainty of the wheel’s edges.  That is to say… move towards a place of spiritual nourishment and soothing strength.

This card speaks to me the strongest in this entire spread, and provides me with a different perspective on the Wheel of Fortune card that is also my card of the year.  Instead of seeing “deal with the ups and downs this year” I see a message of finding my center and what truly provides a sense of stability and comfort in my life.

That search for one’s center is followed through by the Eight of Swords.  There’s a double meaning in this card due to the Black Cohosh that is depicted here along with the classic tarot imagery.   This card speaks of being blind to the truth and stuck in a rut, but the Cimicifuga racemosa plant offers relief from the tension of this situation, giving guidance (again) that you need to search for that center… that true feeling of stability that makes things okay.     This card combined with the Wheel of Fortune card indicates that I am looking in the wrong place for that sense of stability I crave and that it’s time to reassess.

The Fool in position beneath the Knight of Wands provides guidance as to the direction to look to in order to find that which I seek.   The Fool’s enthusiasm which is paired with the symbolism of creative energy that is present in the representation of Ginseng in this card.   This speaks of a need to open up and allow myself to move forward with an open heart and defenses down so that I can follow that creative energy into the Knight of Wands.

The Knight of Wands is then where I will find that stability that I seek and have been seeking in the wrong place lately.   The Knight of Wands is all about pouring energy and passion into your actions as you bound forward into those things that bring you joy and satisfaction.  The Knight of Wands is all about vigor and passion.  He is paired with the plant Monkshood (aka Aconitum napellus) which is an extremely powerful (and extremely poisonous) metabolic stimulant. This pairing speaks of a need for a bit of caution.  There is encouragement here to leap… but make sure you look first.

Take Away: With the arrival of this new moon, my self care needs to take a to focusing upon where I believe I find my center and my stability, and examine if that is truly the best focus for me for those things.

What is it exactly that I assume makes me feel safe and secure and on solid footing in my life?

It’s time to examine this in depth and look towards those things that create a spark of passion and joy for a new center that will suit me better.

DECK USED:  HERBAL TAROT

 

My Love Is Like The Moon

IMG_4392Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long, and focused upon dealing with difficult people with patience and kindness.  The meditation started out with a full body scan and slow breathing exercise, before there was a length of quiet in the center to sink into one’s mindfulness and relaxation.

At the end, there was then a short discussion on how when people are behaving badly and in a difficult manner, it’s important to remember that the majority of the time this happens is because of the inner wounds these people are dealing with, or the fears that they are hiding away behind that mask of distasteful behavior.

Sometimes we forget that a lot of times?  The face that people present to the world is not their true selves.  Sometimes that dick at grocery store that gets aggressive about wearing a mask is really a scared little boy that was powerless and squashed under the boots of others fighting back against being told what to do once again.

Sometimes that craggy old woman that lives on the third floor and glares at you in the elevator every day is really just so tired of giving all of her time and energy to others that she can’t handle even one more straw on her back… and is worried you may be that straw if she allows you to speak to her.

Forager's Daughter Tarot - King of CupsToday’s draw is the King of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of a projective alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s relationships, emotions, intuition, and creativity.  This often communicates as themes to do with diplomacy and empathetic leadership, as well being an indication of emotional balance and/or having a strong but compassionate nature.

When drawing this card today, what stood out most strongly to me in the imagery of this card is the full moon in the background and the heron.

The full moon holds significance in the power that it holds.  When the moon is full, it’s at its peak power and it is a draw to the eye and energies of all.  It possesses a gravitational pull over the waters of our planet that is the influence behind our ocean’s tides.

The blue heron in this card also stood out strongly to me.  The symbology of the heron is one of watchful peace.  They are a creature that can stand in stillness for hours on end, aware of every little ripple and movement around them as they linger in their chosen spot.

What I see in today’s card is you.  You are my moon. You are my blue heron.   You are that for so many, actually, and you don’t even realize it.   Your magnetism is like the full moon.  You naturally draw people to you, not with your mind but with the blend of your heart and your strength.  They are drawn to that inner quality that puts others at ease while making it safe to stand in your shadow, out of the too bright rays of the sun.

The message in today’s card is a reminder of you… a reminder of the safety you provide, as well as the balm upon the emotions you are just by being you.

DECK USED:  FORAGER’S DAUGHTER TAROT

#TarotForGrowthMay Challenge Prompt
Question
: How can I better embrace and love the shadow parts of myself?

Spirit Song Tarot

Reading Summary: Here, again, I’ve gotten all birds in what is very much not an all-bird deck.  This represents that the answer in these cards has to do with my spiritual path through the emotions (both shell cards) and encouraging a lack of judgements (Awakening Rx).

Take Away:  Shadow work.  This is about taking the time to reach out to that shadow side and do some soul searching concerning what makes that side feel as it does and helping it to see all that there is to feel grateful about.  It’s about the emotional aspects of my shadow self and allowing room for those emotions to be expressed and set free.

DECK USED:  SPIRITSONG TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsMay2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: Where do I need to ‘step up’ in my life and do better?

Tarot FaunaReading Summary: You haven’t been doing your best (Eight of Feathers Rx) to balance your emotional side (King of Shells) with your responsibilities (Two of Rocks) lately.

Take Away:  In this case, not doing my best refers to turning a blind eye to the ongoing effort needed to keep these two elements in balance and not let my responsibilities overtake the emotional side of things and force it all back into a box. 

If I don’t make a concentrated effort to create that balance and prioritize the emotional part of myself, I will fall into old habits and let that side end up “buried in the back yard” again.  This past week has made that very clear, as I sort of lost my grip on that balance, as a result my responsibilities and my tendency to lean into that side of things took control and upset the very carefully balanced apple cart I’d had going on.

DECK USED:  TAROT FAUNA

#MysticStarChallenge
Question
: How can I use this time more effectively and for my greatest good?

Star Spinner Tarot

Reading Summary: Everyone in each of these cards is facing left (thus the reason I did not turn the Knight upright) and is looking down into their what they value most.  The imagery here speaks of taking time to linger (Knight Rx) in these things that I value most and examine how I have dealt with these things in the past (everyone facing left)… and evaluate how to deal with them moving forward (Page and Ace).

Take Away:  Like yesterday, this is a reading that is echoing and expanding on the reading before it.   This is about shadow work and examining my past in order to find the weeds in my emotional well-being that need pulled out to make room for more healthy behaviors, both concerning my emotional side as well as how I relate to money and my constant need for stability in the physical world.

DECK USED:  STAR SPINNER TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: When do I give more to a relationship than I should?

Mystic Faerie Tarot

Reading Summary:  This reading refers to the “stuck” dynamic I have with my mother (EIght of Cups Rx), and how every time I try to start over with her anew (Ace of Pentacles) I end up with her trampling on my heart (Knight of Cups) and bleeding for the effort (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  The Eight of Cups in this reading was Rx, and I am the dragonfly held in place by the hands that should be loving but are instead restrictive and demanding. The cards in this relationship are pointing out a pattern where I try again and again to find that mother figure I desire from a source incapable of providing that for me due to their own selfish pursuits.

DECK USED:  MYSTIC FAERIE TAROT