private reading

Self Care Saturday (on Sunday)

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As I’ve mentioned before, these readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and are not meant as a predictive reading.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

SCS

Earth – Five of Cups and Snake – The fear and temptation to feel that failure is afoot. This is not surprising to come up at this time of year, as it is the “lull” before the busy season and I am always super worried right before the busy season comes into being. Focusing on self care in this environment means doing my best to enjoy the free time I have while I have it, and doing my best not to “predict” what hasn’t yet come to pass. Don’t let my worries run away with me.

Air – The Magician and Dragon – On the intellectual side of the project I’m planning on working on this week, I have all the tools and knowledge I need to get it done. Now is a fortuitous time to do the work, so get going and do the work while the timing is good.

Water – Six of Cups and Moon – Sometimes taking trips down memory lane is a bad idea. I’ve received this message in some other readings over the past week or two. This is a reminder to stay in the present and let the dead and dying lie in my wake. Don’t stir the waters right now, as I may not like what surfaces if I do.

Fire – The Lovers, Ribbon, and Spider – Plan carefully and lean heavily toward receptive “feminine” energies with my choices this week in relation to my passions and interests.

Moving Away From – Ghost – Stop brewing over regrets and past mistakes. It’s time to look forward rather than over your shoulder. Find the new path instead of ruminating on the one left behind.

Heading Toward – Owl – Thought before action. Make sure you are strategizing instead of just acting on instinct or what seems most appealing in the moment.

Moral of the Story – I have been sort of hesitating and holding back on finishing a project that I started earlier in the fall. I haven’t really understood why I’ve been holding back on it, but I know that part of it had to do with worries about my worth and abilities. This week’s spread indicates that the time is now upon me and I have everything I need to get the project done. I just need to remember to focus on a plan of action with solid strategy behind it and stick to it… and lean to the left.

Decks Used: Deviant Moon Tarot, Mildred Payne’s Pocket Oracle, Halloween Oracle

 

Get Motivated

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Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes, and focused on World Mental Health Day (which is today) and how to be kinder to ourselves, especially when you have mental health problems.

It discussed why people try to hide their mental health illness because of the concern for being rejected by others and be shamed for this weakness.  It addressed seeking acceptance in ourselves for the issues that we have to deal with, in the same way you find acceptance for when you have a cold, or diabetes, or any other medical issue.

The guided meditation encouraged the listener to challenge their self judgements and find a path to a better acceptance of the self and your own personal struggles.

This is something that I had to struggle with early in life.  In fact, I had undiagnosed depression as far back as my early teens or perhaps even earlier than that.  When Z realized what was going on, she advocated with me to my parents, pushing them to allow me to seek treatment, but it wasn’t until I was emancipated at the age of sixteen that I had the freedom to do so for myself.   In my family, mental illness was treated as something to be ashamed of.  A fatal flaw even worse than being gay (which was my father’s main issue with me from childhood on in life).

By accepting that I needed help and going to GET that help, it was clearly understood that I was not just casting shame upon myself, but upon my family as a whole.  Obviously, this is NOT something that bothered me as much as it might have, because I was so far down that rabbit hole with my sexual preferences and independence by that point that what was one more log on the fire, right?   Still, the shame -did- ride me for quite a long time.  Especially the shame of needing medication.

It wasn’t until I found a medication that took away my suicidal thoughts and urges that this shame began to lift.  Because… how can you argue with that benefit, right?  Now, when I see judgement, I advocate.  And I hope that others will learn, as I did, that it’s okay to need a little help.

Halloween Tarot Today’s draw is another double without a jumper, which means that they both came out of the deck together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Emperor card of the Major Arcana, and the King of Bats (Swords).

I know what it’s saying, and I’m just SO resistant to it today.   Silly, I know.  But there you have it.

The message in today’s cards is to “Be the Boss”.   In other words, do your work, do the responsible thing, take charge and get your shit done.   I know it’s supposed to be an energizing and empowering message, but all I really feel like doing today is loafing off.

Unfortunately, that is a luxury for another day if i want to ship out orders tomorrow (which I very much do need and want to do that).

Traditional meanings for the Emperor include dominance and authority, structure, and a projective alpha energy that is instilled into the “big picture”, rather than into one specific aspect of the human experience.

Traditional representation for the King of Bats (Swords) are on the theme of a projective alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of the mind, thought, intellect, communication, and instinct.  This includes themes surrounding mental clarity and intellectual power, as well as (you guessed it) dominance and authority.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  I’m definitely going to try to do the bonus readings every day (or near to it) for the rest of this month.

Question: How can I more fully love and accept myself?

Tarot of Haunted House Reading Summary: Set the spark (Ace of Wands) and carry that spark forward (Knight of Wands) into the things that interest and challenge you (King of Swords).  Sometimes it’s okay to need to be alone (intuitive hit off the imagery in the Three of Cups).

Take Away: If I want to more fully love and accept myself, I need to not just respect and take note of those inner sparks of ambition and inspiration, but go after them.  And not just the easy ones, but the ones that really make me work for that sense of accomplishment. Most of the time, these types of projects, aspirations, and ideas require buckling down and focus, which is not something I can do in the company of others.  Alone time is valuable in these pursuits, IF I use it productively.

TL:DR?  Stop using alone time to loaf off, and instead use that time to get to work on the things that spark my ambition and challenge my intellect.

Deck Used: Tarot of Haunted House

Making Choices and New Perspectives

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes, and focused on the difference between love and selfishness.  That is to say, when you make decisions on how you act and the things you say with your loved ones…. are these things spurred by love?  Or are they spurred by selfishness?

One of the examples given is in a situation where your partner has the opportunity to advance their career, but to do so they need to go into a course that takes them away from home for two months.   Do you tell them not to go because you feel the need to cling onto them?   Or do you support the choice that is best for them (which would be to go and do the course)?

If its the first, then you are making a choice based on selfishness, rather than love.

I think that this is a line that a LOT of people need help in discerning.  I don’t think that I’m one of those that has this problem personally, but I have seen a lot of people that cross that line again and again, and never have a clue that their doing it.

Dark Mansion TarotToday’s draw is a double without a jumper, which is to say that they both fell out of the deck together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Lovers card and the Page of Wands.

Sometimes you have to make a choice.

The Page of Wands is all about potential and inspiration.  This is something that I have in spades a good amount of the time.  There’s always new ideas swimming in my head, and on the converse, there are times when self limiting beliefs about myself or others can be struggle for me.

The Lovers overlap this card (it is on top) which expresses that on the whole, to make these potential inspirations and aspirations come to life requires making a choice.  I can’t do them all.  I can’t accomplish everything at once, and sometimes bad ideas are just bad ideas.

Together, these cards are about the importance of making choices about where I place my energy.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  I’m definitely going to try to do the bonus readings every day (or near to it) for the rest of this month.

Question: Where may my growth benefit from external assistance?

Zombie Tarot Reading Summary:  The Five of Swords is all about conflict, disagreements, and competition.  The Three of Cups, on the other hand, is about coming together and cooperation.  The Seven of Swords is along the same theme as the Five, in that it deals with deception and betrayal.   All three of these cards are cards that deal with interaction with others.

Take Away:  I have a deep seated need to understand how others think, and to see their perspectives. Sometimes, though, I have a hard time understanding other people’s motives, especially in times when conflict and deception are involved.  And especially in these situations?  I feel that need even more strongly.  I want to understand, sometimes with great desperation when I can’t get there on my own.

At these times, I often need those closest to help me in expanding my own perspectives and perceptions enough to see things from the person’s view and better understand this other person’s motivations and perspectives.

Deck Used: Zombie Tarot

Sometimes You Have to Just Take a Breath

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on being persistent in your meditation practice, because it is the journey  that makes the practice good (and good for you), not the destination.

That is to say that there is no ‘end goal’ to meditation.   It is, by definition, a practice.  Something you practice.  There are no experts, there is no perfection.

Each day is a new day and another step on the path.  If you make the time to do it… if you sit down and do it, then that’s all that is needed to succeed in the day’s meditation.  It’s not an activity of rating your performance, but instead an activity where you get an “A” for participation… end of story.

Nine of Pumpkins Today’s draw is the Nine of Pumpkins (Pentacles) which is a representation of fruition and fulfillment, culmination and consequences in the area of finances, resources, manifestation, and the physical world.

This is an abundance card, absolutely.  But honestly?  I’ve not been feeling all that abundant today.   I’ve felt stressed and irked and a bit overwhelmed by the bullshit that I talked to you about in chat just briefly earlier concerning that whole seller harassment issue.

So yeah.

The message, though, is in the resting of the woman’s hand upon the pumpkin.  I really wanted to spend some time in nature today, but travel and specifically traffic just really didn’t allow for the extra time needed to do that.

So maybe what the card is trying to tell me is that everything is going to be alright, yeah?  Because I sure as hell don’t feel like things are falling together, or particularly abundant.    Honestly?  I’ve waffled between feeling sickly and feeling irked for most of the day, and at the moment I feel like crying like a two year old and hiding my head under a pillow.

UGH… damnit!   Right.

Positive message in the Nine of Pumpkins.  *Taking a deep breath.*

The positive message in today’s draw is that even when feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts, there are always things to be grateful for.   So perhaps what I need is to do a bit of gratitude practice.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  As mentioned before, I might try to do the bonus reading every day (or near to it) for this month.

Question: Where may I benefit from more structure?

Bonus Tarot ReadingReading Summary: Fumbling in the dark (The Moon) with concerns to emotional stability (Four of Cups).  Collaborating with others (Three of Pentacles). Arriving at the end of the line concerning thought and ambition (King of Wands and King of Swords).

Take Away:   I’m a bit topsy-turvy today when it comes to my emotions, so I’m not surprised that the Moon came up in relation to emotional stability.  With the shift we just did between top space and bottom, this shift and that sensation of being lost in the dark is something that comes with the territory.

With the Kings on the right, I feel it’s speaking of being at the end of a journey and needing to move on to the next steps.  Ambition and ideas are all well and good, but they can only go so far until you move into manifestation.

Between these two concepts is the collaboration card, the Three of Pentacles.   This indicates to me that both situations require collaboration in order to find that stability and structure needed to move forward, both emotionally, as well as with ideas and ambitions that have been brewing for a while in the back of my mind.

Deck Used: Anne Stoke’s Gothic Tarot