Emotions

Choices… and Perspective

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I may have stumbled upon one of the new perspectives that my Self Care Saturday spread from earlier this week was referring to while I was in the shower last evening.

Fish

Sometimes in my mind I gripe about the shit I don’t like… as I’m sure most people do.  You know… not the people per se, but like the soft water in this house that has a weird taste and makes it fucking impossible to rinse all the conditioner out of my hair.

And then my mind kind of wandered on to thinking about my shower at home, which has much harder water and you come out of it feeling much cleaner.  And in the middle of this thought, I had a memory of when my aunt and cousin came to visit MY home for a while and how she had complained about my water being too hard.

And that got me to thinking…

Would I rather have her (or them) visiting my home?

Or would I rather be a guest in her home?

Her home.  Hands down, 100% completely her home.  That’s the answer.  I don’t like them in my home.  I don’t like any of them in my home. I don’t like them touching my stuff, putting ass prints on my furniture in odd places, or mingling their scents into the familiar scent of my home. I don’t like their energy mucking up my space, their dirty dishes, or their constant disturbances, or the need to feed them or entertain them.  I hate it.  All of it. I really do.

If coming here now and again keeps them from coming to my house?  It’s worth the discomfort.   Absolute, completely worth every little shred of the discomfort of being here.

And that is an entirely new perspective on visiting family that I hadn’t thought of before. So there you go… there really is gold at the end of the rainbow, you just have to dig in the mud to find it.

Reassuring Stability

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Today’s meditation was not guided or timed, and incorporated deep beating exercises with a mindful focus on the breath.

Today’s draw is the King of Pentacles, which represents a solid, fatherly energy, personality, or person in the area of money, resources, and the physical world.

Although the King of Pentacles is a strong alpha energy, it is the kind of energy that provides comfort and stability.

The King of Pentacles came to me this morning to reassure me. I go into surgery today, which is a bit stressful. His appearance is here today to tell me everything is going to be okay.

Don’t Get Sucked Into the Whirlpool

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and fourteen seconds, and focused on the environment, and how we can care for the environment by focusing on the now and what we do in the present in order to foster a better future.

Oh look! It’s me. It’s funny because the original Rider/Waite/Smith artwork for this card has a woman sitting up in bed with the nine swords stacked on the wall, but her face is resting in her hands. The depiction in the deck, on the other hand, is a woman holding her head in her hands like she has a headache. And, that is exactly how I woke up this morning.

The Nine of Swords Is a representation of fruition and consequences In the area of the thoughts, communication, instinct, and logic.

I believe this ties into The Moon card from yesterday, and this cards aspect of consequences, as the Nine of Swords often indicates that you are letting your worries and anxieties get the best of you and cloud your judgment.

Yesterday’s card (The Moon) warned about taking action without seeing the full picture. Here today we have the Nine of Swords indicating that I don’t have the full picture, as well as pointing out to me that I am stressing out and worrying… and that as a result, I am creating a sense within myself of being overwhelmed.

This card message is to remind me that I need to take a breath. I need to sit back and separate my worries from the facts, and move forward only once I have the correct research in place.

Never having had high cholesterol before, this is a dietary issue I’ve never had to deal with. This means that I have quite a bit of research to accomplish in order to get back on the right track. With my surgery coming up tomorrow and my orders due to go out on Friday, this doesn’t leave me a lot of room for other interests and distractions.

The Nine of Swords is telling me that instead of sitting in my mind and stewing about what’s going on with my health, I should just move forward with the best, most healthy decisions I know of at the moment, and then deal with the research once the next couple of stressful days have passed.

Lifting the Veil

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Today’s meditation was 10 minutes and 34 seconds, and focused on the positive aspects of humility over ego, focusing on how one can enrich their lives by being grateful rather than with a mentality of entitlement.

I find this type of guided meditation not to be a focus for the day, so much as a “touchstone” of sorts. Something to view and absorb, agree with or contemplate, and in doing so these topics because a part of you. I like that.

Today’s draw is the Ten of Cups, which is a representation of endings and transcendence (and occasionally excess) in the areas of emotions, creativity, relationships, and imagination.

This card’s appearance today is a reminder to be grateful for what you have. This is not necessarily something that is difficult for me to do, but what IS difficult is to realize today’s contentment, and in the process allowing myself to let go of that iron grip I have on pushing forward. It is as if with the drive to push, push, push onward and forward towards my goals, a veil drops over the present, hiding it from my view.

That is the message from the Ten of Cups in today’s draw. It’s okay to push ahead, but not so hard that you miss the things in your life right now that make you content and happy.

Lift the veil that ambition and drive use to obscure the present and be grateful for the road you’ve trod, and the lessons you’ve learned. Carry that knowledge forward with you, along with the contentment and pleasure you have within the present moment.

Warm Fuzzies and Tears of Gratitude

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, And focused on one sense of space.

This is something that’s very familiar to me, and I have always excelled at. Essentially the guided meditation walks you through first sensing your personal space around you (that bubble of space around you) and then expanding your awareness of space outward to the room at large, and then beyond that to the earth and sky and surroundings.

It’s not about what’s going on in that space that’s the focus, but rather sensing that the space is there and being aware of it. Sinking into it, so to speak.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Cups… again. The suit of cups is the water suit, which deals with the emotions, relationships, and creativity. The ninth position in this suit represents fruition, contentment, gratitude, and sometimes the consequences that come with the end of a journey.

I believe that this is a direct reflection of yesterday. This card is a reminder to look back on yesterday and remember that it can happen again (because yesterday was a really good day).

I really enjoyed our time together, and like the day that I took to reconnect with my spirituality and do some creativity, yesterday put a balm on the ragged edges of my heart left raw by the depression.

I also want to say, and this ties into the contentment part of the Nine if Cups as well, that it feels really good to have you be a part of and accept this piece of me and my life. The fact that you are now a part of my spirituality in some small way has created an interesting sense of fulfillment to it. As if throughout these 11 years we’ve been together I’ve kept something apart from you, but now that part of my life is a little bit fuller and warmer with you involved.

(And… I’ve gotten a bit weepy in writing this for some reason.)

I didn’t expect this when I decided to include you in this journaling activity. I didn’t expect it when I change this activity from a daily affirmation to a daily draw. And yet it feels so good to have you now tied in to this part of my life.

Thank you.

A House On The Beach

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Today’s meditation was sixteen minutes and twenty-eight seconds, and focused on impermanence.

Impermanence is the thing that I focus on when I am in depression. It is my reminder that everything changes and that my depression is not forever but will also come to an end. This is also useful during moments of anxiety and stress.

Sometimes we clIng to the idea that something will last forever, or we struggle with changes as they come into in our lives.

But, the truth is that everything changes. Sometimes things change because they have a beginning, middle, and an end. Sometimes they change because they’re a part of a cycle. It’s part of life.

Today’s draw is the Queen of Cups, which is a representation of a mothering alpha energy, personality , or person in the areas of emotions, creativity, and relationships.

It appears that the Queen of Cups likes to visit me quite often during these Daily Focus draws. Her presence is always welcome of course, as the lesson she’s trying to teach me is one that I struggle with.

That lesson is to feel your feelings. Listen to them instead of pushing them aside, and be kind to yourself when it comes to your emotions.

Unlike instinct, which she also can represent, emotions are a difficult thing for me to focus on and use as a guide. I have always felt that emotions are unpredictable, whereas as I perceive logic as more solid. I have trouble understanding why one would build a house on top of sand, rather than upon stone.

Maybe that’s part of the point she’s trying to make, though. Perhaps she is trying telling me that even if you don’t build your house on the sand, make sure that when you’re inside that house on the stones, you still look out the window at the beach and go out now and then to feel the sand between your toes.

And there it is…

The Queen of Cups is trying to tell me that it’s okay to feel my feelings, and that I can still be strong while listening to my emotions.