I just wanted to muse for a bit on how much I love you… and how surprising it is that you don’t creep me the fuck out.

What I mean by that is to say that you take me by surprise in many ways.  One of these is in the  many ways in which you fit the “profile” of a stalker.

After all… you’re obsessive. Invasive. Highly focused. Extremely protective.  And in someone else?  These things being directed at me would absolutely set off a crap load of triggers and freak me out.

And yet with you?  Not at all.  You’re all mine, including that intensity with which you set your focus upon me.

It took me a long time to be comfortable with the sheer volume of attention you wanted to direct my way, though. Then again, it probably helped that I was a bit oblivious as well.

I remember being shocked at some of the things you remembered that I would have never thought to even notice. Quirks, shoe size, preferences on various innocuous things, and so much more. If I had not been so oblivious, you might have scared the ever living shit out of me.

As it was though, I became aware of the obsession gradually, only discovering more and more as you snuck your way deeper and deeper under my armor and before I knew it, you’d taken root there in my heart.

I love you.  Always.  All ways.


Energy and Inspiration

Today’s meditation was twenty minutes long, and I did not meditate to a guided meditation.  Instead, I put on YoYoMa and used the twenty minutes to sink into the sensation of the music as it flowed through my senses.

It has been a long time since I’ve done this, and it was very soothing.  So much of my crossed wires boils down to an effort to ignore sensation, and the opportunity to settle in and just let it flow over me doesn’t come very often.

Today’s draw is the Page of Wands (the Chinchilla) which is a representation of a receptive omega type of energy, personality, or person in the area of  passions, drive, willpower, and ambitions.

In the guidebook for the deck, the Chinchilla is assigned the keywords of discovery, curiosity, communication, awareness, innocence, and enthusiasm.

The Page of Wands appearing in today’s reading means that it is a good day to work on my new idea, and that’s exactly what I did with this energy.   I took pictures, I did research, and I began the preparation process that is needed before actions can be taken.

This, of course, meant that I got a bit of a late start on my orders for the day, but that too seems to be coming along nicely.

This card is filled with energy and inspiration, and I’ve felt it all day long.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot


Slow Down

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on awareness during mindfulness.   That is to say, the practice of being aware of your surroundings while meditating instead of sinking into a space where you are not aware of what’s going on around you and are turned completely inward.

In the meditation, it walked you through exploring sensations one sense at a time before combining them into a full awareness while in that meditative state.   It was very relaxing right up until the last part, which I found a little overwhelming and really brought home how much I compartmentalize physical sensations.  This is a habit I got into when I was dealing with pain after the car accident in my teens, and serves me well in pain management since then.

Today’s draw is the Four of Cups (the Sloth) which is a representation of stability, ease, structure, shelter, and taking time to reassess, as well as cloistering and stagnation in the area of emotions, creativity, relationships, and intuition.

In the guidebook for the deck, the Sloth carries the key words of solitude, withdrawal, introspection, observation, and fatigue.

My intuitive hit off this card when it was drawn this morning is that it’s telling me it is okay to take my time.

Often, I push myself so hard and  get so focused on my tasks and goals that I forget to slow down and just breathe.  Today’s card is a reminder that sometimes you need to take that pause.   It’s healthy and important.

Self Care Saturday (on Sunday)


Week four of accountability.  And… I think this is working out for me really well.  Even though I am tempted to take the picture and set aside my journal for later, because I know I need to make this post on the day after my Self Care Saturday, I have more discipline to get it done in my journal (and apparently, to catch up on other entries as well such as Thursday’s full moon entry).

As I mentioned before, these readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and are not meant as a predictive reading.

I did end up switching out the oracle, as I’d said last week I was planning to do.  I chose the Dixit cards Quest expansion pack for the oracle to go with the Numinous Tarot, and I feel it is a really good fit.

The question is… What do I need to focus on in the week ahead?

BodyExplorer of Vials – It is important to bring into focus the issue of eating your feelings and take an active role in making healthy choices both emotionally and physically in order to stay healthy.

MindAce of Vials – This is about our new play and allowing it to inspire, as well as the closeness and bond created as we explore this new idea.

EmotionsThe Visionary & Seven of Bells – Seek truth and lift the veil on blurry confusion by connecting more deeply within my spiritual practice.  Use what I know to seek out clarity and support my own truths.

Inner SparkThe Moon – This card plays back to that of the two above, with the addition of intuition. Everything is not as clear as it could be… everything is not as it seems.  Be certain to perceive from a place of knowledge blended with intuition to find the path through to clarity.

Moving Away From – Viewing things from an external perspective.  Instead seek inner knowing and inner truth.

Heading Towards – Hidden truths.  PAY ATTENTION!! That which is hidden walks right beside you.  Awareness breeds control.

Decks Used: Numinous Tarot, Dixit Quest Expansion Pack #2


A Moment of Realization with the Tarot


I’m pretty well seated in how I both see and use the tarot, and comfortable in that.   But, just recently I came to a new realization about how I see the tarot and its suits.

Up until just the last few days, I had always thought that I saw the suits as “cups, pentacles, wands, and swords”, regardless of the fact that those names don’t always just “roll off the tongue” for me (so to speak).

Then, I got the Numinous Tarot in the mail and it showed me that this isn’t how I view the suits at all, which is a little odd since I’ve had other decks that rename the suits, but it really stuck out to me with this one.

In the Numinous Tarot, the suits are renamed as vials, tomes, candles, and bells.  And, when trying to sort this out?   My mind never even -went- to the whole “cups, pentacles, wands, and swords” thing, but instead went immediately to the elements.

Yes, all along I’ve known and been intimately aware with the correlations between the suits and the elements.  Cups = Water, Pentacles = Earth, Wands = Fire, Swords = Air…. and yet, never before has it stuck out to me how -much- I see the suits not as their names at all, but the elements themselves and the qualities those elements represent.

I’d guess that I’ve been pairing the suit names to the elements so long that, for the most part, they became synonymous with each other.  And yet, clearly, they are not as when push comes to shove?  It’s not to the suit names I relate, but the elements they (for me) represent.


Choice… is a Choice

Today’s meditation is super relaxing. It was a full body scan meditation that started at the crown of the head and went in a very detailed scan all the way down to the tips of the toes.

These yoga nidras are my very favorite types of guided meditation, as the laser focus needed in going through each part of the body assists me in being able to have a completely centered focus without a lot of distractions.

Today’s draw was another combination of doubles, with both again coming out together without a jumper.  The cards in today’s draw are the Chimpanzees (the Justice card, which is the 11th card in the Major Arcana), and the Horse (the Chariot card, which is the 7th card in the Major Arcana.

The Justice card deals with cause and reaction, action and consequence.  It is a card that deals with cause and effect, justice, truth, and “fairness” in the way of balance.   In the guide for this deck, the chimpanzees are associated with the keywords of adaptation, objectiveness, awareness, compassion, and honor.

The Chariot card deals with willpower and determination. Like the Knight card from yesterday, this card deals with the strength to act with precision and control, to direct one’s trajectory, and to move forward in the direction of one’s ambitions.  In the guide for this deck, the horse is associated with the keywords of strength, control, resilience, intuition, determination, and victory.

With the Justice card on the bottom and the Chariot overlapping it, the cards today are telling me that sometimes when you want life to be fair?  You have to make it fair.  That is to say, sometimes when balance is needed, it’s your own strength, courage, and resilience that directs the boat to the results you need.   At these times, you don’t just need a firm hand, but a strong connection with your intuition as well, in order to make the right choices and steer things in the right direction.

This isn’t so much a reflection on my day as it is a reminder that we are not victims of fate, but rather  the master of our own choices.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot

Yesterday’s Meditation and Draw

OK… so yesterday was a bit of a clusterf’k and then I came home and you distracted me and I did NOT get to yesterday’s post. SO…. here it is, a day late.

Yesterday’s meditation was ten minutes (and a few seconds) long and focused on self-worth, not just in how we treat ourselves, but also in what we -allow- in our lives.

It was a good reminder to not allow other’s negativity to be absorbed and repeated through self abuse.

Yesterday’s draw was the Cheetah… aka, the Knight of Wands, which is a representation of an action based beta energy, person, or personality in the area of passions, drive, willpower, and ambitions. Knight cards are cards of action and forward movement.

The Cheetah on this card is described in the guidebook with the keywords of focus, power, conviction, awareness, passion, and courage.

Looking back on yesterday, I absolutely needed that “RAWR” energy of “plowing forward” towards my goals to make it through the day, and that is how I took the card when it was drawn in the morning (as a need for that sort of energy in my day ahead).

From the “Genius” Bar appointment… and I digress, but really. If you’re going to name yourself a GENIUS Bar, there should be f’king geniuses working there. Not idiots that don’t know how to do a damn thing and refuse to practice common decency, let alone good customer service.

Ok, from the “Genius” Bar, to the traffic, to the accidental falling asleep at the wheel, to the customs delays, to just…. everything yesterday while I was out and about. It was a damned mess. And without that passion and energy of the Knight of Wands at the forefront of my mind, the day would have been that much more difficult.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot

The Witch’s Familiar

This week’s question from the Pagan Perspective YouTube channel is a “Choose Your Adventure” practice, which means going back through the topics and picking one that you haven’t covered before.  As I’m new to this channel (and responding to it) this was very easy for me as there were many, many topics to choose from.


My Chosen Topic for the Week of 8/12: Do you have a familiar? What does that mean? How do you know if an animal companion is a familiar or is familiar material?” including “The roll of pets, if any, in your practice?

The definition of a familiar is when a spirit possesses or takes the form of an animal in order to provide spiritual/magickal assistance and guidance. To me, I feel that the primary role of a familiar is to be a guide within the liminal space, astral plane, and spirit world.

Because I feel this way about the role of a familiar, I do not believe that a living being is suited for this task, and so I do not view pets as familiars. They are companions and a deep bond can be created between a person and their pet that transcends the “keeper/pet” dynamic. Pets can even be a part of one’s practice. But, I do not think that the primary role of what a familiar is can be filled by a living animal 99.9% of the time.

That said, I do think that spirits and energy can possess or embody a physical form. So, I suppose it could be possible.  I also, though, think it is extremely rare and that most who call their pets “familiars” are misusing the term.

I do have a cat.

Miss Luna has no interest in my spellcrafting, nor in the tarot. She also has no interest in my altar or hanging out in (or on) any of my sacred spaces. In fact, she is very careful to give me space and observe from a distance during any tarot time, spellcraft time, and ritual time I have.   She often sits right in front of the entrance to the room I am in during these times, and from there she will watch everything very closely.   Then, when I am done, she will return to be closer to me and following me around (which is her usual modus operandi).

Meanie, my previous cat, was much the same in this behavior.



The Dreamer’s Path

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and focused on what they named the concept of “coming home”.   That is to say, that meditation is, in essence, the act of “coming home” to one’s body.  On focusing your energy inward and finding peace within for the length of your time in meditation.

I had a hard time with this one namely because of what they called it.   I understood and agreed with the concept, but every time the guided meditation spoke the term “coming home”, I was yanked from my meditation an brought back to memories of the past.

I’ve mentioned this before, but as a child, whenever my father’s negativity really brought me down and got me worked up to where I’d end up crying, I always retreated to somewhere small and private and repeated again and again in my head “I want to go home. I want to go home.”  Even now, those words illicit tears, and typing them made my eyes water up.

I don’t know where I got this from as a child. It just happened.   And it didn’t stop happening until I’d emancipated from my parent’s home and was out on my own.

So, today’s meditation was not all that relaxing, as you might imagine.   NOW in my life, I am home.  I am no longer that little boy searching for the safety and security of “home” that he didn’t have back then.   But for some reason, the phrase “coming home” caused me to revisit him again and again.   It was very uncomfortable, and I may try a different meditation later today.

 Today’s draw is the Seven of Cups, which is a representation of progress, making choices, and the unknown, as well as looking outside the self, and the entrance of spirituality within the area of one’s emotions, creativity, intuition, and relationships. For example… being presented with choices and opportunities that have the potential to lead to progress.

The polar bear on today’s card is defined in the deck’s guidebook as representing fearlessness, independence, intuition, courage, patience, and balance.

What I see within this card today is daydreams and ideas that inspire creativity swirling in the sky, filled with possibility.   These possibilities require choices, but sometimes you have to take a moment to pause and listen to your gut to know which path to choose, and which choices are the best for you at this time, in this moment.

Today’s card is a reminder to pause and look over the choices instead of just going with whatever is the usual, habitual choice may be.  It’s a time for exploration of ideas, and seeking out what is calling out to me from within rather than with logic.

It’s a good message, and one I’m going to strive to incorporate into my day and today’s activities.

There is one decision that I have already made today, though, for my personal health and emotional well-being.  I’m going to stick with this deck, and put the Visions of Life Tarot away for now.  As much as I love the Visions of Life deck (and find it absolutely hilarious), the tongue in cheek humor is not speaking to me in the most positive of ways at the moment.  I may re-visit using it for daily draws in the future, but for now, I’m going to set it aside.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot


Revisiting Fear and Indecision


I wanted to revisit the topic of fear after my post from yesterday and the topic of the meditation that I did yesterday.

Yesterday’s meditation was about indecision, which I definitely do not have a problem with in any way, shape, or form.   But I feel like my post made it sound as if I don’t have fear, which is definitely not the case.

I do, absolutely, have fear.

I fear losing my home to the point where I obsess over work and push myself beyond my limits at times in how much work I should take on. (Thank goodness that I’m also someone that likes their creature comforts, or that fear might rule my entire life.)

I often have issues around fear when it comes to some of my scars (particularly the one on my face) and how people react (or may react) to them, which has gotten better over time as I am no longer trying to seclude myself into my home… but I know I still have a long way to go on this.

I fear my ex and the day he will be released from prison.   I fear my ex, as well, in his conniving “other” ways of trying to reach me even while he IS in prison.

I’m goddamned well -terrified- of spiders, even though my logical mind tells me I shouldn’t be.  You can add piranhas to that list, too, ever since as a kid I saw that first original Piranha movie.

The point is, I do have fears, and I didn’t want my post from yesterday coming off as some kind of bravado or something.  It’s just that fears do not inspire indecision for me.

For me, indecision doesn’t come from fear.  It appears when I am feeling extremely vulnerable, which can put me in a place of “I dunno, you choose”, and it appears when I have not managed to gather enough information or had the chance yet to think something through.