#marchintodarkness

A Glimmer of Imagination

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I fell asleep and took a nap instead.  Not that I meant to, but that’s what ended up happening.

Tarot Art Nouveau and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Ace of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of the seed of new beginnings in the area of one’s intellect, logic, thought, and communication. This can often present in themes that have to do with new ideas, new was of communicating with others, new educational pursuits, etc.

In the imagery here, a man falls from the sky as the night looks on and watches him fall.  Wind swirls wildly about and perhaps it will pick the man that falls up and toss him around like a kite, giving him a chance to fly instead of plummet to the earth.

Sometimes new ideas need a bit of imagination mixed in to make them just right, and that’s the message I get from the imagery in this card today. Combined with the Thera-Pets card, this is a reminder that although I may not be feeling particularly imaginative or inventive at the moment, just a little glimmer of imagination showing through now and then is enough.  It’s still progress out of the pit… and even the smallest progress will keep me from becoming stagnant in my recovery.

DECK USED:  TAROT ART NOUVEAU AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Marching Into Darkness Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: Thinking back to times when I had a good thing but self-sabotaged, what kept me from embracing & enjoying these times?

Tarot of the Sevenfold Mystery

Reading Summary: Thinking that I can handle (Hermes – The Magician) much more than I can, and ending up juggling (Two of Pentacles) too much, then having to cut back when things get out of hand (Eight of Wands).

Take Away:  This is about my tendency to overfill my plate with responsibilities, when I am feeling good and in control.  Then something happens that leaves me having to cut back on things, drop the ball on others, etc. This tendency creates a cycle of self sabotage where I end up with a crapload of things unfinished and piling up in the background, or abandoned entirely.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE SEVENFOLD MYSTERY

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What makes me unique?

Tarot Art NouveauReading Summary: Taking my mothers influence (Three of Swords) and the qualities that I share with her (Queen of Swords Rx), and turning into into something positive (Nine of Pentacles).

Take Away: I would say that this is not the only thing that makes me unique, but rather is one of a variety of different things.   The thing is though, that this specific example does outline a quality of independence that I have always possessed.

I do things my way and make them work for me, and turn them into something positive that I can look back on and be grateful for.  I do this again and again, using my disappointment in my mother to take the qualities I share with her and turn them into something better.

DECK USED:  TAROT ART NOUVEAU

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How am I blocking my intuition?

Tarot of the Sevenfold Mystery

Reading Summary: You spend too much time worrying about becoming your mother, and not enough time spent grounding.

Take Away:  This is funny because the cards also mentioned this exact topic above in the previous reading. It’s about spending too much time focusing on uncertainty and instability, though.  It’s about making sure that I focus on making sure my own life is stable and secure instead of worrying about what has been left behind. That energy could be placed elsewhere to better use.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE SEVENFOLD MYSTERY

Daily Self Kindness

I napped.  Okay so I nap a few times a week but this was a really good nap. And earlier than normal, so I also got to spend extra time with Gideon as well.

An Essential Presence

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IMG_9703Today’s meditation was just over nineteen minutes long and was the next installment of the Meditation Mantra course being offered on the Oak app. The meditation began today with a bit of visualization first to help in times when getting into meditation can be a bit of a struggle.  I didn’t really enjoy the visualization part all that much, but I did find the rest of the meditation very relaxing and it continues to appear that the longer meditations I’ve been doing over the past week are something  respond better to.

Gregory Scott Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Ten of Pentacles, which is about moving beyond being content and satisfied in the area of one’s finances, manifestations, and physical world and moving on to sharing that good fortune with those closest to you so that it becomes something all can relish in and enjoy.

The family portrait aspect of this card is very original and interesting to me, and in the center you see the strength of the man who shares his wealth with his family.  This… is me. The safety and security I have made in my home life, financial life, and comfort I’ve built is shared with my sister and with Z.  Under my roof, they are also secure and cared for, comfortable and feel safe.  It is my role in this home to be the one that creates this… that earns this… and sustains it.

That theme ties in strongly with the Thera-Pets card for today, as it too speaks of how my presence matters, and the message here today is to remember not to take for granted that I matter to others.  I matter to them emotionally, and also on the physical plane.

DECK USED:  GREGORY SCOTT TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Marching Into Darkness Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: What unhealthy habits am I holding onto that hinder my growth and progress towards my goals?

Whimsical Tarot

Reading Summary:  The unhealthy habits in question aren’t thoughtlessly done, but rather they are done through making bad choices.  Bad… and conscious choices (The Lovers Rx).   This bad and conscious choice lies within my denial (Four of Cups) and my refusal to allow others to help (Three of Pentacles Rx).

Take Away:  This is about my depression and how my initial reaction is to pretend to the world like everything is fine when it’s really not, and refusal to allow others in to help me in my responsibilities.  Although I am working on this, I did briefly fall into that habit again with this last MDE.  I realized it, and eventually fought against it and forced myself to do things in a more healthy (and open) way.  It might be that this unhealthy habit is something that only repeated practice can truly break me of, but you’ll have to forgive me if I’d rather put off the next MDE for as long as I possibly can.

DECK USED:  WHIMSICAL TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: How can I improve upon where I am mentally over the week ahead?

Gregory Scott TarotReading Summary:  Focus on the good and what makes you happy (Ten of Cups) instead of on your depression (Three of Swords).  Let go of your worries and anxiety (Nine of Swords).

Take Away: Worries and anxiety have been the theme of the past few days as I prepared for this whole border crossing thing.  The thing is that I used to do this all the time yeah? But I haven’t crossed in a year now, and with Covid there’s so many restrictions and extra paperwork and policies and… god it’s just hugely stressful.

The cards here also indicate that it’s now time to let go of the darkness of my depression. allow it to fade into the background as the light becomes brighter the higher out of the pit  I manage to climb. It has been my focus for a long time, self monitoring my progress and making sure I’m still moving and not stagnant.  The cards here indicate that is no longer necessary and to focus more fully on the light now instead of what I’m leaving behind.

DECK USED:  GREGORY SCOTT TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I wanted to skip my meditation today and get on the road, but I made myself do it because I knew it would help my anxiety about crossing the border.

Encouragement With a Touch of Sarcasm

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Today’s meditation was another in the series of courses on the Oak app for mantra meditation.  This one was just over eighteen minutes long and incorporated a bit more time in silence than in listening to the guide talk and instruct.  I found it very relaxing, although I have to admit I kind of miss my little water drops music.  I might try to incorporate that music with this type of meditation once I’m done with the course.

Denizens of Earth TarotToday’s draw is the Ace of Pentacles (One of Earth) which is traditionally a representation of the seed of new beginnings and new opportunities in the area of one’s finances, resources, home life, health, manifestations, or the physical world.

Sinapis Alpa (white mustard seeds) is often used in spellcraft for the protection of home and family against danger and the decrease of affection, as well as in healing the effects of discord in the home or between family members.

I really didn’t want to work to day.  Like…. really. Really didn’t feel it at all. But, I had to, because I have to ship out tomorrow and if I have nothing to ship out, then I have slew of unhappy people to answer to, yeah?  So… yeah.   And throughout the entire day my interest in working just got worse and worse.

The answer in these cards today is a little bit honest assessment, a little bit sarcasm, and a little bit sincere encouragement.   First of all, as if not wanting to work today is really any sort of hardship at all.  Right?  It’s just a mood.  There’s the sarcasm.

Second is the encouragement to get it done,  do what needs done because there are others that depend on you.  Without you doing your work? There’s no money.  And no money means no food, no heat, no roof.  So of course, practically thinking, whether you want to work or not, it’s not the end of the world that it has to be done.

The third is the encouragement about my nervousness in crossing the border to see my accountant tomorrow.  There’s a lot of stress and anxiety going on there and I just hope to fuck that I got all my paperwork done right and don’t have to deal with any customs officials having a bad fucking day.

DECK USED:  DENIZENS OF EARTH TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: Where am I at mentally at this time?

Denizens of Earth TarotSix of Air (Swords) – Chamaenerion angustifolium (Fireweed) has significant anti-inflammatory properties that are useful in a variety of field uses from easing gastrointestinal discomforts to first aid treatment on scrapes and bruises and even certain types of arthritis.  Here we see that it is combined with the Six of Swords, indicating that the aspect of my current mental state that this card is referencing has to do with the “inflammation” of stress that has been bothering me the last couple of days as I prepare for this upcoming border crossing.

Guardian of Water (Knight of Cups) atop Four of Water (Cups) – The powerful precision and strong will of the Great White combine with the desire driven direction of the Knight of Cups over shadows the healing and cleansing energy of Salvia officinalis (common sage) shown here with the Four of Water indicating healing comes through meditation and calm rather than excitability.  These cards contrast in their themes and indicate the war within me at this time between my need to meditate, ground, and cleans myself of the anxiety mentioned above… and the determination to move forward in the direction I want to go… feel that I need to go.

Temperance – Although the two energies mentioned above are contrasting to each other, they are also able to work together to my benefit.  Driven energy and healing calm can intertwine like the working of mind and heart as one, and create something even greater than either can on their own.  Take a moment, think and breathe, and allow this intermingling to happen.  In doing so, I will find a far calmer and more beneficial mindset moving forward.

DECK USED:  DENIZENS OF EARTH TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I took some time at the farm this morning to lie down in the field and just relax after my shift was over.  Of course, I made sure that I was in a field that was not being worked for that day (safety is important).  I made sure I wore extra layers so that I could linger for some time and ended up spending about a half an hour before I was too cold to stay any longer.

Even the Strongest Pace Themselves

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Today’s meditation was skipped as the girls just would NOT let me have some time alone to get it done. I may try to do a ten minute shortie before bed though.

Lazy Crow Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the King of Pentacles, which is a representation of a projective alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s finances, resources, home life, health, manifestations, and the physical world.  This often translates into themes about taking charge of one’s finances, responsibilities that come with wealth, and stepping in as the head of the household.

What really stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is the grapes and the skulls.  It’s not surprising that the card would contain thriving grapes winding their way through the imagery as this card is a strong indication of growth, maturity, and abundance.  The skulls were a bit more of a surprise though, and together they give the impression of hardass ruthlessness to me. The whole “my way or the highway, or heads will roll” sort of thing.

When combined with the Thera-Pets card for today, the message that I find in these cards is that sometimes you have to straighten your spine and take control even when, perhaps, it isn’t what you’d prefer to do.  In those times, it’s still okay to do your best, but not over tax and overwhelm yourself to the breaking point.  Even leaders need to breath and even the strongest authorities can’t wring blood from a stone.

Do what you can, and it will be enough.  The only authority you have to impress is yourself.  So lower your expectations to a realistic level and interject a bit more understanding into that push for more.

DECK USED:  LAZY CROW TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Marching Into Darkness Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: How do I allow the negative thoughts or words of others to affect me? How might I change my reactions to that?

Paulina Tarot

How do I allow the negative thoughts of others to affect me?
Eight of Pentacles

The Eight of Pentacles here is a reminder that you have been working with this particular issue with your therapist ever since your face was scarred.  You are not psychic and cannot read minds, thus the issue here is “mind reading” of the psychotherapy variety.  When you were first scarred, you did a great deal of this, interjecting your feelings about how you felt concerning your appearance into what you believed others thought of you when they saw your face.  After many years of working with your therapist on this issue, it is no longer a huge issue.  You know how to deal with it when it rises up, and have become an “old hand” in this area at making sure that you do not assume what others are thinking about you, often by asking outright when needed.

How do I allow the negative words of others to affect me?
Five of Cups atop The Emperor

This, unlike perceived thoughts, is something more solid and can affect you in a negative way when you let it. The key words there (as indicated by the Emperor) are “when you let it”.  Sometimes people’s negative words don’t affect you at all, at other times they do. This is about how strong and in control of yourself that you feel in the moment, but has nothing to do with them at all.  When you are feeling vulnerable, people’s negative words can affect you intensely and cause hurt feelings, melancholy, and dissatisfaction. When you are feeling strong, on the other hand, they don’t affect you at all other than in an analytical “examination of if there’s truly an issue” sort of way.

How can I adjust my reactions to something more healthy?
Death atop Two of Pentacles

The horses here in these two cards combined with the mutual direction they face indicate movement forward into the future.   The death card is a reminder that all things change with time, whereas the Two of Pentacles beneath it indicate that you have the ability to control certain aspects of your life throughout the process of those slow shifting changes and direct your energy how you wish.  The message here is to “keep on keeping on” and allow the feelings stirred up from negative words to slide off into the past as you continue forward into the future.  Leave them behind and keep going, as it is not their judgements you need to worry about.

DECK USED:  PAULINA TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question: Is patience and inherent virtue, or is it learned behavior?

Lazy Crow TarotReading Summary: Patience is used in order to get what we want (Knight of Cups), seize control of our lives (The Chariot), or wait out the impetuousness of others (Five of Wands).

Take Away: Patience is not something we are born with but something we learn.  It is a method of behavior that is learned in order to mold the world around us into something more in line with what we want out of life. Some learn through experience that being brash and loud and impatient gives them what they desire.

Others learn that patience has the rewards they want without the need for conflict and chaos.  This is something learned through experience and observation of others.  Thus, patience is not something we are born with, but is learned behavior.

DECK USED:  LAZY CROW TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I dusted off the coffee table, which is much more of an endeavor than you might think because my coffee table is about the size of a small dining room table and it’s filled with decks and jewelry making supplies as well as an adhesive workstation, etc.  So there’s a lot of organizing and shuffling stuff around involved in the process.   The dust there has been bugging me for a while tho, and no one else will touch it because they fear relocating something I need and then won’t be able to find when I need it.

Tea Time… Worldwide

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IMG_9537Today’s meditation was just under nineteen minutes long and was the next installment of the mantra meditation series that I have been following along with in the Oak app.

The meditation was very relaxing and I’m starting to suspect that the reason I’m struggling with my meditation so often in the past is because I’m not doing it for long enough.  Ten minutes might be more viable as far as time and scheduling goes, but I feel like I’m getting more out of the longer meditations that I’ve been doing over the past few days.  You wouldn’t think that the addition of just five or ten minutes would make that much of a difference, and yet it feels like there is a definite benefit and increase in quality to the longer meditations than my shorter ten minute ones.

Tarot of Mystical Moments and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Six of Pentacles, which is traditionally a representation of generosity, sharing, and leveling out the scales between the “haves” and the “have nots” through the process of giving and receiving.

For the longest time when I was young, I didn’t like tea. I didn’t drink it and I thought it was nasty. ALL tea. It didn’t matter if you added sugar, honey, sweetener, etc. And god forbid lemon (as I’m allergic to lemons). It didn’t matter if it was hot or cold, herbal or black. I didn’t like it.

This was long lamented by both of my parents, who said that everyone drinks tea… all around the world. When I see this card, I am reminded of my mother’s words as she insisted that tea is the common denominator between races and creeds. (Of course her words ended with, “so why should you, just a little boy, go against the world’s equality?”)

In a way, they were right. Although everyone around the world does not drink tea, there is a significant swath of those that do that go beyond countries and borders, continents and ideologies. There are tea drinkers in (nearly) every culture on earth and I would (without having any real research on this) be willing to venture that other than water, it’s the most consumed beverage in the world and has been for hundreds of years (or more).

In time (in my 20’s) I learned to enjoy tea, although I only drink herbal teas and avoid anything with caffeine. In fact, I drink tea every morning along with my first meal of the day. And what I see in the message of this card, combined with the Thera-Pets card for the day has to do with how long it took me to actually appreciate tea.

No matter how much pushing and shoving, begging or insisting my parents did? Back when I was a child I had absolutely no taste for it. I didn’t like it (or any hot beverage, for that matter). But in time, in the future, I eventually found my way to it at my own pace in my own way.

Don’t worry if you can’t get into whatever it is you (or others) think you should get into or get done today. If it’s meant to be? You’ll get it done when the time is right. It’s okay if it’s not right this moment.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF MYSTICAL MOMENTS AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can better I listen to my inner voice?

The Shimmering Veil Tarot

Reading Summary:  Painful moments (Three of Swords) are new opportunities (Ace of Pentacles) just waiting for you to reach out and take advantage of them (Strength).

Take Away:  The thing about painful moments?  Is that it is in those moments that opportunities are born. The problem is that we’re so distracted by the pain that we miss the opportunity entirely.  Later on we may look back and go “damn, I wish I’d handled all that differently” but in the moment? It can be hard to see that we’re being handed an opportunity for something new to emerge in our lives.

To increase my intuitive abilities and begin to hear that inner voice more clearly, the cards indicate that I need to remember the above about those moments and begin looking for those opportunities.  Don’t get so focused on the pain that I end up forgetting to keep my eyes open and let an awareness of what is being offered pass me by.

DECK USED:  THE SHIMMERING VEIL TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What can I do to encourage that arrival? (Built off of yesterday’s read.)

Tarot of Mystical MomentsReading Summary: Think over your options before you make a decision (Two of Swords). Take control of your motivation and your inspiration and use them to create forward motion (King of Wands). Lean into what’s familiar and allow it to not just guide you but lift you up when you need a little extra boost (Six of Cups).

Take Away: Yesterday’s reading was about making clever, intelligent, cunning, strategic, good choices that then create fertile soil for good things to grow from. The advice today on how to encourage this outcome is that I need to really take time to think through what I’m doing and stay focused on the direction I want things to go in while I do so.

There is a correlation between the first card and the third card through atmosphere and color that also speaks of needing to keep an optimistic outlook while I mull over these decisions, and allow what is familiar in my life (my values and moral compass) to guide me when I’m feeling torn or confused.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF MYSTICAL MOMENTS

Daily Self Kindness

I went back to the store a second time when I realized that I’d forgotten to buy Imodium.  I think this counts because I really didn’t want to go back and considered just saying “fuck it” and suffering with the stomach ache instead of returning to the store again.

Equilibrium Adjustments

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Today’s meditation was just over eighteen minutes, and was another of the installments of the mantra meditations.  It was much the same as the others, but a bit longer.  At the end of it, it spoke on the different “stages” or “levels” you fall into when you meditate and I found this really interesting.  I think that the majority of my meditations are too short to experience much variety in this, but I have noticed that with these longer meditations I’m doing currently that they do seem to feel a bit different.

Architect's Tarot and Thera-Pet Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Death card which is traditionally a representation of organic changes that happen gradually over time.  This is not the “tear it down brick by brick in one destructive moment of chaos” that the Tower represents, but rather it’s about the gradual shifts that happen naturally in the world.

I really like the Eischer-esque feel of this card with the open walkway and the figure of a person sitting inverted upon it. It gives everything a slightly surreal quality that is a reflection of how odd things can feel when you realize a change has been coming and is now upon you.

Combined with the Thera-Pets card for today, what I see here is a reminder that feeling out of place and uncomfortable is a part of change and not a sign that you’re screwing up.  Change can often be uncomfortable and awkward, it can often feel like a struggle to deal with and adjust to… these aren’t signs of your failure but rather they are “growing pains” as you adapt to a new reality different from the one that you’re used to.  These feelings are natural and fade as you become used to the changes and the newness of them wears off.

DECK USED:  ARCHITECT’S TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

LionHart’s Whispering Woods Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: What energy am I invited to work with throughout March?

A Siren's Melody Tarot

 Reading Summary: Remember not to overwhelm yourself (Ten of Wands) with work and that perfectionist attitude of yours (Eight of Pentacles) when there are other better and healthier choices available to you (Seven of Cups).

Take Away:   Bad habits have a way of sneaking up and biting me in the ass when I try to shed them, and this is one that’s sure to take a bite more than once as I work through finding a better balance between work and self care. I am being invited to make sure I keep my eyes open for this to rise up over the next month, and be diligent (and wise) enough to catch it when it does and make healthier choices instead.

DECK USED:  A SIREN’S MELODY TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMar2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What good thing is ready to come into bloom in my life with the arrival of spring?

Architect's TarotReading Summary: If I’m clever with my time and efforts (Seven of Swords), I can tip the scales in my favor so that what I want to continue to grow will do so (Justice).  It might not be the speedy growth I crave, but slow growth is better than no growth at all (Seven of Pentacles).

Take Away: The message here is that when you make good choices, good things will grow from those choices…. So make good choices. Clever, intelligent, cunning, strategic good choices.

This reading echoes back to the warning that was buried within my month’s end reading done earlier this morning.  That reading spoke of temptation to act out of character in order to get what I want, and thus triggering repercussions as a result.  Here we see that the prize for staying on track is making choices that are clever and beneficial, while remaining in line with my personal values, is slow but positive growth.

DECK USED:  ARCHITECT’S TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I took a break from work to chill in IMs with Gideon and watch him open his (belated) birthday gifts.