The Spill

IMG_3410Today’s meditation was just under ten minutes long and focused upon finding your inner “home” within yourself.

The meditation reminded me of when I was little and when things were especially rough with my father and the man would make me cry or feel especially miserable, how I would curl into myself and had this mantra in my head that played over and over.

“I want to go home.”

The thing is?  I was home.  And yet those are the words that would repeat again and again when I was at the peak of being worked up and upset and crying.   “I want to go home. I want to go home.”

I didn’t understand what this really was about until a few years ago, when I realized that I no longer long for some illusive “home” and when I get upset I do not reach for some place else.  I reach for you.  I reach for myself.  I take comfort in these things and in the trees and the woods and the soil.

I found my home, even though I didn’t even realize I was looking for it.

Six of Brine - Six of Cups - Stolen Chlid TarotToday’s draw is the Six of Brine (aka Six of Cups) which is traditionally a representation of the feelings that emerge and bonds that form through history, memory, and reminiscing on the past.

What I see in this card today has nothing to do with traditional definitions, though.  It has to do with having an open heart instead of closing yourself off.  It has to do with vulnerability and the sharing of not just hopes and dreams but also one’s struggles and burdens.   I see this in the eruption of water from within the chest of the center figure.  That eruption turns into a maelstrom of emotion shared with all of the animals in the periphery.

The message here is that I need to let my vulnerability spill out.  I’m in subdrop and holding in those emotions and sensations is not going to help me get through this any faster or easier.  I need to allow myself to spill out and make a mess (with you, of course… not with everyone) so that I can breathe easy once more.


#TarotForGrowthApril Challenge Prompt
: How can I continue that change towards the positive? (built off yesterday’s cards)

Lilli White Tarot

Reading Summary: Allow myself to jump over hurdles rather than focusing upon them (Eight of Wands).  Look forward and focus on your work (Eight of Pentacles), allow your inner strength to support you in these endeavors (Strength) and, when you need to take a little time for yourself?  Do it (The Hermit).

Take Away:  It’s okay to not feel guilty about needing a little alone time, especially when I’m being exposed to constant contact with others on a continuous basis with no end in sight for the moment.   I need a little bit of alone time to stay healthy both mentally and emotionally.  That’s okay.  The fox speaks of taking a leap over hurdles.  He moves forward, bounding over what lies in his path instead of focusing upon it and letting it get in the way.   The bee and the lion show me where my strengths lie, and where my focus is best spent.  Work on what I’m good at and creates a sense of well-being and progress… leave the rest for now.


#DiscordTarotholicsApr2020 Challenge Prompt
: Trolley Problem… Do you divert the course of nature and let one person die to save five strangers? Or let nature take its course and let five people die?

Maruco Animal TarotReading Summary: Despair no matter the choice (Five of Pentacles), followed by taking a moment to calm (Temperance), and then a moment of weighing choices to see if there is a way to save them all (Seven of Wands).  And then concede to my practical nature (King of Pentacles), shutting off my emotions (Four of Cups).

Take Away:  I pull the lever.  By a purely mathematical standpoint, the loss of one is better than the loss of five.  Thus, I would mitigate the damage by pulling the lever to divert the train away from the five and toward the one.

I found it interesting that the cards chose to take me through a tour of my mental and emotional reactions, prior to bearing down to the point.   This deck in particular seems to like to do that “in depth meandering” before getting down to the point.

Just as a side note… I posed this question as being that all six of those involved were strangers. It changes the balance if there’s someone I know and care about involved. I’m okay with that possibly making me a horrible person.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
: What makes me feel confident?

Considerate Cat Tarot

Reading Summary:  The knowledge that no matter the choices set before me (Seven of Cups) or the history I had to overcome (Six of Cups)…. the end comes eventually (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  My confidence in life comes from the fact that I have survived so much and I accept that pain is a part of life.  Each struggle and trial I go through, I know will come to an end eventually.  It might hurt to get there.  I might get knocked on my ass and battered and bloody along the way.  But eventually, the end will come and I’ll have a chance to pick my ass up and move forward from it, stronger for what I’ve survived and prepared to take what I’ve learned into the future and use that knowledge to do better.


#MidnightTarotChallenge Prompt
Question: What holds me back from reaching my fullest potential?


Reading Summary: Sometimes I get distracted by what looks like the perfect solution (The World) when really it’s a false promise that (The Devil), when discovered, can send me into an emotional slump (Five of Cups).

Take Away:  I think this is probably true for everyone.  It’s that “grass is always greener” feeling or the “fear of missing out” feeling.  We all become distracted in this way from time to time.  The problem is with how I react to that distraction once I realize its foolishness.   Instead of accepting the setback and moving forward, my emotions get involved and I become down on myself and my choices.  That self abuse leads to a slow slide into a negativity pit that just ends up setting me back even further.