Internal Struggles

Today’s meditation was done on the hardwood floor with my feet up on the bed. I needed the extra support because my back was killing me and the hard surface helped with stabilization and stretching it out. The meditation was not guided and lasted about fifteen minutes of quiet breathing.

Two of Pentacles - Ostara TarotToday’s draw is the Two of Pentacles. This is a card that I usually see quite a bit of chaos concerning. Not in the “Tower” sense of chaos, but just in that it takes a good deal of work to create balance and sometimes that work can feel chaotic.

In this card? It feels even more so. It is the smoke from the bottles, but mor than that, it is the lack of constraint created by the infinity loop that usually accompanies the balancing of the two aspects. There is also the element that the man is floating, which increases that sense of lack of control.

And yet? The birds on the ground are calm and perceive no threat.

Today’s card is a reminder that although creating balance can sometimes feel like a process that is chaotic and anchor less, this is just a trick of the mind. An internal struggle. And if you take a moment to step outside yourself in these moments, you will find that everything is fine, and that the storm is only on the inside.


Bonus Reading – #TarotForGrowthNovember

Question: How can I be more trusting of my inner voice?

Tarot of the Little PrinceReading Summary: Take some time to look around instead of holding so tightly to the reigns (The Chariot), sometimes you have to look back at the things you’ve done in life and forgive yourself for your faults (Judgement) snd instead focus on all the good you’ve done instead (Six of Cups).

Take Away:  The cards are indicating that I am too hard on myself, and too harsh and stringent with myself. They are saying that if I want an even better connection to that inner voice, I need to let up and treat my inner self better.


Self Care Saturday… On a Sunday

As I’ve mentioned before, these readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and are not meant as a predictive reading.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

Earth King of Cups – Take some time to project for myself some compassion and forgiveness, especially concerning any limitations that might arise in the week ahead.

AirThe Devil – Am drowning myself with the weight of all the “stuff”. Take a step back and evaluate mental clutter. Search for any obsessions that are not serving me and let them go.

WaterQueen of Pentacles – Going to need some alone time and to take some time to lose myself in fantasy and flights of fancy in order to nurture my emotional side.

FirePage of Rods – This week is a time for exploration and discovery. Try something new instead of the same old thing.

Waning – The need to carry my home with me is going to ease. This is not surprising, and is in direct relation to going home tomorrow.

Waxing – A new journey and crossing from the known into the unknown. This card feels like it is connected to the Fire cards in this spread.

Moral of the Story – New adventures ahead, but from home rather than abroad. Keep an eye out for what may be adding unnecessary stress or “weight”. Be sure to make some space and time for myself to breathe.

Deck Used: Morgan Greer Tarot

What Do You Value?

One of the blogs I follow recently made a post about values, and how we identify with and connect to our values on a day-to-day bases. I really enjoyed this post, and decided to do the little quiz included that would rate my own values, as well as how well I have stuck to my core, main values over the past month.


The instructions indicate that you first go through and rate each of the values on the list with the V, Q, N scale, and then go back through and use the numeral values at the bottom to rate each of those marked with a V.


Very important to you (V), quite important to you (Q), or not important to you (N)

    1. Connecting with Nature: Importance of value to you (V, Q, N?) =V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 9
    2. Gaining wisdom: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    3. Creating beauty (in any domain, including arts, dancing, gardening): Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 9
    4. Promoting justice and caring for the weak: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    5. Being loyal to friends, family and/or my group: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    6. Being Honest: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 9
    7. Helping others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    8. Being sexually desirable (TO MY PARTNER): Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 5
    9. Having genuine and close friends: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 7
    10. Having relationships involving love and affection: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 9
    11. Being ambitious and hard working: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q (I think?)
    12. Being competent and effective: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 8
    13. Having a sense of accomplishment and making a lasting contribution: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    14. Having an exciting life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    15. Having a life filled with adventure: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    16. Having a life filled with novelty and change: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    17. Being physically fit: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    18. Eating healthy food: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    19. Engaging in sporting activities: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    20. Acting consistently with my religious faith and beliefs: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    21. Being at one with (MY VERSION OF) God: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    22. Showing respect for tradition: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    23. Being self-disciplined and resisting temptation: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    24. Showing respect to parents and elders: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    25. Meeting my obligations: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 8… Maybe 9
    26. Maintaining the safety and security of my loved ones: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) =10
    27. Making sure to repay favors and not be indebted to people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    28. Being safe from danger: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 9
    29. Being wealthy: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    30. Having authority, being in charge: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    31. Having influence over other people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    32. Having an enjoyable, leisurely life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    33. Enjoying food and drink: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    34. Being sexually active: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    35. Being creative: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    36. Being self-sufficient: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 9
    37. Being curious, discovering new things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) =
    38. Figuring things out, solving problems: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) =  8
    39. Striving to be a better person: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    40. Experiencing positive mood states: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 5 (I get a 10 for effort, though)
    41. Feeling good about myself: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 7 (also get 10 for effort)
    42. Leading a stress-free life: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 4
    43. Enjoying music, art or drama: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 6
    44. Designing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    45. Teaching others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 7
    46. Resolving disputes: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    47. Building and repairing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    48. Working with my hands: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 10
    49. Organizing things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 6
    50. Engaging in clearly defined work: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    51. Researching things: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    52. Competing with others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    53. Being admired by many people: Importance (V, Q, N?) = N
    54. Acting with courage: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    55. Caring for others: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 8
    56. Accepting others as they are: Importance (V, Q, N?) = V
      Consistency (0-10?) = 8
    57. Working on practical tasks: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    58. Seeking pleasure: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    59. Avoiding distress: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q
    60. Avoiding self-doubt: Importance (V, Q, N?) = Q

Consistency Scoring:

0 = you have not been following this value over the past month
1 – 3 = you have been following this value occasionally over the past month
4 – 6 = you have been following this value sometimes over the past month
7 – 9 = you have been following this value often over the past month
10 = you have been always living by this value over the past month

You don’t really get a total score, as this is more of an exercise to explore your values and what is important to you by breaking them down and rating how much you then incorporate them into your life.

So there you go.  Not really anything all that surprising, I don’t think?


Self Care Saturday (on Sunday)


Week five of accountability.  This is definitely working out for me, and I will continue it past the end of August.  Today, I would not have gotten my journaling done on this spread at all without the accountability of needing to post it here.  I’m well aware of that and that the reason I did it is because it needed to get put up here on the blog.

As I mentioned before, these readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and are not meant as a predictive reading.

The question is… What do I need to focus on in the week ahead?

BodyFour of Candles – Now is a time to focus on the progress made.  Do not let what is predictably a slow two weeks each year drag you down.  Celebrate how far you’ve come instead.

MindFive of Tomes – Don’t let worries and anxieties about finances and stability overrun me and blind me to options and methods that are there to assist when needed.

EmotionsExplorer of Bells – As the Five of Tomes speaks of keeping the mind open to possibilities and options, this one speaks of keeping oneself open to lessons of the “heart”.  Do not close yourself off, just make good choices.

Inner SparkNine of Bells – Do not let the cacophony of self doubt over the next week stunt your progress, no matter how distracting it may be.

Moving Away From – Subdrop… and thank god for that.  The feeling of being swallowed whole bhy the drop will soon pass.

Heading Toward – Self doubt and overly critical thinking directed at the self, especially in relation to my business and finances.

Moral of the Story – Relax and Breathe… It’s going to be okay.

Untitled-1Side note on last week’s Self Care Saturday:

You see this card from last week?  You see that devil there, invisible but on the leash?   I know what that is now.

That is the motherf’king subdrop… walking so nicely beside me, hidden but there. But it’s not on a leash at all. Just when I thought I had it under control, it jumped up and bit me on the ass.

Just sayin’.

Decks Used: Numinous Tarot, Dixit Quest Expansion Pack #2

Self Care Saturday (on Sunday)


Week two of accountability on my Self Care Saturday spread in order to foster the motivation to write it down instead of just reading the spread, taking a picture, and moving on.

As mentioned before, these readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook.  This is a self care exercise, and not meant as a predictive reading.

The question is… What do I need to focus on in the week ahead?

BodyTemperance – I need to keep an eye on what I’m doing to my body this week and take care to practice balance and moderation with both my physical activity and what I’m using as fuel.  Don’t hurt myself by pushing too hard.

MindTwo of Rods & Ace of Cups – There are some decisions that I need to make concerning what direction I want to take my creativity for the week.  The new project that I’m considering will bring me joy, but I need to be careful not to overload myself. (In other words, make a choice on what to focus on instead of putting all my fish on to fry at once.)

EmotionsThree of Pentacles – This is the 2nd time that this card has appeared in a reading for me in the past two days, and both times it has appeared in the position of the heart/emotions.  This is all about learning some new skills and flexing my creative “muscles” while putting in the work to manifest my idea into reality.  This ties directly into the new project idea mentioned above.

Inner SparkKing of Pentacles – Very clear here. Grab the reins, Be the Boss. Do It.

Moving Away FromStripping Illusions & Grounding – It’s time to strip away my second guessing and self doubt.  Stop holding myself back and pushing down the ideas that have been brewing.

Heading TowardsGrowth & Psychic Development – Although the question for this reading didn’t direct me towards the project that I was considering, it appears that’s the direction that it went in anyway.  It’s time to grow, move forward, and follow where my intuition is leading me.

Decks Used: Anna K Tarot, Shamanic Healing Oracle


Cast Them Overboard

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and sixteen seconds, and focused on the practice of bringing gratitude into your everyday life.  

Sometimes, especially when we are feeling down, gratitude is something that is hard to get in touch with.  But, there are always things to be grateful for, even if it’s simply the fact that when you wake up in the morning you are being presented with another chance to make life better.

I am planning to do a post soon concerning my own daily gratitude practice, so I won’t wax poetic on this topic here, but suffice to say that I absolutely agree with the need to bring gratitude into each and every day.  I feel that it is uplifting to the spirit and soul to find -something- with which to be truly grateful for at the beginning of each day.

Today’s draw is the Six of Swords, which is a representation of transitions and change in the area of thoughts, ambitions, communication, and logic.

The representation of the Six of Swords in the card is a depiction of someone moving away in a boat, but carrying six swords in the boat behind them on their journey.   These swords often represent old thoughts and mindsets, past experiences and old lessons that the person on the journey is carrying with them into the future.

The tips of these swords are down, embedded in the bottom of the boat…. a type of craft you don’t really want to have holes in it.  To me, this often means that these thoughts and mindsets from the past that the individual is bringing with them on this journey to new horizons are not of a positive nature.   They are the thoughts and mindsets of the past and are a detriment to progress on this journey.

I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately where the theme of the dreams is my victimization.  They do not specifically have G in them, or G’s friend for that matter, but the feelings within the dream are very similar even if the subject matter is not.   From these dreams I have been involuntarily carrying into waking hours a sense of anxiety and negativity.

Today’s draw of the Six of Swords is telling me to let go of my swords and cast them overboard… before they sink my boat.   Don’t ignore the negativity that is dug up by the dreams, but deal with it and discard it.


Instinct vs Intuition

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was focused on working on the inner self.  It discussed how society is so focused upon the external progress, that we often forget about working on our inner selves where our emotions, instincts, and sense of self lives.

To me, this related to the importance of shadow work, and the necessity of knowing yourself.  Not just the parts of yourself you want to know or accept, or believe that others will accept… but knowing your whole self, including those dark and secret parts you don’t want to acknowledge or admit to.

Today’s draw is the Two of Swords, which is a representation of duality, division, and choices in the area of intellect, the mind, logic, communication, and instinct.   It is a card that deals with making choices, and trusting your perceptions and instincts (as opposed to intuition) to choose the path that is right for you.


Instinct and intuition are often confused with each other, perhaps because they both speak from a very similar place (your gut).   Instinct indicates that your subconscious is gathering outside data and steering you in relation to that data and one’s genetic dispositions.  Intuition is more esoteric.  It is the “just knowing” that sparks regardless of external input, instead of because of it.

Or, at least, that was how it was explained to me.

Because most people feel both of these through their “gut” or solar plexus, they are easily confused and intermeshed together, and I am no different.   In truth, I don’t care which is which when I feel it in the moment.  I only care that I felt it and react accordingly.   Later on, though, I (we?) often sit back and pick apart these reactions (if not doing it in the moment already), and even then it can be difficult to discern which was in action at the time.

Oops sorry…. wandered off topic.

The Two of Swords… Instinct and decision making.   A choice.

This card represents when there is a choice present that needs to be made, but the scales are level as to which seems the right one to go with.

The Two of Sword’s appearance in today’s draw is a reminder that when such difficult choices arise, it is important to take in all of the pros and cons of each situation, but JUST as important to listen to your instincts.  Bringing in as much information as possible will assist your inner voice of instinct in having all of the information it needs to steer  you in the right direction.

The key?   Don’t discount that voice when it speaks or disregard what it has to say… no matter how much you may want to at the time.


An Ode to Intuition

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on intuition and the importance of listening to your inner voice, and how when you foster mindfulness through both meditation as well as your life in general, it assists in giving that inner voice a bit of a boost.

This meditation theme goes very well with today’s daily draw.

Today’s draw is the second card in the Major Arcana, the High Priestess.  This card is a representation of intuition, the subconscious, spirituality, and the sacred feminine.  It is a card in the Major Arcana, which deals with one’s spiritual journey and life paths, rather than any one aspect of the human experience.  In this case, it deals with intuition and that inner voice that whispers from the subconscious.

Have you ever noticed that your gut reaction is always right?  I’m not talking about the stuff you’re taught by others, or lessons you’ve learned along the way, or habits you happen to pick up… I’m talking about that gut reaction right at the beginning, before thought even factors in.  That moment… that fraction of a second when your mind and reasoning is not engaged and it’s all about instinct and intuition.

It’s always right.  We might end up disagreeing with it, or second-guessing. But, that combination of instinct and intuition is always right if you listen to it instead of overthinking it or reverting back to preconceive notion‘s and learned ideals.

This is the instance of that internal debate of “should I or shouldn’t I” when your first gut reaction is that you shouldn’t… but, you do it anyway because you want to. Then, later, you wonder why it turned out badly?   Well, you knew in your gut at the start it was a bad idea and you chose to ignore your inner voice.

This is the situation where instinct and intuition tell you to stay away from someone… but you reason to yourself that you are being unfair, or that that feeling is baseless. And then, later on down the road, you learn a painful lesson by getting hurt by them.  Yet if you’d listen to that first instinct and intuition, you’d have either known what was coming and been prepared, or avoided the pain all together.

These initial reactions from your inner voice are a combination of intuition and instinct, and they are often discounted and disregarded by most people. But, the fact is that they can be a useful tool, and the more that you listen to them the more they will flourish and grow.

The High Priestess card speaks of this.  Of listening to those inner voices and allowing them to grow.  To strengthen.  To assist you and guide you along your life’s path.  The more you listen and respect the messages that your instincts and intuition offer up, the more you’ll hear.  As a result, over time, those messages will become clearer, and easier to recognize and understand.



Back to Basics

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and ten seconds, and focused on the uselessness of blame and its origins in anger. It outlined a variety of options and ideas for how to work past that anger that resides at the seat of blame, and redirect ownership of situations to a place of problem resolution rather than stewing and pointing fingers.

Today’s draw is the 5th card in the Major Arcana, the Hierophant. As with all of the Major Arcana, this card deals with personal development and spiritual evolution, rather than any one aspect of the human experience.

The Hierophant is a representation of tradition, institutions, spiritual paths, and teacher/student relationships. The appearance of this card in today’s draw is an indication that it is a good time to consider the traditions, rituals, and practices of my spiritual path, and perhaps do a little research and reach out to a mentor.

I have been very closed off throughout the spring, and I spent a good portion of June focused inward, getting myself back “on track” after my depression came to an end. The Hierophant speaks of turning one’s focus outward in order to either teach or learn, therefore, the card is also a reminder to keep myself open to learning from and/or mentoring others.

Hello Again, My Queen

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on “holding space” for others as a way to support them during times of struggle.  It was about how sometimes, people don’t need you to fix things in their life, they just need you to be there with them.  To share space with them in a quiet way that shows support either by listening, or just by the reassurance of your presence, without “butting in” on their problems.

Today’s draw is the Queen of Swords, which is a representation of a “feminine” alpha energy in the area of thoughts, reason, instinct, and communication.  The card embodies the tenants of truth seeking, independence, unbiased consideration, and clear communication.

I haven’t seen the Queen of Swords in a couple weeks, and was starting to think perhaps I had managed to somehow unwittingly absorb the message she has been trying so hard to teach me for the past year and a half, but… here she is once more, regal and beautiful and daring me to seek and speak the truth in all things.

During the depression, and during the time a few years ago when we “switched places” for a while, I stumble a bit in being honest with myself.  Not just with the expectations that I put on myself, but even with looking at -how- I’m doing.

I bundle myself up into this little ball of awareness, that is so focused on the day to day that I miss the bigger picture.

This activity on the blog here, my daily meditation (that I am still doing religiously every day), and my recent return to a more active path in my spirituality has, in a lot of ways, opened my eyes and my mind to how much of myself has been closed off, one little bit at a time.

Thank you for taking this journey with me, man.  I love you.